Monday, July 30, 2001
Hmm... Well I think today for the most part sucked. I didn't go to church this morning, I didn't feel like it. I set my alarm and everything, but I just didn't feel like going to I stayed home and slept, well as much as I could. Well Finally after laying in bed for awhile (after I woke up), I decided to get up and take a shower cause I was going to get my mom to take me to Subway cause I knew Dana was working. So well once I took a shower and got dressed and everything. I went down stairs to ask mom if she would take me in a couple of minutes. So well to my surprise and pissed me off, mom and B were eating Subway. So I was like well will you still take me. And she said she was going in town in about an hour to do micro at the hospital. So well I go up and watch a little tv, lol one of Chuck Norris' advertisments for one of those exercise things. So finally mom is ready to go, so she takes me up there and it was almost 2:00 by then. Oh yeah before I forget Michelle finally called when I was getting ready to go to Subway. Well she didn't really have much to say, but yeah that conversation had an abrubt end, when she had a beep, and she was like oh that must be Amanda so I'll talk to you later. Well Amanda had invited her to go to church with her that night. So she was like I'll see you there. I don't know I went to Subway and hung out with Dana till she got off, which was at 6:00, and well church starts at 6:00, and I had decided like 2 hours before that I wasn't going to go to church, but possibly the SNAC. So well after Dana got off work we went to Level's and bought random stuff. But yeah but she had to be home at 6:30 so she had to hurry up and get me home, lol she had 5 minutes. But yeah when I got home I found something else to change into, which I'm glad I did, I'll tell later why I did. Yeah I tried to show up late, but that didn't work cause church got out late, so I got screwed with that situation. But yeah I walked into the big room, and talked to Meghann for a little bit, cause I knew she wasn't going to stay for the SNAC. So yeah while I was talking to her, Amanda comes up behind me, and like always wraps her arms around my neck, and she was like I'm dizzy. So I of course asked why, and she said cause Michelle was tapping on her head randomly. Which she came over and did seconds later. Well yeah she gave me two letters, cause she said she was going to write me while she was in Georgia, and that was in an envelope, which also had a key chain in it that she got me. And then the other was on a piece of note pad paper. And of course that was written after she checked her email. So yeah, she pretty much told me flat out to read that then, cause I was putting both in my back pocket cause I didn't feel like reading it then. But yeah I read the small one, which she wanted me to read. And of course in my email I told her that I needed to talk to her about some stuff in person. So well yeah that was what it said basically that she agreed. But yeah we all basically hung out, I mainly just watched them play sand volleyball, and talked to Rene and them. So I didn't really talk much to Michelle or Amanda during that time period. Well yeah I was over there talking to Rene and I was going to get my sandals cause I took them off cause I was walking in the sand. And Michelle was like so do you want to talk now or later? I was just like whatever, I don't really care. So she was like uhh.. ok. So she grabbed her shoes and put them back on and we went and sat on the curb. And well like I knew was going to freaking happen, I couldn't really say anything. I don't know if its cause I didn't feel like talking about it, or cause there was other people close by, or just the fact that I wasn't ready. I don't know yeah there were somethings that I needed to talk about but for some reason I just couldn't get it out. Like well for one, I wonder what she thinks of all the things that I write in this jouranl, I mean like the deep down secrets. I need to know how she feels about them, and what she thinks too. And she called me before she left to go to Georgia, and told me some stuff, that I really just want her to say to my face so I can know that she really meant them. But I don't really think she remembers what she said. She had just gotten back from that MADD camp, and she said she was in a session that was about helping friends in need. And that the guy started talking about suicide. And that she thoughts of me, cause well I let her read this diary so she knew about my thoughts. And when she called me, she said that she doesn't know what she would do if I wasn't here, or something to that fact atleast. And she told me not to do it of course. But I'm just wondering was it just one of those camp highs, and stuff she learned she decided to use on me, or if she really meant what she said. And yeah I feel bad cause I lied to her today, she asked if I had still thought about it and I told her no. BIG LIE!!! I think about it everyday, its just something that I do, going along with purposely hurting myself. FYI cutting myself like I have before. I don't think theres ever a day that it doesn't cross my mind, and really I have other things that cross my mind everyday, but thats the only well dangerous one I guess you would say. The only thing that I really ever frequently think about is questioning my sexuality, which I don't know why I do it, its just something that comes up in my mind. Yet I always come to the same conclusion that I'm straight, but yet I still question. I don't know go figure. But yeah Michelle said something in that letter wasn't a big deal, something that she wrote in a survey. And GEEZ she said its not a big deal, FYI Michelle I know best of all, that it is a big deal, think about it, and what you say to me. I don't know why its not a big deal, I mean if you were depressed or sad, or if you we're just seeing what it would do for fun. I don't know, you tell me, I can't answer it, only you can. But yeah I also well really I just want to really know what she thinks of my and my thoughts and secrets and basically only she knows. So yeah I guess thats really it, and I'm so pissed that I couldn't get it out earlier today, and I mean look at me its 3:30 in the morning, I haven't been able to sleep this last week, and still I can't, I seem to do that when things are really bothering me. Go figure.
But uhh... then we had the Bible study with Rachel, and then we prayed and cleaned up all the trash, and put up the toys we had out, then I was going to call my mom for her to pick me up and Michelle was like hey I'll just take you home. And I was just like ok, sure. But we took the back way cause she was catching up to "Mr. Bill" (a.k.a. Amanda's dad Bill), so finally we catch up and she flashes her brights, and they pull over and we stop, and we asked what we were doing and Michelle just said playing with you. So yeah he told us to be safe, and we left, and she brought me mom, and came in to use the mirror. Oh by the way its not smart to play catch with your keys. She tossed em' to me and I caught them. And she went forward and I tossed them to her, and she uhh.. didn't catch them, they reflected off her hand and nailed her in the head. And cut her right below her eyebrow, and right below her eye, so uhh... yeah wasn't smart. Well yeah she came in and check out her eye. But she couldn't stay long she said so she hurried on out the door and she said she works tomorrow night, and tuesday morning, so maybe we can get together tuesday night and do something. Well then I said oh ok thats cool, so then she left.
And I've tried to watch tv, nothing on, on Sunday nights. And then at like midnight I went outside and sat on the cement part of our driveway and wrote a poem. I think that one is kind of dumb, but I don't maybe its not. Go figure. So then I came back in around 1:00 cause I was tired of just sitting there after I was done. So then well I've been washing clothes, two loads which the 2nd is almost done washing. And I have been trying to find something to do, so I finally decided to come down here and type. SO well here I am still being bummed out and a stupid mosquito (sp?) is flying around me and its bugging the crap out of me, so I'm going to go now. ByeBye
-------Erin
Modified Jul 30, 2001 4:42 AM EDT
But uhh... then we had the Bible study with Rachel, and then we prayed and cleaned up all the trash, and put up the toys we had out, then I was going to call my mom for her to pick me up and Michelle was like hey I'll just take you home. And I was just like ok, sure. But we took the back way cause she was catching up to "Mr. Bill" (a.k.a. Amanda's dad Bill), so finally we catch up and she flashes her brights, and they pull over and we stop, and we asked what we were doing and Michelle just said playing with you. So yeah he told us to be safe, and we left, and she brought me mom, and came in to use the mirror. Oh by the way its not smart to play catch with your keys. She tossed em' to me and I caught them. And she went forward and I tossed them to her, and she uhh.. didn't catch them, they reflected off her hand and nailed her in the head. And cut her right below her eyebrow, and right below her eye, so uhh... yeah wasn't smart. Well yeah she came in and check out her eye. But she couldn't stay long she said so she hurried on out the door and she said she works tomorrow night, and tuesday morning, so maybe we can get together tuesday night and do something. Well then I said oh ok thats cool, so then she left.
And I've tried to watch tv, nothing on, on Sunday nights. And then at like midnight I went outside and sat on the cement part of our driveway and wrote a poem. I think that one is kind of dumb, but I don't maybe its not. Go figure. So then I came back in around 1:00 cause I was tired of just sitting there after I was done. So then well I've been washing clothes, two loads which the 2nd is almost done washing. And I have been trying to find something to do, so I finally decided to come down here and type. SO well here I am still being bummed out and a stupid mosquito (sp?) is flying around me and its bugging the crap out of me, so I'm going to go now. ByeBye
-------Erin
Modified Jul 30, 2001 4:42 AM EDT
Sunday, July 29, 2001
Today I went shopping with my mom in Brownwood at my aunt Laura's store. Its called Dunlaps, its kind of like Bealls. But yeah I picked out a pair of blue jeans and two nice dress shirts and another shirt that can go under one of the dress shirts. And I also picked out a pair of doc martan (sp?) sandals, I actually like them, lol but you can barely see my toes, seriously. But yeah one of the benefits I have that my aunt is the store manager is that she can hold things for us awhile. Shes saving it until next friday I think to ring it up, cause thats when the no tax weekend thing starts, and then she is going to ring it up and then ship the stuff to us. But yeah I got to drive all the way there and all the way back. Kind of like when I got to drive to Ft. Worth and back, except this time I didn't run over any curbs. But yeah other than that stuff thats all I've done today.
Anyways, well it doesn't matter what I did today I still feel like a total loser. I really truly think that I am. Michelle still hasn't called me, so I don't know if shes going to be home within the next hour, or if shes getting in tomorrow afternoon. But yeah I have no social life what so ever, no one ever calls me, I never go anywhere besides with Michelle (which is still cool by the way), but I mean I have no other friends that would like to hang out with me. All I do is stay at home and watch tv, heck during the week I watch little kid cartoons, but I actually like one its called Digimon, its Japanese anime well except that its in english. But yeah and beside tv all I do is get on the internet. You know some of those emails that are something like you know if you're from a small town if... or some like Jeff Foxworthy (sp?) says, you might be a redneck if... Well something I always think of, is you might be addicted to the internet if when you're in public and something funny happens, and instead of laughing you almost say lol. Geez I need a life, but hey once August 6th (when volleyball and marching band starts) comes around and then officially on the 21st (when school starts), I won't have anytime for a life, so really why do I care and why does it even matter. But still I feel like a loser, and an outcast, cause I feel like everyone just forgot about me and moved on. Dangit I hate it when I do this, but I can't help it, thats just how I feel, and like Michelle said in that survey she can't help but wonder if her true friends are really her friends. Well heck I just wonder if I really have friends, or if they are just sparing my feelings to not make me feel bad.
And oh geez I always worry about my secrets being brought up in a conversation, and someone happening to forget that they promised not to tell anyone and that they would keep it to themselves. I really do mean that, cause I mean if my secrets (everything I write in this diary), I would rather just curl up and die, or get alot of money from my parents, and move away for GOOD. But I really think that it would totally break my heart, the last thing that I need in life is for someone that I trust to betray me. I mean I've had people I really loved taken out of my life {John (ex-stepdad), Letty (Brian's ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years)} and frankly I'm tired of it. And well if people found out all about me, then it would destroy me and break my heart so badly that I would never be able to trust or love anyone ever again. Don't get me wrong I trust these people that know. But people slip up sometimes, cause I've known it to happen. But sometimes all it takes is the little things right? Really I think that it applies to anyone that if they had some deep secret that they trusted someone to keep forever and they told and everyone found out, I think that they would feel the same way that I do. Think about it, what if it happened to you. "If you love me like you told me, please be careful with my heart, you can take it, just don't break it, cause my world will fall apart" Need I say more.
Oh wow, I'm ranting again, I must stop that now, but once again I still mean everything that I said.
I don't know I think I really feel like a loser, cause I hardly have any friends, and I never ever really feel loved. Seriously I've never actually felt like someone really cared about me. And I'm 15 for goodness sake, everything is hitting me hard. Everything would be pain by the way. I mean when is it enough, why can't someone just feel good for once, feel loved, feel good about them selves and who they are. And what about their accomplishments when will they ever be recognized for what they have done, rather than being punished for what they haven't done. You know they say love conquers all. Well show me love, then maybe I'll know what that saying really means.
Well now I feel completely pathetic, and I hope that none of this will come flying right back into my face one day. But yeah I think I've said all that I wanted to so now I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
----------Erin
Modified Jul 29, 2001 1:20 AM EDT
Anyways, well it doesn't matter what I did today I still feel like a total loser. I really truly think that I am. Michelle still hasn't called me, so I don't know if shes going to be home within the next hour, or if shes getting in tomorrow afternoon. But yeah I have no social life what so ever, no one ever calls me, I never go anywhere besides with Michelle (which is still cool by the way), but I mean I have no other friends that would like to hang out with me. All I do is stay at home and watch tv, heck during the week I watch little kid cartoons, but I actually like one its called Digimon, its Japanese anime well except that its in english. But yeah and beside tv all I do is get on the internet. You know some of those emails that are something like you know if you're from a small town if... or some like Jeff Foxworthy (sp?) says, you might be a redneck if... Well something I always think of, is you might be addicted to the internet if when you're in public and something funny happens, and instead of laughing you almost say lol. Geez I need a life, but hey once August 6th (when volleyball and marching band starts) comes around and then officially on the 21st (when school starts), I won't have anytime for a life, so really why do I care and why does it even matter. But still I feel like a loser, and an outcast, cause I feel like everyone just forgot about me and moved on. Dangit I hate it when I do this, but I can't help it, thats just how I feel, and like Michelle said in that survey she can't help but wonder if her true friends are really her friends. Well heck I just wonder if I really have friends, or if they are just sparing my feelings to not make me feel bad.
And oh geez I always worry about my secrets being brought up in a conversation, and someone happening to forget that they promised not to tell anyone and that they would keep it to themselves. I really do mean that, cause I mean if my secrets (everything I write in this diary), I would rather just curl up and die, or get alot of money from my parents, and move away for GOOD. But I really think that it would totally break my heart, the last thing that I need in life is for someone that I trust to betray me. I mean I've had people I really loved taken out of my life {John (ex-stepdad), Letty (Brian's ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years)} and frankly I'm tired of it. And well if people found out all about me, then it would destroy me and break my heart so badly that I would never be able to trust or love anyone ever again. Don't get me wrong I trust these people that know. But people slip up sometimes, cause I've known it to happen. But sometimes all it takes is the little things right? Really I think that it applies to anyone that if they had some deep secret that they trusted someone to keep forever and they told and everyone found out, I think that they would feel the same way that I do. Think about it, what if it happened to you. "If you love me like you told me, please be careful with my heart, you can take it, just don't break it, cause my world will fall apart" Need I say more.
Oh wow, I'm ranting again, I must stop that now, but once again I still mean everything that I said.
I don't know I think I really feel like a loser, cause I hardly have any friends, and I never ever really feel loved. Seriously I've never actually felt like someone really cared about me. And I'm 15 for goodness sake, everything is hitting me hard. Everything would be pain by the way. I mean when is it enough, why can't someone just feel good for once, feel loved, feel good about them selves and who they are. And what about their accomplishments when will they ever be recognized for what they have done, rather than being punished for what they haven't done. You know they say love conquers all. Well show me love, then maybe I'll know what that saying really means.
Well now I feel completely pathetic, and I hope that none of this will come flying right back into my face one day. But yeah I think I've said all that I wanted to so now I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
----------Erin
Modified Jul 29, 2001 1:20 AM EDT
Saturday, July 28, 2001
Lol well this whole week has been such a blur, and not to mention boring. I miss Michelle and Dana. Well I didn't do my running much this week so once again I got behind. I ran 30 minutes yesterday, I was going to do 40 minutes but my mom didn't want me to. But yeah all day today I have felt like throwing up. So I didn't really feel like running 20 minutes, so yeah tomorrow that means another 30 minutes to run. Its not bad I can do it pretty easily. When I ran last night I talked to Kassi Bruce and Leann Wallace, they were up there running for a little bit.
But yeah I don't know I'm in a glum mood today. Michelle said she was going to call me but she didn't, so that disappointed me. I don't know I am really sad today, I mean some reason that I can think of add up but then again, there are some feelings that I don't know where they are coming from. Its really confusing me. My mind is exausted and everything is so confusing I can't seem to understand anything thats going on in my life right now. Michelle sent me a survey thing that she had filled out. And I don't know something in it that I can't figure out is driving me insane. Something in it just set me off, and mainly its just bugging me cause I can't figure out what it is. I don't know maybe its just cause I miss her. But yeah I had been meaning to apologize to her for totally blowing her off that time (I guess a week or two ago) on the internet. And it had just been bothering me, but yeah I still hadn't apologized but we started talking a hanging out like nothing had happened. But you see it bothered me, cause I knew something had happened and I know that I hurt her. And it has just been nagging at my mind, so I sent her an email and apologized, and everything, and it ended up being like 2 pages longer, alot longer than I thought it was going to be. Maybe cause I had to type things rather than telling her (what I wanted to do), so I guess when I type things I tend to be alot more elaborative. But yeah thats also bugging me cause I sent that like yesterday around lunch time, I think. And I still haven't gotten a response from that, and then theres the fact that she didn't call me. And well whats bugging me now, is well I do this all the time, that something that I wrote in there might have somehow freaked her out. But mainly I think maybe its cause I said that I never meant to hurt her and that I was sorry, and that I loved her, and I would never ever do anything to intentionally hurt her. But I'm just afraid that something she read in this diary may have turned that honest saying around. Cause when I'm doing bad I tend to question everything, including my sexuality, and I'm afraid that she interupted that I loved her as I love you in that sort of way, which I didn't mean. I mean cause I'm straight and everything, and I'm back to my normal self so I'm not questioning everything cause I'm happy, and when I'm happy I know who I really am. Cause when your depressed you can think all sorts of different things. Michelle is my best friend in the entire world, and she knows everything about me, and I care alot about her cause I love her (as a friend, do I need to go over that again), she means so much to me, and I know that when I close up that I hurt her cause she hates it when I do that but I usually talk to her though. But this time, I totally hurt her, and told her I didn't want to talk to her, I mean I had no reason taking something out on her. I didn't respect her, and she asked me if I was going to talk to her, and I basically told her flat out no, and then she asked me if I was going to open field, and I also said no. And then she said that she didn't like it when I am like that (closing up that is), and I said something else about this in another entry, but I told her that I didn't want to talk to anyone and that included her, and then she said that she knew I said that but she thought that I would atleast talk to her being my friend. And I told her that my email to her said everyone and that everyone meant her too. But yeah like the next day I felt really bad, and guilty. And I decided to go to open field just for her, and that made me feel REALLY bad, cause thats when I knew that I really did hurt her cause we hardly said anything AT ALL to each other. And I am trully sorry for doing that, I guess I feel really guilty for hurting someone that I really love, cause here in the last year thats all I have seemed to be doing.
Ahhhh.... geez why do I keep referring back to the bad things, I hate that so much, it just makes me feel the pain all over again. It hurt when it happened, and the pain just keeps on flying right back in my face. But I think what hurts the most is trying to figure out how to repair the bad things that I have done. And the pain that I've caused, wow that sounded totally weird but yet its true. But the only pain that I've cause someone to have is I think Michelle. But then again I don't really know, all I've known for the last year is pain that I felt. Once again I hate it when it all comes back, so I think its time to get off that subject, cause I think I've made my point, or I hope I did atleast.
Geez.... I really miss Michelle.
Well I'm really bummed right now so I'm going to go now, byebye.
------ERIN withouth the W this time
Modified Jul 28, 2001 12:48 AM EDT
But yeah I don't know I'm in a glum mood today. Michelle said she was going to call me but she didn't, so that disappointed me. I don't know I am really sad today, I mean some reason that I can think of add up but then again, there are some feelings that I don't know where they are coming from. Its really confusing me. My mind is exausted and everything is so confusing I can't seem to understand anything thats going on in my life right now. Michelle sent me a survey thing that she had filled out. And I don't know something in it that I can't figure out is driving me insane. Something in it just set me off, and mainly its just bugging me cause I can't figure out what it is. I don't know maybe its just cause I miss her. But yeah I had been meaning to apologize to her for totally blowing her off that time (I guess a week or two ago) on the internet. And it had just been bothering me, but yeah I still hadn't apologized but we started talking a hanging out like nothing had happened. But you see it bothered me, cause I knew something had happened and I know that I hurt her. And it has just been nagging at my mind, so I sent her an email and apologized, and everything, and it ended up being like 2 pages longer, alot longer than I thought it was going to be. Maybe cause I had to type things rather than telling her (what I wanted to do), so I guess when I type things I tend to be alot more elaborative. But yeah thats also bugging me cause I sent that like yesterday around lunch time, I think. And I still haven't gotten a response from that, and then theres the fact that she didn't call me. And well whats bugging me now, is well I do this all the time, that something that I wrote in there might have somehow freaked her out. But mainly I think maybe its cause I said that I never meant to hurt her and that I was sorry, and that I loved her, and I would never ever do anything to intentionally hurt her. But I'm just afraid that something she read in this diary may have turned that honest saying around. Cause when I'm doing bad I tend to question everything, including my sexuality, and I'm afraid that she interupted that I loved her as I love you in that sort of way, which I didn't mean. I mean cause I'm straight and everything, and I'm back to my normal self so I'm not questioning everything cause I'm happy, and when I'm happy I know who I really am. Cause when your depressed you can think all sorts of different things. Michelle is my best friend in the entire world, and she knows everything about me, and I care alot about her cause I love her (as a friend, do I need to go over that again), she means so much to me, and I know that when I close up that I hurt her cause she hates it when I do that but I usually talk to her though. But this time, I totally hurt her, and told her I didn't want to talk to her, I mean I had no reason taking something out on her. I didn't respect her, and she asked me if I was going to talk to her, and I basically told her flat out no, and then she asked me if I was going to open field, and I also said no. And then she said that she didn't like it when I am like that (closing up that is), and I said something else about this in another entry, but I told her that I didn't want to talk to anyone and that included her, and then she said that she knew I said that but she thought that I would atleast talk to her being my friend. And I told her that my email to her said everyone and that everyone meant her too. But yeah like the next day I felt really bad, and guilty. And I decided to go to open field just for her, and that made me feel REALLY bad, cause thats when I knew that I really did hurt her cause we hardly said anything AT ALL to each other. And I am trully sorry for doing that, I guess I feel really guilty for hurting someone that I really love, cause here in the last year thats all I have seemed to be doing.
Ahhhh.... geez why do I keep referring back to the bad things, I hate that so much, it just makes me feel the pain all over again. It hurt when it happened, and the pain just keeps on flying right back in my face. But I think what hurts the most is trying to figure out how to repair the bad things that I have done. And the pain that I've caused, wow that sounded totally weird but yet its true. But the only pain that I've cause someone to have is I think Michelle. But then again I don't really know, all I've known for the last year is pain that I felt. Once again I hate it when it all comes back, so I think its time to get off that subject, cause I think I've made my point, or I hope I did atleast.
Geez.... I really miss Michelle.
Well I'm really bummed right now so I'm going to go now, byebye.
------ERIN withouth the W this time
Modified Jul 28, 2001 12:48 AM EDT
Monday, July 23, 2001
Hmm... well just so you know I started writing this yesterday the 22nd. Well right now its kind of hard to type cause I'm incredibly tired. I just got done running for soccer. I didn't get to run yesterday which I will explain here in a minute, so I had to make up for that one, and run for todays also. So I ran 10 minutes twice, so 20 minutes in all.
Anyways I'll start off from Friday, lol I've gotten a little behind. Well I of course woke up. But I had to get up at like 7:00 cause I had to get ready for soccer. So I got up and got dressed, then I colored my hair with that color hair spray stuff, I got it from wal-mart, I used yellow and blue, but well the yellow kind of turned out neon greenish. But well yeah we had to dress up for camp, as Stu and Aiden called it it was Friday Fun-day, so we chose teams and my team chose Sweden, which their flag's colors are yellow and blue. And the U-15 team chose Norway which is Sweden's rivals, and they're red, white, and blue. So well yeah I wore my old soccer uniform from two years ago, its yellow and blue so it went real well. So then I went and finally right as we were about to begin Katy finally shows up, she bought yellow shirts from wal-mart so we would all match, so then we were writing on our faces with face paint, most of us had S's on our face, but we all wrote Sweden down our arms, and then we wrote on our shirts and but our name and number on the back, and then we all but a big S on the front. It may seem dumb but it was fun, then we all took group pictures. And the we went and began. Then at the end of camp, like we did the whole week we srimmaged the U-15's. Which they beat us again, lol. We won the first day, and tied another day so lol I think we're just pathetic, no j/k. But after the scrimmage we all sat down in line, and the U-15's got medals, and we uhh... we got buttons, WHOO-HOO, lol it was pretty funny. But then alot of the girls got their water jugs and opened them and pored it all on Stu (mainly) and on Aiden. We had fun.
Well then we left to come home, and I was car-pooling again with Sheven, but today Amy Haines was with us. And thank God we went and ate somewhere different, we ate at Pizza Hut, its not great, but I don't think I could handle another day of Taco Bell. But yeah we waited there for our food for like forever, and then we finally got it, and it didn't take us long to eat it all. So then we left, and came home, well Amy stayed with me at the house till 4:00 when Kenny finally came and got her. Then I called Amanda and they weren't working on the yard that day cause her parents had to go to work. So well yeah the rest of the afternoon I just sat around, and yes with my hair still colored. Then I finally took a shower, I had to shampoo it like two times, then I did it a third time and then conditioned it, but even then my scalp was still kind of green, oh yeah and you can't forget glittery. That spray had TONS of glitter in it. And well then I don't remember what I did except go to bed.
Well then saturday, I slept in, finally. And got up around 1:00 or so I think. Then I just got up and got onto the internet as usual. Then did nothing. Then I took a shower, and that was around like 4:00 or so. When I got out Brian was home, and he asked me if I wanted to go to the family re-union, so I said ok, and hurried up and got dressed and all that stuff, so we finally left about 5:00, and went and picked up Kyle. Well our dad didn't go so I didn't see him, which I thought he was going to be there. Well only our cousins were there, and their parents of course (my aunt and uncle). And Terra and Melissa each brought a friend with them, Tiny and Amy. But yeah it was pretty boring, cause the only other people we knew were my grandparents. But well we ate, I barely ate anything I was mad, and plus I wasn't hungry. So well we did the whole picture thing like always, and my cousins left and then we finally left. Well of course my brothers and cousins planned to get together. We met them at Taco Bell, and Amy and Terra hopped in my car (yes my car, and my moms), and Kyle got in Melissa's car. And we drove back through Granbury (the re-union was in Weatherford), but on the way back Terra made us stop, cause she wanted a sign that said Little Rd. Go figure. And well Kyle, Melissa, and Tiny went out to our uncle Bob's house (where Kyle lives), and Brian and I came home, so I could change and tell mom where I was going. And then we left, and went to Bob's house. And of course they were having a party. Which yeah I sat there the whole time being pissed off. I mad a promise to someone, and I also got my senses back the week before so, I did drink or smoke or do any of that crap, so I well just sat there. Its amazing how bad my family is. Yeah and my brothers had about five of their friends there. And Kyle and Melissa oh yeah and Tiny and 2 other guys over there, were smoking weed, and drinking. and Brian and my other cousin Terra and the other guys were drinking, Amy drank a little of a smirnoff but thats about all. But yeah and my older cousin Jason was there and he was drinking, hes 26, Melissa is 20, and Terra is 15 (a month older than me). But yeah having my ethics back, made me realize how stupid all that stuff is. Yeah I was pissed off already but then I got really pissed off, when Terra and this guy Nick walked off towards the dark part of the yard, and stopped and were all making out and stuff, which where I was sitting I can see the outline of everything. Well then Melissa and this guy named Jonathon, also walk out there and stopped and were making out, and then well they went to the ground. And oohh did it piss me off, how can he own freaking brother not give a damn about what either of his sisters do, especially when ones only 15, and oh yeah it also pissed me off how neither of my brothers seemed to care either. Great to know that they won't ever care what I do. I want someone to care, and try to protect me from that stuff, but hey will it ever happen. No, so thats why I have to protect my self, and thats why I always have cause I knew that they would never be there for me. All they are ever going to do for me is get me in trouble. So yeah I wanted to go home, cause I had church the next morning, and I had been wanting to come home for like 2 or 3 hours, it was almost 1:00 then. Well I was about to get in the car and go and leave my brother there. I was wanting to do that for about an hour. Well my uncle finally gets home, and then everyone had to leave. So I got in the car cause I wasn't going to let my brother drive and endanger my life, no matter if he could have a normal conversation or not. Finally Jason left and got his truck out of the way, and we could leave. Geez I was so pissed off and ready to come home. Well I ended up getting in about 1:40 am. And I probably ended up falling asleep at 2:30. Well then I had to get up at like 7:45 cause I had to take a shower and shave. So well then I got dressed and all that stuff and finally left to go to sunday school. But hey despite what time I went to bed, I didn't fall asleep during church. But after church I hung around with Meghann, then about 1:00 we went to Subway and got food. I wasn't exspecting it, but Dana was working I had no clue that she was back from Colorado, I was so glad to see her and to hear her voice. But I didn't get to stay long, cause after we got our food we had to head back to the church, and we ate there. Well after that I went and helped her and her mom prepare their room for Vacation Bible School. I had a lot of fun, we got to crumble up paper, the room was supposed to look like a cave, so we were making brown paper look like rock. But it was fun, cause I got to smush it, jump on it, roll on it, sit on it, and smush it into walls and stuff like that, lol it was dumb but fun. Well they had covered up one of the doors with the paper, and had a little hole at the bottom but out cause thats where the kids were going to enter the room. and well thats at the back of the room, well try to picture it like this lol -__- thats the back of the room, the top hypens are the doors to the room, the one on the right is the one covered with paper. Well the other wall on the right theres a wall like this | and at the bottom of it is another door which was open. Well to get to the story, well Heather Hill and Rene Dyas walked by the bottom door, so I was like ok so I walked to the covered door and crouched down, and when Heather walked around the corner she saw me, so I was like ok I'll wait, and when Rene came around the corner I jumped out and grabbed her legs she screamed really loud, it cracked me up, lol she was still kind of in shock even after she realized it was me, it was pretty funny. Well later Heather, Amanda and Stormy, walk by the door, so well I wait till Amanda walks around the corner and I jump out and grab her legs, lol I scared her and Stormy at the same time, Heather just laughed at them, it was funny. Then later on, I walked around the hall-way and Amanda walked by me and said something, like a joke, so I chased her, and I wrapped my arms around her, lol I was catching her so to say. That sort of scared her, cause she didn't expect me to chase her I think, but I was just playing with her, not meaning to scare her though. Well yeah I had fun up there. Then my mom came and got me a little after 5:00, and I went home to change, and then B brought me in to Subway at about 5:40, Dana was getting off at 6:00 so I was trying to talk to her as much as I could, so she told me some stuff that she did in Colorado, which I tell about in another entry. Well then it was about time for church to start so I was about to start walking, but then someone offered me a ride, so I was like oh ok, sure thanks. So I bummed a ride to church lol. Well I did fall asleep at night church. But afterwards I went to the SNAC, I went with Amanda and BJ, we stopped at levels first to get some chips to take. So well then we headed out there. And we all as usual just hung out with everyone else and told stories. It was alot of fun. Well then afterwards I finally got ahold of my mom on the phone, and told her where I was and what I was doing, well I told her to pick me up at the track. So Carolyn Norman (Charles's mom), brought me into town and dropped me off at the track. I had to run, which I told about at the very top.
So now here I am finishing the entry that I tried to make last night, but the computer screwed up. So yeah I'm bored and hungry so I'm going to get off now cause I'm going to try and make something to eat. So I'll write later, c-ya.
-------Erwin
Modified Jul 23, 2001 3:14 PM EDT
Anyways I'll start off from Friday, lol I've gotten a little behind. Well I of course woke up. But I had to get up at like 7:00 cause I had to get ready for soccer. So I got up and got dressed, then I colored my hair with that color hair spray stuff, I got it from wal-mart, I used yellow and blue, but well the yellow kind of turned out neon greenish. But well yeah we had to dress up for camp, as Stu and Aiden called it it was Friday Fun-day, so we chose teams and my team chose Sweden, which their flag's colors are yellow and blue. And the U-15 team chose Norway which is Sweden's rivals, and they're red, white, and blue. So well yeah I wore my old soccer uniform from two years ago, its yellow and blue so it went real well. So then I went and finally right as we were about to begin Katy finally shows up, she bought yellow shirts from wal-mart so we would all match, so then we were writing on our faces with face paint, most of us had S's on our face, but we all wrote Sweden down our arms, and then we wrote on our shirts and but our name and number on the back, and then we all but a big S on the front. It may seem dumb but it was fun, then we all took group pictures. And the we went and began. Then at the end of camp, like we did the whole week we srimmaged the U-15's. Which they beat us again, lol. We won the first day, and tied another day so lol I think we're just pathetic, no j/k. But after the scrimmage we all sat down in line, and the U-15's got medals, and we uhh... we got buttons, WHOO-HOO, lol it was pretty funny. But then alot of the girls got their water jugs and opened them and pored it all on Stu (mainly) and on Aiden. We had fun.
Well then we left to come home, and I was car-pooling again with Sheven, but today Amy Haines was with us. And thank God we went and ate somewhere different, we ate at Pizza Hut, its not great, but I don't think I could handle another day of Taco Bell. But yeah we waited there for our food for like forever, and then we finally got it, and it didn't take us long to eat it all. So then we left, and came home, well Amy stayed with me at the house till 4:00 when Kenny finally came and got her. Then I called Amanda and they weren't working on the yard that day cause her parents had to go to work. So well yeah the rest of the afternoon I just sat around, and yes with my hair still colored. Then I finally took a shower, I had to shampoo it like two times, then I did it a third time and then conditioned it, but even then my scalp was still kind of green, oh yeah and you can't forget glittery. That spray had TONS of glitter in it. And well then I don't remember what I did except go to bed.
Well then saturday, I slept in, finally. And got up around 1:00 or so I think. Then I just got up and got onto the internet as usual. Then did nothing. Then I took a shower, and that was around like 4:00 or so. When I got out Brian was home, and he asked me if I wanted to go to the family re-union, so I said ok, and hurried up and got dressed and all that stuff, so we finally left about 5:00, and went and picked up Kyle. Well our dad didn't go so I didn't see him, which I thought he was going to be there. Well only our cousins were there, and their parents of course (my aunt and uncle). And Terra and Melissa each brought a friend with them, Tiny and Amy. But yeah it was pretty boring, cause the only other people we knew were my grandparents. But well we ate, I barely ate anything I was mad, and plus I wasn't hungry. So well we did the whole picture thing like always, and my cousins left and then we finally left. Well of course my brothers and cousins planned to get together. We met them at Taco Bell, and Amy and Terra hopped in my car (yes my car, and my moms), and Kyle got in Melissa's car. And we drove back through Granbury (the re-union was in Weatherford), but on the way back Terra made us stop, cause she wanted a sign that said Little Rd. Go figure. And well Kyle, Melissa, and Tiny went out to our uncle Bob's house (where Kyle lives), and Brian and I came home, so I could change and tell mom where I was going. And then we left, and went to Bob's house. And of course they were having a party. Which yeah I sat there the whole time being pissed off. I mad a promise to someone, and I also got my senses back the week before so, I did drink or smoke or do any of that crap, so I well just sat there. Its amazing how bad my family is. Yeah and my brothers had about five of their friends there. And Kyle and Melissa oh yeah and Tiny and 2 other guys over there, were smoking weed, and drinking. and Brian and my other cousin Terra and the other guys were drinking, Amy drank a little of a smirnoff but thats about all. But yeah and my older cousin Jason was there and he was drinking, hes 26, Melissa is 20, and Terra is 15 (a month older than me). But yeah having my ethics back, made me realize how stupid all that stuff is. Yeah I was pissed off already but then I got really pissed off, when Terra and this guy Nick walked off towards the dark part of the yard, and stopped and were all making out and stuff, which where I was sitting I can see the outline of everything. Well then Melissa and this guy named Jonathon, also walk out there and stopped and were making out, and then well they went to the ground. And oohh did it piss me off, how can he own freaking brother not give a damn about what either of his sisters do, especially when ones only 15, and oh yeah it also pissed me off how neither of my brothers seemed to care either. Great to know that they won't ever care what I do. I want someone to care, and try to protect me from that stuff, but hey will it ever happen. No, so thats why I have to protect my self, and thats why I always have cause I knew that they would never be there for me. All they are ever going to do for me is get me in trouble. So yeah I wanted to go home, cause I had church the next morning, and I had been wanting to come home for like 2 or 3 hours, it was almost 1:00 then. Well I was about to get in the car and go and leave my brother there. I was wanting to do that for about an hour. Well my uncle finally gets home, and then everyone had to leave. So I got in the car cause I wasn't going to let my brother drive and endanger my life, no matter if he could have a normal conversation or not. Finally Jason left and got his truck out of the way, and we could leave. Geez I was so pissed off and ready to come home. Well I ended up getting in about 1:40 am. And I probably ended up falling asleep at 2:30. Well then I had to get up at like 7:45 cause I had to take a shower and shave. So well then I got dressed and all that stuff and finally left to go to sunday school. But hey despite what time I went to bed, I didn't fall asleep during church. But after church I hung around with Meghann, then about 1:00 we went to Subway and got food. I wasn't exspecting it, but Dana was working I had no clue that she was back from Colorado, I was so glad to see her and to hear her voice. But I didn't get to stay long, cause after we got our food we had to head back to the church, and we ate there. Well after that I went and helped her and her mom prepare their room for Vacation Bible School. I had a lot of fun, we got to crumble up paper, the room was supposed to look like a cave, so we were making brown paper look like rock. But it was fun, cause I got to smush it, jump on it, roll on it, sit on it, and smush it into walls and stuff like that, lol it was dumb but fun. Well they had covered up one of the doors with the paper, and had a little hole at the bottom but out cause thats where the kids were going to enter the room. and well thats at the back of the room, well try to picture it like this lol -__- thats the back of the room, the top hypens are the doors to the room, the one on the right is the one covered with paper. Well the other wall on the right theres a wall like this | and at the bottom of it is another door which was open. Well to get to the story, well Heather Hill and Rene Dyas walked by the bottom door, so I was like ok so I walked to the covered door and crouched down, and when Heather walked around the corner she saw me, so I was like ok I'll wait, and when Rene came around the corner I jumped out and grabbed her legs she screamed really loud, it cracked me up, lol she was still kind of in shock even after she realized it was me, it was pretty funny. Well later Heather, Amanda and Stormy, walk by the door, so well I wait till Amanda walks around the corner and I jump out and grab her legs, lol I scared her and Stormy at the same time, Heather just laughed at them, it was funny. Then later on, I walked around the hall-way and Amanda walked by me and said something, like a joke, so I chased her, and I wrapped my arms around her, lol I was catching her so to say. That sort of scared her, cause she didn't expect me to chase her I think, but I was just playing with her, not meaning to scare her though. Well yeah I had fun up there. Then my mom came and got me a little after 5:00, and I went home to change, and then B brought me in to Subway at about 5:40, Dana was getting off at 6:00 so I was trying to talk to her as much as I could, so she told me some stuff that she did in Colorado, which I tell about in another entry. Well then it was about time for church to start so I was about to start walking, but then someone offered me a ride, so I was like oh ok, sure thanks. So I bummed a ride to church lol. Well I did fall asleep at night church. But afterwards I went to the SNAC, I went with Amanda and BJ, we stopped at levels first to get some chips to take. So well then we headed out there. And we all as usual just hung out with everyone else and told stories. It was alot of fun. Well then afterwards I finally got ahold of my mom on the phone, and told her where I was and what I was doing, well I told her to pick me up at the track. So Carolyn Norman (Charles's mom), brought me into town and dropped me off at the track. I had to run, which I told about at the very top.
So now here I am finishing the entry that I tried to make last night, but the computer screwed up. So yeah I'm bored and hungry so I'm going to get off now cause I'm going to try and make something to eat. So I'll write later, c-ya.
-------Erwin
Modified Jul 23, 2001 3:14 PM EDT
Thursday, July 19, 2001
Haha, well actually today was GRRREEAATT!!!!
Lol I don't think that the Tony the tiger thing works for me. No but today I had alot of fun with a couple of my best friends.
Well lets see today is Thursday, yeah so Michelle and I were talking yesterday and lol I had to write a letter to Amanda for her, it was kind of fun. The letter was telling Amanda to call her, but she called her on her own before she went to church. So well yeah we were all planning on getting together and doing something today. So well I started out my day again, by going to soccer camp (tomorrow is the last day), and well for the 3rd day in a row, we ate a Taco Bell and went to Wal-Mart. Oh by the way one day I was with my mom, the other 2 days I was riding with Sheven {shes on the u-15 team (I'm on the u-17 team) shes 14} so we sort of car-pool, lol. But anyways, today we had to pick up a friend of hers so that took a little longer. So I ended up getting home about 1:40 or so. So right when I walked in the door I called Michelle, and told her I was home, so then she cam over and got me. And we went to Oakdale (the pool), and but of course went swimming, thats also where we were meeting Amanda. So when we were walking in the gates Amanda walks out of the dressing room, she was about to go call us. So well then we all went and jumped in, and Michelle went and did a flying squirrel off the board. Oh by the way Amanda was baby-sitting some kids at the time too. So well the kids left her alone, so me, Michelle, and Amanda all went down to the wall, and talked for maybe 30 minutes or so, and then these little kids came up, and all started to play with Michelle, lol they are all atracted to her. But yeah I don't really like little kids so I sorta stayed off to the side, plus I was getting really tired. So the little kids kept them active for quite awhile. Then I saw Theresea (from my Cleburne and OLD Glen Rose soccer teams), and so I waved at her, then I got really tired, and I got a headache, so I went and got out of the water as soon as Theresea got in, so I wrapped up in my towel and sat on the edge and talked to her till we left, cause Michelle and Amanda were still being attacked by the little kids lol. So well yeah then Amanda left with the kids she was baby-sitting, and Michelle and I went to the snow-cone stand and stayed and talked to Shanna for awhile. But I ran across the street to Subway and talked to John (my ex-step-dad), for awhile. I love him so much and miss him alot. But he promised me he would always try to talk to me. Cause this year is Jon-Paul's senior year (strange but true, obviously he was my step-brother), so hes playing football, and I'm in band so we'll always see each other at the football games. And hes always at the basketball games cause of JP so I'll see him there. But he is so cool, we always talk whenever we see each other, I'm also the only one in my family that still talks to him. But yeah we just talked about what we have been up to, soccer for me, and preparing for the football season for him. And so on, but then he had to go cause his food was done, and he needed to take it home and put it in the refrigerator (it was a salad). Well then I ran back to the snow-cone stand and ate my snow-cone, and we just kept Shanna company for awhile, lol when we left she still had like 2 and a half more hours to go. But then we went to Michelle's and hung out. Then Michelle realized that I needed to change lol, so she got dressed real fast, and we came to my house. And I hopped in the shower. Lol and Amanda called while I was in the middle of it, so I got out and had shampoo all in my hair. But I just let her talk to Michelle, so I could finish. So then I finished got dressed into what I wanted to wear. Then we went and picked up Amanda, lol and I played a lovely song for us all. It was Charles Norman singing "Good Ol' Glen Rose," he made it when he was like in 3rd grade. It is the most hilarious thing!!! Lol well to me atleast, but its also really cute.
But well yeah then we went back to Michelle's to get her dad's truck but we ended up taking the van cause her mom was home, and Miranda was also there and she washed her hair and came with us. Then we played Charles's song for her. And we went to Burger King. Lol Miranda had already eaten, and I refuse to eat there, and Michelle started to eat but started to feel sick again, so really Amanda was the only one that finished her meal. Lol, I had fun just hanging out there. Then we went and took Amanda home and hung out there for awhile, mainly cause we hadn't seen her new house. So we stayed there for about 20 minutes or so. Then we left and M&M dropped me off, and so well here I am writing this. And well now I need to go to bed cause I have soccer camp again, but its supposed to be really fun, which I will write ALL of what I do tomorrow night when all is said and done. Lol, so I'll talk to ya later.
--------Erwin
P.S.
Erwin is an inside joke between all the softball girls, lol just ask Michelle!!
Modified Jul 19, 2001 11:13 PM EDT
Lol I don't think that the Tony the tiger thing works for me. No but today I had alot of fun with a couple of my best friends.
Well lets see today is Thursday, yeah so Michelle and I were talking yesterday and lol I had to write a letter to Amanda for her, it was kind of fun. The letter was telling Amanda to call her, but she called her on her own before she went to church. So well yeah we were all planning on getting together and doing something today. So well I started out my day again, by going to soccer camp (tomorrow is the last day), and well for the 3rd day in a row, we ate a Taco Bell and went to Wal-Mart. Oh by the way one day I was with my mom, the other 2 days I was riding with Sheven {shes on the u-15 team (I'm on the u-17 team) shes 14} so we sort of car-pool, lol. But anyways, today we had to pick up a friend of hers so that took a little longer. So I ended up getting home about 1:40 or so. So right when I walked in the door I called Michelle, and told her I was home, so then she cam over and got me. And we went to Oakdale (the pool), and but of course went swimming, thats also where we were meeting Amanda. So when we were walking in the gates Amanda walks out of the dressing room, she was about to go call us. So well then we all went and jumped in, and Michelle went and did a flying squirrel off the board. Oh by the way Amanda was baby-sitting some kids at the time too. So well the kids left her alone, so me, Michelle, and Amanda all went down to the wall, and talked for maybe 30 minutes or so, and then these little kids came up, and all started to play with Michelle, lol they are all atracted to her. But yeah I don't really like little kids so I sorta stayed off to the side, plus I was getting really tired. So the little kids kept them active for quite awhile. Then I saw Theresea (from my Cleburne and OLD Glen Rose soccer teams), and so I waved at her, then I got really tired, and I got a headache, so I went and got out of the water as soon as Theresea got in, so I wrapped up in my towel and sat on the edge and talked to her till we left, cause Michelle and Amanda were still being attacked by the little kids lol. So well yeah then Amanda left with the kids she was baby-sitting, and Michelle and I went to the snow-cone stand and stayed and talked to Shanna for awhile. But I ran across the street to Subway and talked to John (my ex-step-dad), for awhile. I love him so much and miss him alot. But he promised me he would always try to talk to me. Cause this year is Jon-Paul's senior year (strange but true, obviously he was my step-brother), so hes playing football, and I'm in band so we'll always see each other at the football games. And hes always at the basketball games cause of JP so I'll see him there. But he is so cool, we always talk whenever we see each other, I'm also the only one in my family that still talks to him. But yeah we just talked about what we have been up to, soccer for me, and preparing for the football season for him. And so on, but then he had to go cause his food was done, and he needed to take it home and put it in the refrigerator (it was a salad). Well then I ran back to the snow-cone stand and ate my snow-cone, and we just kept Shanna company for awhile, lol when we left she still had like 2 and a half more hours to go. But then we went to Michelle's and hung out. Then Michelle realized that I needed to change lol, so she got dressed real fast, and we came to my house. And I hopped in the shower. Lol and Amanda called while I was in the middle of it, so I got out and had shampoo all in my hair. But I just let her talk to Michelle, so I could finish. So then I finished got dressed into what I wanted to wear. Then we went and picked up Amanda, lol and I played a lovely song for us all. It was Charles Norman singing "Good Ol' Glen Rose," he made it when he was like in 3rd grade. It is the most hilarious thing!!! Lol well to me atleast, but its also really cute.
But well yeah then we went back to Michelle's to get her dad's truck but we ended up taking the van cause her mom was home, and Miranda was also there and she washed her hair and came with us. Then we played Charles's song for her. And we went to Burger King. Lol Miranda had already eaten, and I refuse to eat there, and Michelle started to eat but started to feel sick again, so really Amanda was the only one that finished her meal. Lol, I had fun just hanging out there. Then we went and took Amanda home and hung out there for awhile, mainly cause we hadn't seen her new house. So we stayed there for about 20 minutes or so. Then we left and M&M dropped me off, and so well here I am writing this. And well now I need to go to bed cause I have soccer camp again, but its supposed to be really fun, which I will write ALL of what I do tomorrow night when all is said and done. Lol, so I'll talk to ya later.
--------Erwin
P.S.
Erwin is an inside joke between all the softball girls, lol just ask Michelle!!
Modified Jul 19, 2001 11:13 PM EDT
Monday, July 16, 2001
Whoo-hoo, its about time I finally got to this page bolt wouldn't let me get to it for some reason, lol oh well.
Well huh, this day was WONDERFUL, yes I actually said wonderful, first time in like 7 or 8 months, seriously!! Well it all started out yesterday afternoon, when I got in from soccer practice. I kept looking at the phone and thinking of calling Amanda, well then I finally picked it up, and dialed half of it and hung up. Well then I just picked it up and listened to the tone. Then I hung up and finally got the courage up to call. Well my plan was to talk to her dad Bill, and see if they were busy and if she was there, and so on, cause I wanted to just show up at her house with out her knowing, but doing so with her parents permission, well cause I like talking in person better. Well I wasn't lucky she wasn't there she just so happened to be working, which someone said she normally works on Fridays. But well so then I kind of felt dumb, and I started crying cause I was so freaking nervous, no seriously I was that nervous, dialing that number was really hard. But I felt better that I had tried. But Bill said that I could call her at 11:15, but I was like no I'll just see her at church cause I imagine she'll want to go to bed, but really it was that and I wanted to talk to her in person. But well so then I went to bed (early). Then I got up and went to church. And when I was walking to the morgan building, there was Bill on his way out there so I stopped and gave him a hug. Then we started walking and Meghann being dumb (as usual) banged on one of the churches windows and scared me half to death, she was taking care of the younger kids. Well then Bill let ladies go first into the Morgan building, lol. And well no one was really there that I could actually talk to, so I went and watched Noelle Norman and another girl play, fooseball (sp?), and of course yes Amanda was already in there, and she was by the donuts and stuff, which I wanted but I was still being really shy, so while I was watching a pointless game of fooseball (they were playing with a golfball). I got the most amazing thing happen to me, well it scared me at first. Well Amanda comes up behind me and puts her arms around my neck and puts her head on my shoulder and starts to talk to me (by the way this is what we used to do all the time), it scared me and I got really nervous of course. But it was her being her, and me almost being me. But oh my gosh it was so great to hear her voice speaking directly to me. She was like, so did you call me last night? I said yeah, so she said when? And I said 7:45 or so, but you were up at the Promise, and someone told me that you only worked Fridays. And she said, well in June thats how it was, but in July they have it all mixed up. Which I was like oh ok I see. Then Bill being Bill, he does things when I realize what he was doing. He sent me, Amanda, and Heather to go rinse some apples off that was for part of the lesson. I know he so did it on purpose, but I was thankful for him doing it. So we went and did that and came back in, and I then went and grabbed 2 donuts and some milk, and ate, I was really hungry. And then we all sat down to begin, and some of the boys lead the worship in the mornings, so Amanda and Heather sat in the front, so I went and sat in the only open spot (closest to Amanda) which was by Heather, which was cool and everything. Cause it was sort of my way of letting Amanda know that I'm still trying. But then after that the junior-high group left, Rene Dyas asked me to go sit by her which was cool cause I was letting Efrain sit by Heather. So I didn't mind. So well then I paid total attention to the lesson which I was totally proud of my self. Well then after that we went to big church, lol. And we all sat down, and I said hello to Meghann and all of them. And sat down, well then we did worship with Dan, and Charles and him did a duet singing and with guitars, towards the end of church (it was really awesome). Well anyways, after worship, we all stand up and greet the ones around us. And so well I stood up and well just stood there like I always do, cause I mean I know everyone around me. Well Amanda was sitting in front of me, and she was like hey Erin, and I was like hey. Well then she was like come here, and she gave me a hug. Oh geez and do you have any clue how much that meant to me. EVERYTHING!!! It made me feel so good, you know those really relaxed times, when you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well thats how I felt. And well after church I went home and changed in to pants, cause I was in a dress, then I went back into town and ate at Pastafina. I was supposed to be sitting with all the youth. But since Meghann and Stephania don't really care for the youth, so I felt obligated to sit with them, so I did. And we were completely far away from the rest of the group. They were around the corner, and at the far end. We were like in the first room in the corner, by the windows. Which I felt totally stupid for, but when I got there I went and took Brittany's lipstick to her (I was supposed to be sitting with her), and talked to them for awhile, and explained to them, then went back to the front.
Well anyways, then I went home and called Dad and went and took a nap. And got up at 5 cause Dad was picking me up at 5:30, lol so well then I got dressed and everything. Then Dad came and got me, and we left, and went to Granbury, for the "Granbury United Soccer Association" signing, lol its the granbury select league. I MADE IT!!!!! Whoo-hoo, and I'm going to be in totally good shape, so when I go back to school I'll be looking good, lol j/k but hey ya never know I might look good, more body than my face lol. But yeah I'm excited about it, and very happy, I tried my hardest and the tryouts, I was competing against some of the old players from last year for the remaining positions.
Well yeah anyways then I tried my best to get back to church in time, I made the last half, and I stayed for the SNAC (sunday night after church), but it was more of a farewell party for Dan and Nicki (sp?), but it was all good.
But yeah I was really really mad, and stuff, and totally dissed Michelle the other day. I mean yeah its not her fault, well heck there was nothing bad done, and well heck I don't know why I got so mad, it just seemed like all my hard work done and someone else got all the benefits of it. But well I realized the other day that it was really dumb. Cause she tried chatting with me on msn, and I really didn't want to talk to her. But really the truth is, is that I got mad, and then I got really depressed again, and thinking all of my old thoughts you know its just like I skipped a day of it and was back to normal. Well so I was still a tad bit mad at her (lol stupid reason, well it wasn't a reason it just happened), and I really just didn't feel like talking to ANYONE at all, you could even ask my mom, I was hardly talking at all. But well yeah I'm not mad at all at Michelle, I just well I guess I just took some stuff out on her, even though I didn't say anything, I just totally dissed her. Cause I emailed her telling her that I was closing up again, and that I meant to everyone and that it included her. And she told me when we were chatting that she didn't like it when I'm like that (which I knew that and told her so), and that she didn't think that she should close off to her being my friend. Well yeah thats true, but I told her, when I said everyone that includes you. And it felt so mean, but it was true though thats how I felt. Well also I told her that if she really wanted to talk to me, then that would be one of those times when she randomly shows up at my house. And well yeah I feel bad about it, and everything.
But yeah, I am so happy though, I've had such a great day. And Michelle will get her great day sometime this week!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!
But well I have soccer camp all this week, starting tomorrow, everyday 8:30 am to 11:30 am, 3 hours a day, so well I gotta go get some sleep so talk to ya later.
-----------Erin
Modified Jul 16, 2001 12:11 AM EDT
Well huh, this day was WONDERFUL, yes I actually said wonderful, first time in like 7 or 8 months, seriously!! Well it all started out yesterday afternoon, when I got in from soccer practice. I kept looking at the phone and thinking of calling Amanda, well then I finally picked it up, and dialed half of it and hung up. Well then I just picked it up and listened to the tone. Then I hung up and finally got the courage up to call. Well my plan was to talk to her dad Bill, and see if they were busy and if she was there, and so on, cause I wanted to just show up at her house with out her knowing, but doing so with her parents permission, well cause I like talking in person better. Well I wasn't lucky she wasn't there she just so happened to be working, which someone said she normally works on Fridays. But well so then I kind of felt dumb, and I started crying cause I was so freaking nervous, no seriously I was that nervous, dialing that number was really hard. But I felt better that I had tried. But Bill said that I could call her at 11:15, but I was like no I'll just see her at church cause I imagine she'll want to go to bed, but really it was that and I wanted to talk to her in person. But well so then I went to bed (early). Then I got up and went to church. And when I was walking to the morgan building, there was Bill on his way out there so I stopped and gave him a hug. Then we started walking and Meghann being dumb (as usual) banged on one of the churches windows and scared me half to death, she was taking care of the younger kids. Well then Bill let ladies go first into the Morgan building, lol. And well no one was really there that I could actually talk to, so I went and watched Noelle Norman and another girl play, fooseball (sp?), and of course yes Amanda was already in there, and she was by the donuts and stuff, which I wanted but I was still being really shy, so while I was watching a pointless game of fooseball (they were playing with a golfball). I got the most amazing thing happen to me, well it scared me at first. Well Amanda comes up behind me and puts her arms around my neck and puts her head on my shoulder and starts to talk to me (by the way this is what we used to do all the time), it scared me and I got really nervous of course. But it was her being her, and me almost being me. But oh my gosh it was so great to hear her voice speaking directly to me. She was like, so did you call me last night? I said yeah, so she said when? And I said 7:45 or so, but you were up at the Promise, and someone told me that you only worked Fridays. And she said, well in June thats how it was, but in July they have it all mixed up. Which I was like oh ok I see. Then Bill being Bill, he does things when I realize what he was doing. He sent me, Amanda, and Heather to go rinse some apples off that was for part of the lesson. I know he so did it on purpose, but I was thankful for him doing it. So we went and did that and came back in, and I then went and grabbed 2 donuts and some milk, and ate, I was really hungry. And then we all sat down to begin, and some of the boys lead the worship in the mornings, so Amanda and Heather sat in the front, so I went and sat in the only open spot (closest to Amanda) which was by Heather, which was cool and everything. Cause it was sort of my way of letting Amanda know that I'm still trying. But then after that the junior-high group left, Rene Dyas asked me to go sit by her which was cool cause I was letting Efrain sit by Heather. So I didn't mind. So well then I paid total attention to the lesson which I was totally proud of my self. Well then after that we went to big church, lol. And we all sat down, and I said hello to Meghann and all of them. And sat down, well then we did worship with Dan, and Charles and him did a duet singing and with guitars, towards the end of church (it was really awesome). Well anyways, after worship, we all stand up and greet the ones around us. And so well I stood up and well just stood there like I always do, cause I mean I know everyone around me. Well Amanda was sitting in front of me, and she was like hey Erin, and I was like hey. Well then she was like come here, and she gave me a hug. Oh geez and do you have any clue how much that meant to me. EVERYTHING!!! It made me feel so good, you know those really relaxed times, when you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Well thats how I felt. And well after church I went home and changed in to pants, cause I was in a dress, then I went back into town and ate at Pastafina. I was supposed to be sitting with all the youth. But since Meghann and Stephania don't really care for the youth, so I felt obligated to sit with them, so I did. And we were completely far away from the rest of the group. They were around the corner, and at the far end. We were like in the first room in the corner, by the windows. Which I felt totally stupid for, but when I got there I went and took Brittany's lipstick to her (I was supposed to be sitting with her), and talked to them for awhile, and explained to them, then went back to the front.
Well anyways, then I went home and called Dad and went and took a nap. And got up at 5 cause Dad was picking me up at 5:30, lol so well then I got dressed and everything. Then Dad came and got me, and we left, and went to Granbury, for the "Granbury United Soccer Association" signing, lol its the granbury select league. I MADE IT!!!!! Whoo-hoo, and I'm going to be in totally good shape, so when I go back to school I'll be looking good, lol j/k but hey ya never know I might look good, more body than my face lol. But yeah I'm excited about it, and very happy, I tried my hardest and the tryouts, I was competing against some of the old players from last year for the remaining positions.
Well yeah anyways then I tried my best to get back to church in time, I made the last half, and I stayed for the SNAC (sunday night after church), but it was more of a farewell party for Dan and Nicki (sp?), but it was all good.
But yeah I was really really mad, and stuff, and totally dissed Michelle the other day. I mean yeah its not her fault, well heck there was nothing bad done, and well heck I don't know why I got so mad, it just seemed like all my hard work done and someone else got all the benefits of it. But well I realized the other day that it was really dumb. Cause she tried chatting with me on msn, and I really didn't want to talk to her. But really the truth is, is that I got mad, and then I got really depressed again, and thinking all of my old thoughts you know its just like I skipped a day of it and was back to normal. Well so I was still a tad bit mad at her (lol stupid reason, well it wasn't a reason it just happened), and I really just didn't feel like talking to ANYONE at all, you could even ask my mom, I was hardly talking at all. But well yeah I'm not mad at all at Michelle, I just well I guess I just took some stuff out on her, even though I didn't say anything, I just totally dissed her. Cause I emailed her telling her that I was closing up again, and that I meant to everyone and that it included her. And she told me when we were chatting that she didn't like it when I'm like that (which I knew that and told her so), and that she didn't think that she should close off to her being my friend. Well yeah thats true, but I told her, when I said everyone that includes you. And it felt so mean, but it was true though thats how I felt. Well also I told her that if she really wanted to talk to me, then that would be one of those times when she randomly shows up at my house. And well yeah I feel bad about it, and everything.
But yeah, I am so happy though, I've had such a great day. And Michelle will get her great day sometime this week!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!
But well I have soccer camp all this week, starting tomorrow, everyday 8:30 am to 11:30 am, 3 hours a day, so well I gotta go get some sleep so talk to ya later.
-----------Erin
Modified Jul 16, 2001 12:11 AM EDT
Wednesday, July 11, 2001
Well sometimes it amazes me how things can be so great one moment and the next its screwed up. And frankly I'm so sick of it, it pisses me off so much. You know the one time I'm happy for atleast a little bit, something just has to come up and screw it up. Well yeah I have felt this way since my last entry, I was really happy about me and Amanda, and then well then the next afternoon, I get a phone call, and who else can it be but Michelle. And there she was thanking me for my email to Amanda, and I kind of went whoa, what are you talking about. She had said that Amanda emailed her and apolgized and everything and she was so shocked and so on. But then she said that later she called Amanda and was talking to her and she said I got your email, and then she asked why did you do that? Amanda then told her well Erin sent me this really long letter and I guess she inspired me (now let me tell you theres lots of inspiration apparently). Which after she told me that, it kind of pissed me off. Now don't get me wrong or anything, its a good thing that Amanda apologized to her. But well anyways that just kind of dropped my self esteem. Well then I guess it was saturday I went with Michelle and her brother Chris to go bowling in Cleburne. And afterwards we went back to their house cause I had to read her new poem, and some poems her friend from Louisiana wrote her. And well first before I did all that she showed me the email that Amanda wrote to her (she printed it out after she received it). And well I don't think it showed but it really really pissed me off. Why am I always the one to try so hard, and then get the short end of the stick. I got screwed. Yeah I may have gotten an apology but Michelle's was like alot different than mine. Which I'm mainly pissed cause Michelle has only known Amanda for like almost 3 years now, I'm known Amanda and been friends with her for almost 10 now (since 1st grade). I guess really I think Amanda was just trying to make me feel better by saying that, cause I really feel like it is a fake apology in a way. So well basically once again my hopes were lifted and dropped, and landed with a dull thud. While Michelle is this big happy camper. Geez I am so sick and tired of getting screwed over. I tried so hard to get Amanda back and I apparently failed, cause all I did with my like 3 page email, was helping other people. First I inspired Amanda to apologize to Michelle. Then with that Michelle got inspired to apologize to someone back in Louisiana. Oh I am so glad that I inspired everyone, and yeah ha I feel absolutely nothing, and frankly the truth I feel like shit. Mainly cause I strive so hard for things, and all my effort goes to get it, and then I end up getting nothing in return. Oh yeah and I went to church Sunday morning, and went to Sunday school. All hoping that Amanda would talk to me. At first I sat right behind her, then I sat one seat away from her, Stormy was sitting in between us. Well that didn't do any good at all. Well then I hung around after church hoping to catch her, cause I wanted to talk to her. But well I didn't get her, her and BJ left to go get her stuff. And well I was very diappointed cause I really wanted to talk to her. And well for the rest to the week she will be in San Antonio with the rest of the youth. So that means I'll have to wait all till sunday again. And yeah Michelle called her, but I'm not much for phones, I would chicken out or be stupid and just sit there and not say anything, so thats why I really want to talk in person. So well yeah its only Tuesday and I have 5 more days to go.
Well yeah I must say I got really pissed off, nothing is as painful as having hopes and the having them appear as absolutely pointless. And well yeah I was happy for one day and actually slept good that night, I haven't done that in a very long time, but hey whats the point of that I can't sleep now, or you know be happy, well hell I guess I'm just back to my normal self again. And you maybe wondering what do you mean by that? Hmm... lets see, questioning everything. Including my sexuality, yes I did say that, I've been questioning that for a while now. Another, I'm back to thinking of suicide again, its whether think of suicide or I think about cutting my self again. Oh yeah I've been drinking, lets see before I got that email (a week or two before) that is when my mom was out of town, and I went with my brother to one of his friends house and I drank 5 smirnoffs. Cause well hey if I have the oppotunity I take it. And lets see I got Amanda's email July 2nd, and I found out about her email to Michelle the 3rd. The 5th I went again and drank 3 smirnoffs, and well I sure as hell have the opportunity to smoke, I have like 7 cigerettes up in my room, which I am craving them, but I can't right now cause I have soccer to do. But yeah basically I'm in the mood to destroy my health or my life at that fact, but I have to finish soccer tryouts first which I still have thursday and saturday to go, and then the signing is sometime sunday afternoon. But huh, yeah things seemed to be getting better but I'm just back into a downward spiral again, and except this time its worse than before.
But well, I got bands on my braces today so my mouth is hurting like hell so I'm going to go now, adios amigos.
--------Erin
Modified Jul 11, 2001 12:07 AM EDT
Well yeah I must say I got really pissed off, nothing is as painful as having hopes and the having them appear as absolutely pointless. And well yeah I was happy for one day and actually slept good that night, I haven't done that in a very long time, but hey whats the point of that I can't sleep now, or you know be happy, well hell I guess I'm just back to my normal self again. And you maybe wondering what do you mean by that? Hmm... lets see, questioning everything. Including my sexuality, yes I did say that, I've been questioning that for a while now. Another, I'm back to thinking of suicide again, its whether think of suicide or I think about cutting my self again. Oh yeah I've been drinking, lets see before I got that email (a week or two before) that is when my mom was out of town, and I went with my brother to one of his friends house and I drank 5 smirnoffs. Cause well hey if I have the oppotunity I take it. And lets see I got Amanda's email July 2nd, and I found out about her email to Michelle the 3rd. The 5th I went again and drank 3 smirnoffs, and well I sure as hell have the opportunity to smoke, I have like 7 cigerettes up in my room, which I am craving them, but I can't right now cause I have soccer to do. But yeah basically I'm in the mood to destroy my health or my life at that fact, but I have to finish soccer tryouts first which I still have thursday and saturday to go, and then the signing is sometime sunday afternoon. But huh, yeah things seemed to be getting better but I'm just back into a downward spiral again, and except this time its worse than before.
But well, I got bands on my braces today so my mouth is hurting like hell so I'm going to go now, adios amigos.
--------Erin
Modified Jul 11, 2001 12:07 AM EDT
Tuesday, July 03, 2001
Hmm... well yeah to go back to the fact of the last entry I made in June. I do have other things that are quite confusing, and that usually screw up my everyday life. But well to tell you the truth something happened yesterday that made everything better. I mean everything. Those other things I don't really care about any more. You maybe be wondering what could make everything so great. Well let me tell you. I don't remember if I ever wrote about mine and Amanda's friendship, but I think I have. But well I wrote her this really long letter, telling her about how I feel and everything like that. But well I wrote that like a week ago. But she wrote me back, and I will tell you my heart literally skipped a beat when I saw it was from her. I had to sit there and see that it was for real then I clicked on it and read it. And oh may I say it made me feel really good. Cause I took the step and tried to restart our friendship, and she took the other that made it official. We're both going to try, and well basically I think that we are going to be talking alot more in the future to come. Which makes me feel incredibly good. I would really have to say that, that was the biggest or greatest feeling of relief that I have had in a very long time. So as of now I am really at peace.
Well also yesterday afternoon I had to go to soccer tryouts in Granbury. And I'm kind of shocked cause there are still 4 more days of tryouts left. But well yeah we practiced out in the burning hot sun. And I just so happened to be a moron and where a black shirt, and black shorts, oh and my shoes are black. So I was burning, that was the first exercise I've done since like somewhere towards the end of May. At the end of practice we ran 3 laps around the field which adds up to be 3/4 of a mile, or it is a mile. And I was like whoa, what the crap. The team I played on in Cleburne this last year, and the team the year before in Glen Rose, we did absolutely nothing like that. They are really hard workers, and they are really good at soccer team. I think that I definately am interested in playing for this team, I would learn so much, and my ability would improve tremendously. But I must say I nearly threw up once, cause I started to dehydrate (sp) I think so whenever we did have breaks I made sure to drink plenty of water or use a rag to cool down with. The breaks were only like a minute long it kind of sucked, but hey I lived. LOL even though well today I can barely move, no seriously I can barely move, like when I get done with the net, its going to take me forever to get out of this chair. Lol well its funny, but it really sucks and it hurts but I'm alive, and at a peace of mine so its all good. Well I think I'm going to go cause I might go get together with my cousins, cause they are down in Glen Rose for the rest of the week, so I want to spend as much time as I can with them. So well adios amigos.
----------Erin
Modified Jul 3, 2001 5:57 PM EDT
Well also yesterday afternoon I had to go to soccer tryouts in Granbury. And I'm kind of shocked cause there are still 4 more days of tryouts left. But well yeah we practiced out in the burning hot sun. And I just so happened to be a moron and where a black shirt, and black shorts, oh and my shoes are black. So I was burning, that was the first exercise I've done since like somewhere towards the end of May. At the end of practice we ran 3 laps around the field which adds up to be 3/4 of a mile, or it is a mile. And I was like whoa, what the crap. The team I played on in Cleburne this last year, and the team the year before in Glen Rose, we did absolutely nothing like that. They are really hard workers, and they are really good at soccer team. I think that I definately am interested in playing for this team, I would learn so much, and my ability would improve tremendously. But I must say I nearly threw up once, cause I started to dehydrate (sp) I think so whenever we did have breaks I made sure to drink plenty of water or use a rag to cool down with. The breaks were only like a minute long it kind of sucked, but hey I lived. LOL even though well today I can barely move, no seriously I can barely move, like when I get done with the net, its going to take me forever to get out of this chair. Lol well its funny, but it really sucks and it hurts but I'm alive, and at a peace of mine so its all good. Well I think I'm going to go cause I might go get together with my cousins, cause they are down in Glen Rose for the rest of the week, so I want to spend as much time as I can with them. So well adios amigos.
----------Erin
Modified Jul 3, 2001 5:57 PM EDT
Sunday, July 01, 2001
Dammit why do some people just have to be assholes. Geez and it really pisses me off when its my own brother that does it to me. Ok he would rather hang out with a stupid ass "boy" that is a year younger than me rather than hanging out with me. Now don't go well your his little sis. Well I'll just have to say fu, cause we hang out all the time, and when I say this kid is a stupid ass I really do mean he is a stupid ass. Ok I'm 4 years younger than my brother Kyle, and this kid is 5, I could really care less if he does smoke pot, or he is cool, I know for a fact that he's a stupid ass I've seen it with my own eyes. I don't give a damn about having something in common. Hello I may not smoke pot, but I might like to drink a little with my brother, its just one way to get to know him a little better. And please don't say hes a bad influence, he hasn't infulenced me to do shit. I do thing on my own free will, if I want to do it this I sure as hell will. If that means having the oppurtunity to do it with him than so be it, I think its a hell of alot safer than partying with some other person, and having a greater chance of getting raped, or you know stuff in that area. And trust me I haven't gotten drunk, and I won't ever get drunk, I basically go and just hang out. I mainly like to laugh at the dumb-asses who are drunk. But geez this majorly pisses me off. You know its one thing to be dissed by a friend, but to be dissed by family thats way worse, and I think its pretty low, especially if he can hang out with someone younger than me. Well yeah I'm pissed, and I apologized about all the cuss words, but that happens when I get pissed off. So well just forgive me. But well I'm tired so I'm going to go to bed now, adios.
---------Erin
Modified Jul 1, 2001 2:01 AM EDT
---------Erin
Modified Jul 1, 2001 2:01 AM EDT
