Tuesday, September 25, 2001
Wow I guess I've left some people hanging on forever, about what the dumb thing I did was. Well yeah Michelle ended up being cool with it. Yeah needless to say, I was hanging out with my brother again, and some of his friends. I did several new things that night, I smoke a cigarette, and that was stupid enough yet I did something dumber. I smoked weed too, but only one puff. And technically I had my first beer, the first one that I drank all of it, cause I don't like beer, but some other stuff is ok. But yeah I totally screwed up my life, and that week was the worst one of my life. Yeah I regret it deeply, and I know that I'll never ever do it again. But the way I look at it now, several weeks later, is that it happened for a reason, maybe to teach me a lesson. But really I thinkI was proving it to myself that, that lifestyle is not for me and that it is wrong. Cause before I promised myself I would never be like my brothers and do stuff like that. And now, since I have done it, my morals were shot straight back to me. And I can now remember why I have always had those morals, that, that kind of stuff is bad for me and it won't take me anywhere in life.
Anyways, back to the world of today. I haven't written in awhile. And as many of you know what happened on September 11th. So I don't have to explain any of that. But well I was at school when it happened, and we watched the news right after the first plane crashed, and we watched it in every class the rest of the day.
And lets see lately all I've really been doing is playing soccer. At our game saturday I rolled on my knee and its all bruised and stuff, but I doing better now, but it hurt like crap then.
Lets see, school, ahhh... boring school. Thats where I'm at right now. I hate it I sleep as much as I can with out getting yelled at.
As far as Michelle and Dana goes. I don't know. They seem to be changing like majorly, and with that change I'm not being included. Dana just seems to blow me off all the time, and I can't ever say what I want to so I've gotten to where I just don't say anything to them at all. But Michelle in a way I feel like I'm being replaced, by a new girl named Paige (sp?), shes also a sophomore. I understand that Michelle trys to make new friends, but I like to do things with just me and her, and Miranda sometimes, and yeah I don't mind her wanting other people to hang out with her or us. But she talks about her constantly, and during passing periods guess who she goes and talks to, Paige, not me, yeah she might say a little something but not really anything to me. Now I'm not jealous by any means. I just feel left out, and like I'm being replaced, and sometimes like I'm being left behind in the past like I'm a no body. See the one thing about my life that annoys me the most, is that it is repetitive. The same type of things seem to happen several times. I don't know I'm not really hurt by it, but then again I am, but really right now I'm just confused. Cause it feels like Michelle is leaving me for Paige. And Dana is leaving me for all of her senior and junior friends. You as for Dana, was me spending most of the summer with her mean nothing, and was it just a major waste of my time. And does she just pretend that she cares to spare my feelings or what. I mean come on, the least she can tell me is whats going on. And as for Michelle, the little time I get with her, with just us, I try to make it the best I can, and other times when shes with other people, I just try to ignore it and go on. Well I guess you could say I am focusing more on me and her (after all aren't we best friends?) rather than her and all of her other friends. And afterall she technically is my only friend that I can concentrate on. So hey oh well. Lets all go on with are own lives. I don't know what to do. Should I give up on trying keep the friends that I have and give up on trying to make friends? Cause hell Its obviously not worth cause they all tend to move on with out me. Man I sounds really conceited. I'm sorry but I'm not. I care alot about things in my life and what I talk about just so happens to be them. I'm not all about me, I live my life to make them happy. So well I guess just think what you want, and do what you want. But the bell is about to ring so I have to go. Byebye.
----------Erin
Modified Sep 25, 2001 11:28 AM EDT
Anyways, back to the world of today. I haven't written in awhile. And as many of you know what happened on September 11th. So I don't have to explain any of that. But well I was at school when it happened, and we watched the news right after the first plane crashed, and we watched it in every class the rest of the day.
And lets see lately all I've really been doing is playing soccer. At our game saturday I rolled on my knee and its all bruised and stuff, but I doing better now, but it hurt like crap then.
Lets see, school, ahhh... boring school. Thats where I'm at right now. I hate it I sleep as much as I can with out getting yelled at.
As far as Michelle and Dana goes. I don't know. They seem to be changing like majorly, and with that change I'm not being included. Dana just seems to blow me off all the time, and I can't ever say what I want to so I've gotten to where I just don't say anything to them at all. But Michelle in a way I feel like I'm being replaced, by a new girl named Paige (sp?), shes also a sophomore. I understand that Michelle trys to make new friends, but I like to do things with just me and her, and Miranda sometimes, and yeah I don't mind her wanting other people to hang out with her or us. But she talks about her constantly, and during passing periods guess who she goes and talks to, Paige, not me, yeah she might say a little something but not really anything to me. Now I'm not jealous by any means. I just feel left out, and like I'm being replaced, and sometimes like I'm being left behind in the past like I'm a no body. See the one thing about my life that annoys me the most, is that it is repetitive. The same type of things seem to happen several times. I don't know I'm not really hurt by it, but then again I am, but really right now I'm just confused. Cause it feels like Michelle is leaving me for Paige. And Dana is leaving me for all of her senior and junior friends. You as for Dana, was me spending most of the summer with her mean nothing, and was it just a major waste of my time. And does she just pretend that she cares to spare my feelings or what. I mean come on, the least she can tell me is whats going on. And as for Michelle, the little time I get with her, with just us, I try to make it the best I can, and other times when shes with other people, I just try to ignore it and go on. Well I guess you could say I am focusing more on me and her (after all aren't we best friends?) rather than her and all of her other friends. And afterall she technically is my only friend that I can concentrate on. So hey oh well. Lets all go on with are own lives. I don't know what to do. Should I give up on trying keep the friends that I have and give up on trying to make friends? Cause hell Its obviously not worth cause they all tend to move on with out me. Man I sounds really conceited. I'm sorry but I'm not. I care alot about things in my life and what I talk about just so happens to be them. I'm not all about me, I live my life to make them happy. So well I guess just think what you want, and do what you want. But the bell is about to ring so I have to go. Byebye.
----------Erin
Modified Sep 25, 2001 11:28 AM EDT
Wednesday, September 05, 2001
Well I'm just going to sum up things for right now, and then explain in another entry, whenever I can which will probably end up being like Friday night, maybe.
Anyways, right now everything in my mind is totally f-ed up. Not to mention that I totally f-ed my life this weekend. And I probably just ruined the relationship with my best friend. I know whats happened but she doesn't, so I don't know how she is going to feel about it, (only me and Dana knows what has happened). And which that is totally freaking me out, pissing me off, worrying me, and I'm tending to stay away (avoid), my BEST FRIEND!!! Oh why did I have to do that stupid stupid thing. I'm never ever going to do it again, but only that one time has forever ruined my life. FOREVER!!!!!
Its breaking my heart, it aches so bad. And I know I just know its going to break Michelles heart, and shes going to hate me or despise me forever. And never look at me in the same way ever again. EVER!!! Geez I'm so stupid. Ughh... I hate myseld for this I'm so ashamed of myself, I stooped to something, that I made myself promise I would never do. Oh why did I have to do it, STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! I will regret this for as long as I live.
You maybe the thinking what the hell is she talking about, you'll find out in my next entry maybe. And I'm sorry if I'm repetitive. But all these words are racing through my head, over and over and over again. It just won't stop, ever. I'm so stupid. Michelle will never forgive me for this. I know it, nothing will ever be the same I know it, I'm just afraid that I will lose her, or have to give her up, mainly cause of the such strong emotions and thoughts I am having. I know this is going to hurt her, I know it. And thats the last thing I would ever want to do ever. So I think if thats how things continue, then I will have to give up the first best friend I've ever had, and then she would also be the last too. NO ONE could EVER replace her, no one. I'm sorry so very very sorry, I didn't mean to break your heart. I know I'm the biggest disappoint you've ever seen, especially since we were so close. I know this will disappoint you. I'm sorry I am just so very sorry, I can't change what I did ever, and I'm going to have to regret it forever. It will haunt me the rest of my life.
I am SO SORRY!!!!! byebye
------Erin
Modified Sep 5, 2001 11:29 PM EDT
Anyways, right now everything in my mind is totally f-ed up. Not to mention that I totally f-ed my life this weekend. And I probably just ruined the relationship with my best friend. I know whats happened but she doesn't, so I don't know how she is going to feel about it, (only me and Dana knows what has happened). And which that is totally freaking me out, pissing me off, worrying me, and I'm tending to stay away (avoid), my BEST FRIEND!!! Oh why did I have to do that stupid stupid thing. I'm never ever going to do it again, but only that one time has forever ruined my life. FOREVER!!!!!
Its breaking my heart, it aches so bad. And I know I just know its going to break Michelles heart, and shes going to hate me or despise me forever. And never look at me in the same way ever again. EVER!!! Geez I'm so stupid. Ughh... I hate myseld for this I'm so ashamed of myself, I stooped to something, that I made myself promise I would never do. Oh why did I have to do it, STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! I will regret this for as long as I live.
You maybe the thinking what the hell is she talking about, you'll find out in my next entry maybe. And I'm sorry if I'm repetitive. But all these words are racing through my head, over and over and over again. It just won't stop, ever. I'm so stupid. Michelle will never forgive me for this. I know it, nothing will ever be the same I know it, I'm just afraid that I will lose her, or have to give her up, mainly cause of the such strong emotions and thoughts I am having. I know this is going to hurt her, I know it. And thats the last thing I would ever want to do ever. So I think if thats how things continue, then I will have to give up the first best friend I've ever had, and then she would also be the last too. NO ONE could EVER replace her, no one. I'm sorry so very very sorry, I didn't mean to break your heart. I know I'm the biggest disappoint you've ever seen, especially since we were so close. I know this will disappoint you. I'm sorry I am just so very sorry, I can't change what I did ever, and I'm going to have to regret it forever. It will haunt me the rest of my life.
I am SO SORRY!!!!! byebye
------Erin
Modified Sep 5, 2001 11:29 PM EDT
