Desperately Seeking Truth

Well everything with Michelle and I are settling down. And everything is going back to normal, execpt that I think we're closer now. And I'm really glad that stage of mine is over now!! I was really starting to ruin things, and which I was hurting myself through it all. In a way I guess you could say I was a rebel without a cause. Going on a rampage with no meaning behind it. Basically I was going on and on, over something my mind imagined. Anyways, well things are cool, now and I'm happy.



But well I just thought I'd update you, but I better go, cause I need some major sleep. So c-ya later.
----------Erin


Modified Oct 18, 2001 11:51 PM EDT

Well all I have to say is screw this world, and everything in it.
------Erin

Modified Oct 9, 2001 11:52 PM EDT

Needless to say. I fucked it ALL up this time. And for good. I ended the best thing I've ever had, and the best thing that I ever will have. And I know the one reading this knows what I'm talking about, if well she is reading this. I wrote a 5 page letter to me best friend. And Basically I ended our friendship. Which I know in that letter I hurt her alot, and I know I probably pissed her off alot. I don't know if we will ever speak again. And I don't know if I'm going to play softball this year or not because of it. And honestly I don't know what shes thinking. Which I didn't tell her to responf directly. But I asked her alot of questions that I want her to answer. But like I said I don't know if we will ever talk again. Which was sort of the point of my letter. And DAMMIT, why am I this way? WHY? WHY? WHY? I'm so idiotic there was no reason to end the friendship. We were best friends. She always said trust s the most important thing in a friendship. And now I feel deep within me that I broke her heart. And if she does decide to forgive me, then I know we'll start over from scratch. You know they say it isn't a friendship unless you fight. Well this isn't a fight over something stupid. Matter of fact this isn't a fight at all. Its just like out of the blue I went and "tried" to end our friendship. MY BEST FRIEND, for goodness sake. What is wrong with me? I can't seem to understand what posessed (sp?) me to do that. And I say tried cause I don't know for a FACT. Dana has asked me why I'm so stressed, and I can't give her a for sure answer. Michelle and I haven't talked since tuesday morning. And even that wasn't really a conversation, its just when I gave her the spiral, with the 5 page letter. And she asked what it was, and I told her, and she was like what, 5 pages. Thats the second time I've written a 5 page letter to her. But anyways, I would like to declare myself insane, but I can't do that, cause obviously I'm not a doctor or anything. But yeah I officially fucked it up for good this time. But if Michelle talks to me, then thats when I'll know what she thinks of my dumb ass decisions. But I would say until then, but I'm not to sure that there will be a then. I hurt her really bad. Which I'm sorry for. I'm just a plain dumb ass and thats all I can say for myself. Every single day, I think about her 24/7 literally the entire time I am awake. And since I gave her that letter I've been going insane. I didn't go to school yesterday, and not so I couldn't see Michelle, but because I felt so bad. And today I went to school, and I did walk STRAIGHT past her, I felt so bad, I did it the whole day, I could walk right past her, side by side, and not even look at her. I felt like throwing up the ENTIRE day, the anxiety of not knowing what she thinks, is what it was doing to me. And during v-ball I needed band-aides not once did I ask her for one I got the keys from Coach so I could get them myself, and I know she knew that. Not avoiding her, I guess you could say I didn't want to speak to her or look her in the eyes. Cause I know I would have heard the pain in her voice, and I could see the pain in her eyes. And maybe once or twice I caught her eye, and thats what I saw. We need to talk, one on one. No one else around. I need her to tell me what she thinks!! And then I don't know, other things will have to happen before I can try to figure out what might happen in the future. But my life as of now, is worth nothing, I did the one thing I never intended to do. And thats to hurt her. I don't know, as of now and technically yesterday, I am living by the moment with her, and that will be what decides are future I guess. Really its up to God's will. Well thats all I can think of to write, without be completely repetitive. so I'm going to go now, byebye.
------erin

Modified Oct 4, 2001 9:59 PM EDT