Desperately Seeking Truth

OH MY GOD!!!!!! I'm leaving tomorrow morning. It doesn't seem like it at all, I still have to go to graduation and finish all the hellish packing. Well things have gotten better since I last wrote, which was Monday, but I think it was actually tuesday. But well like I said I haven't seen Michelle much cause of finals, but I've talked to her on the phone a little bit. But yesterday I went to wal-mart with Letty, I spent like $80, my mom was pissed when she found out, but I think shes ok with it now, but I got stuff for my video camera, and snacks and stuff for my student to try and for me to eat at night or day if I don't necessarly want to eat much of the food. And I got 3 magazines for the flight, which isn't going to last very long. But oh well, I'll probably sleep most of the time, or study, or watch one of the inflight movies, they are supposed to have Men of Honor on the big screen on the way over there, but on the smaller ones in front of us they have stuff like the 6th day, Billy Elliot, and other movies but I can't remember what they are right now. Anyways, tuesday I took my Japanese test and got a 76 on it, which I am extremely proud of, I DIDN'T CHEAT like some of the other girls my age in there, I was the last one to finish, and while I was taking it one girl came and dropped her cheat sheet on my desk, I grabbed it and crumbled it up and put it in my pocket, then the other girl came and dropped the packets with all of the stuff on it on my desk, and I knocked them on the floor then kicked them behind me. It mainly agravated me cause Mrs. Jones was sitting like 2 seats in front of me. But I don't care I passed with out cheating rather than cheating and making a 95 on it, not doing the work yourself. Cheating really bugs me, if I slack off in class then I'm not going to cheat and do good on something I didn't earn, if I slack off then I SUFFER the consequences. Do you know what I mean? But well then wednsday, I had for tests rather than one, I had English, world history, and IPC (integrated physics and chemistry), and then drivers ed. at 1:30 after school. Wow I just thought about it, and I didn't go by Coach Warrens to see what I made on my English test. But world history-76, I left my freaking notes at home, the ones we COULD USE on the test, so I was pretty happy that I passed. IPC-61, I thought was pretty good according that I have only been in that class for 3 or 4 chapters of the 10 that were on the test, I had to get my schedule changed so I could have athletics 8th period, so I had to change like 3 of my classes, and teachers too, so I thought it was a fairly good grade even though I don't really like it. But in English, I know I passed with atleast a B if not an A, it was over Romeo and Juliet, and I had to write and essay, which I am like the only one in my class that know how to write one correctly, but R and J was really easy when we read it, and I knew it very well so I am really confident that I made a good grade. You know what is really cool though, I have an 84 average in Algebra, and I was pretty sure I was going to fail, but I made a 78 on my end-of-the-year exam last thursday, so I didn't have to take my Algebra test yesterday. Geez I was like 99% sure that I failed that exam and class, but just that 1% can amaze you the most. Anyways, well then yesterday is when me and Letty went shopping, when I got back I just hung around the house waiting for my mom to come get me so I could go get my permit (oh yeah I missed 8 out of 12 on that test, so I made like an 80), but she didn't show up till 3 and hour late, so I got her to drop me off, I went and got it, and walked to the tanning place, did that, then walked down to the square, to get my hair cut at 4:00. I was there on time, but we didn't start till like 15 till 5:00 cause of these 2 ladies in there. But I just got my hair trimmed so I was finally out of there at 5:30 or so, she washed it, cut it, and then took forever blow drying it which I don't really like blow drying my hair but oh well. Then I walked from the square to Subway, and hung out there with Dana while she worked, I got there about 6:00, we finally left at about 8:45, but it was fun, I went across the highway and got us some snow cones, and it was funny cause Dana, was like going after every single fly that came in there, I'm pretty sure she got them all, lol. But it was entertaining, I was happy cause I got to spend alot of time with her, we went to her house for her to change, then we went to my house for me to change, then we were going to go to a movie, but they all had started like an hour earlier, then the movie store had already closed, so we then just went and got a cd of mine from someones house. And then we went to Burger King for her to get a shake, I REFUSE to eat there. Then we just went to Subway and waited for Joey to close which was about 10 or 10:30, but we were talking to Beau and Kent outside while waiting. After Joey closed, he went straight home, but we stayed up there talking till about 11:10 and then Dana brought me home, she is really bad with directions its really funny. I'm going to miss her while I'm in Japan, but we're going to get together when I get back. But anyways, I now sit here at the house waiting on my dad, so we can go to the bank and get like $400 in traveler's checks. Plus he has my "Cool Water" perfume and my pictures, so I'll be one happy camper. So well I'm going to go now, see you all later.
Jane------Erin

Modified May 25, 2001 1:04 PM EDT

Well huh... Today has just been just plain blah. I guess sort of more cheery than yesterday though. However, I didn't talk much to Michelle or Miranda. I talked to Dana as much as I could though, I love her alot, she is just such a cool girl. I KNOW Michelle knew there was something up when I didn't talk to her, plus I wrote a letter to her Friday that said something to the fact that I was getting pissed cause my plans for Friday were ruined and more than likely the rest of the weekend too. Which ended up being true which you've noticed already. So well I don't know I probably won't see her before I go unless, its Thursday afternoon, or Friday at graduation. Cause right now or starting tomorrow we're doing our finals, so we will both have different times on everything. So well I don't know what I'm going to do, I think I'm going to sit her down after the tests and have a serious talk with her, cause there are other things I need to get off my chest before I leave. But anyways, like I said I have had a better day today. I took Lacey down in the hallway at lunch, she put her arm around my neck sort of like a headlock, and I turned her around and sort of took her legs out from under her and she went to the ground, but I fell on top of her though, but she went down first. Then she still had ahold of me, so I started tickling her, it was really fun, everyone around us was watching us. They probably think we're lesbians or something, cause thats just how our dumb-ass school is, spreading rumors and stupid shit like that. But I don't care cause I was having fun, and I really think its funny what all people say about me. But yeah I'm finally getting everything calmed down or sort of back to normal with all my senior buds (Diana, Lisa, and Lacey), we are all talking now. Well me and Lisa are sort of we don't really have alot to say really. But Lacey and I hung out all afternoon today, we just rode around town, and played with her kittens, and hung out at my house for a little bit, and then we had to go to the Athletics banquet thing. I had fun, especially since Amanda was sitting straight across from me, I mean on the other table across from me, but to where we had direct eye contact. The whole night we kept watching each other, she would catch me watching her, and I would catch her, but I would catch out of the corner of my eye, cause I wanted to see how long she was watching me. Truely neither one of us has done anything to each other, just we've changed so much, and never talk cause of no classes together, our entire friendship has gone straight to shit. And its just way to awkward being together (even 5 feet away), we just avoid each other. And yeah I watch her all the time, I am always trying to see if shes happy or not, which I can always tell cause I've known her so long, and I know her personality so well, or atleast I used to. But sometimes if shes in range, I listen to her conversations just so I can hear her voice. I miss her so very much, yet shes just right there in front of me. You know the saying "So close, yet so far away." That would be it, I miss our friendship alot, I still can't quite put my finger on it yet, but there is something about our friendship that was just so great, that just makes my heart ache beyond belief, it hurts alot. I would try but I think everything is just so far gone between us, that it is nearly impossible, and probably beyond repair. Well anyways, oh and being recognized at the banquet was very fun. I got a certificate playing volleyball, track, and softball. And then I got to go up there while Coach Molk, recognized the varsity softball players, (which only the varsity teams got to go stand up in front while our coaches talked and introduced us and announced our achievements). So it made me special, plus I was wearing my mom's high school ring on a necklace, so some people probably were like "Whoa, does Erin have a junior or senior boyfriend now, or something" or "Whose ring does she have, I didn't know she had an older boyfriend." Or if they didn't its still fun to think that, cause once again it would be once again another dumb rumor about me. But yeah I also felt good, cause I got to sort of brag but not by speaking, and I lettered my freshman year, which was my goal, so I was pretty happy, oh and also I was on varsity, and lettered my freshan year, and Amanda didn't an she got to watch me go up there every time, I hope I made her jealous or atleast mad, to know that little Erin did and got something better than her. She really truely hates me but oh well, do I really care? No, not really. Anyways, to tell you of the many latest rumors about me, I smoke weed, I get drunk every weekend (not true never smoked anything at all, and I've never been drunk, most I've ever done is maybe drink like 2 or 3 winecoolers which did nothing at all to me, not even a buzz), I went on a date last weekend, the guy tried to kiss me and spit on me on accident, I'm going out with Diana's brother Randy (also the guy in the ones above)(we all went bowling together, me, Diana, Randy and Brandon, Randy just invited me to go so Diana and I would start talking again, which worked by the way), uhh.. now they probaby think I'm a lesbian, (oh and by the way, so you know, the kissing thing is definately not true, I've never kissed a guy at all, not even on the lips, and no guy has tried to kiss me anyways}, hmm... theres probably more, which if I think of them, I'll write them in another entry. Well its getting late and like I said I have finals tomorrow, so I better go now.

Sore jamatta,
------Erin

P.S.
Tracey try not to do your diary at 2 in the morning again, I think it helps to get sleep, lol, no j/k do what you want, and I really will miss you after you graduate!!!!!

Modified May 21, 2001 11:46 PM EDT

Hmm... well as for me I'm exremely pissed off!! Yeah I just really love it how all my plans get entirely fucked up. Yeah see this weekend is my last weekend in my home town for like 2 and a half weeks, and i had plans for 3 of my friends to come over, to hang out. Well Michelle and Miranda had to work till 10, so they were going to come over afterwards and hang out till about 12 cause they had to work at 10 in the morning also, and yeah i understood that. Well Dana had to work till 8 and her and her family were moving that afternoon and all day saturday (or not all day, but till half-way through the afternoon). But so Dana couldn't do anything then, and I went and talked to Michelle at work and she said they weren't coming over they were going straight home after work, and I was like well ok whatever. So on saturday, I went shopping for the rest of the stuff I needed for Japan, and I told those 3 that I would call them when I got in. Well instead of going all the way to Dallas, we just decided to go to the little mall in Cleburne (our neighboring town), and went to the wal-mart there. So while were at the mall, Miranda's boyfriend Monroe was there looking at shoes, and he said that when he went home he was going to call Miranda and see what time they were going to leave to come back to the mall, so he could buy his shoes, and get Miranda some shoes. Then he was like I think Michelle was going to call you and see if you wanted to come, I was thinking well she didn't even know we were going to Cleburne so she didn't know what time I was getting back. Well so with knowing that it made me a little mad, but I went on shopping. Anyways, so when I got back around 5 or 5:30 I called Michelle and she of course asked me if I wanted to go, and I was like well 1st of all I have been in Cleburne all day long, and I'm tired. Then I was like well I'll call Dana and see what she is doing, or if she wanted to go. Well before I go on I have to tell you this so you'll understand, all 3 of them were supposed to come over friday, but that got canceled, so they were all supposed to come over saturday night. Anyways, Dana had gave me her new number to call her at, and I luckily got ahold of her, she said that they were behind and had like half of the moving done, so she was really busy and had to go. I mean thats something she couldn't help so I understood. So I called Michelle back, and no one answered, and then I called back a couple of minutes late and Michelle & Miranda's mom answered and said they already left. Which pissed me off even more, they promised me they were coming over, they weren't in the situation that Dana was in, so I got really upset, and I had nothing else to do, my friend Meghann had to go spend the afternoon with her mom at one of her friends house, so she couldn't do anything. And Letty just got back in town, and she had to work till like 10 so we couldn't do anything. So like I said I had nothing to do and I was all alone. Oh and I can't forget, that while at wal-mart I had bought alot of snacks for us to eat, so that was just a waste of my mom's money. So well, I went to sleep at like 6:30 in the afternoon and I think I woke up at midnight but I went back to sleep, and didn't get up till like 9 this morning. So well atleast I got alot of sleep, I haven't talked to them yet cause they are at church right now, and I'm about to go to my dad's house so I'll write more stuff later.
sore jamatta
------Erin

Modified May 20, 2001 12:13 PM EDT

Lol well yeah I did say I would write later, haha its like 2 hours later. I'm still pissed I might call Michelle when I'm done writing this, but I don't I might then again I might not. Oh yeah I forgot part to that earlier entry, I had cleaned my room from top to bottom. I dusted everything, and cleaned them with that pledge stuff, then I vaccumed my entire floor with one of those attachments (not the straight one, the one with a sort of flat top), and then I regular vaccumed it, I was making sure that it was really clean. Then I went and cleaned my bathroom completely, and I vaccumed that floor too, cause it would have been too hard to get all the dirt and dust up, so my floor in there is really clean now too, and I also dusted and cleaned my cabinets. So I did all that cleaning for no fucking reason!!! I'm really sick of people that bail out on me, or end up doing something they want to do, when someone has already planned something. We had planned do hang out at my house for like 3 weeks now, and then all the sudden Michelle and Miranda want to go to Cleburne, now to make my point, I'm not mad at Dana, cause theres nothing she could have done to get out of moving, they've been planning that for a long time, and also if she did try her and her parents would have gotten in to a big fight, and I don't want that, plus she would've gotten grounded too. So really I'm just aggrated with M&M. We had planned to do something for so long and they had to bail on me. I was really hoping that I could have a good weekend, so that I would be really happy before I leave for Japan, but dammit, once again my fucking plans fell through like always. Geez, I'm so fucking sick of this stupid shit. This just adds on to being used by Lacey, so she could get to one of my brothers. Oh yeah and my ex-best friend Amanda, are friendship just went straight to nothing, we might say a matter of a sentence to each other a week. It really sucks. But well yeah at the moment I'm just pissed cause of being bailed on once again, so well now I don't have anything else to say, so I'm going to go now. Jane ----Erin

Modified May 20, 2001 2:14 PM EDT

I think I am about ot go crazy!!!! AHHHH!!!! Geez I am getting so freaking busy, and I'm beginning to freak out about my trip to Japan, its just so far away, and it will be so much fun. I'm just having a hard time getting ready you know all the packing and crap like that, its a big pain in the ass!! I'm really afraid I'm going to forget to take something with me, that or my bag will be too heavy and I'll have to take some clothes out, more than likely something I will really want to wear. Our bags have to weigh 45 pounds cause its a none stop flight. Oh and geez what a long flight it will be from all the way over here in Texas, its a 14 or 15 hour flight I'm going to have some MAJOR jet lag. But I think that I will live. One of the main things I want to do while I am over there you know besides all the tours and the many trips will take, I want to get my tounge pierced, and my friend Dagan that is going (he's also 15), is going to get is re-done, and 2 other girls Katie and Brittany want to get their belly-buttons pierced. LOL I really think if we could find a place they will chicken out, those 2 are really girly, lol I'm hardly afraid of anything, I mean stuff like piercing and easy crap like that, I go out for everything, I usually have to try something at least once. I don't chicken out much I guess is my point. We are only going to be over there for 2 weeks but I'm going to miss 3 of my friends alot!! Michelle and Miranda (they're twins), and good ol' Dana, I spend so much time with them and its going to be weird with out them being around, but when I get back we're all going to get together and me tell them about everything, or show them, from pictures and my video, luckily my mom is letting me take my video camera. Anyways, I'm sorta getting freaked out about school too. I'm not so sure i'm going to pass algebra or not, I still have like 5 or 6 even lessons (15 problems each) to turn in, but for 2 lessons the teacher gave me the answers I've just got so caught up in everything I just haven't found the time to do it, and its very easy. This year I don't know what has happened to me, my grades have dropped alot, and I have lost tons of friends from my class. I'm maybe friends with possibly 10 people in my class right now, I'm friends with all the upper classmen mainly. But I've just changed so much, I wonder what happened to me, I used to be this really happy girl that did like everything right, I used to have a goal to get straight A's and strive my hardest to get to the honor society, whether in junior high or in high school, but I just don't seem so care anymore. About anything that is!!! I really don't care much of what happens to me either, I mean I don't want to fail a grade so I try at the last minute. Oh, and this year is the 1st year in my entire life that I have failed a class. Maybe its just cause its my freshman year, so hopefully I'll get everything togetther. Oh and speaking of that I got told that by one of my coaches today. See my v-ball coach was telling me if during the season next year if I miss as much school as I am now then I won't play alot, and I was like yeah of course I understand that, cause thats how its always been. And my softball coach was standing there too, and I was walking out the door to go warm up for v-ball, she called my name so I went back, and she was like Erin you better get your act together, geez it made me feel so horrible to hear that, it just made me realize how badly I have fallen apart this year, its so unbelievable. I guess it made me feel hurt, cause I know how much it is true, and I have no clue what to do about it, I think I will talk to her about it tomorrow, if I finish my end-of-the-year algebra test in time, we start after lunch and athletics is last period for me (8th per.), oh and I was meaning my softball coach, Coach Molk. But well I have lots more to rant about, but I simply don't have time to right now, so I'll try and write more tomorrow.
Sore Jamatta,
Erin

Modified May 16, 2001 11:29 PM EDT

Well today is actually a cheery one, I haven't been this happy in atleast 2 months or so. Everyone seemed to be talking to me today, mainly the ones that I had seemed to have lost friendship with, but I guess I was wrong, I guess they still do care about me. It made me feel real good inside to have them talk to me, cause I've missed their friendships alot. You know cause I love em. Well I am smelling really stange right now, I just got back from tanning, it was only my second time ever. And the lotion stuff smells tropical but still like lotion, its just weird. But I can already tell how much darker I am, I am trying to get one color before I go to Japan. Yes I did say Japan. I am going to be a foreign exchange student for 2 weeks, and I don't want to look like an idiot being like 6 different tans lines. I play alot of different sports and they all make me have weird tan lines. But anyways I'm happy, go-lucky today, and I'm gonna go finish it off with some extra sleep.
Sore Ja Matta ---Erin

P.S.
sore ja matta, means see you later in Japanese, also Jane means the same thing.

Modified May 9, 2001 10:10 PM EDT

Hmm... Well let me see. I have problems writing diarys or journals so I'm just going to attempt and write in this thing.

Modified May 4, 2001 11:49 PM EDT