Thursday, December 27, 2001
Earlier I was answering a question in Blissygirl18887's tagbook. The question was "Give me a quote that best applies to you right now and who's it by....." And well me being the quote person I put alot on there, but I didn't nesscessarily know who wrote them all. But well I'm going to put them on here for ya, cause I thought that well its something about me, so it belongs in this journal.
"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else!"
-Unknown
?A true friend stabs you in the front.? -Unknown
"The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves." -Sophocles
"a best friend is like a four leaved clover, hard to find and lucky to have" -Unknown
"I have great faith in fools-- self-confidence my friends call it." -Edgar Allen Poe
"False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil." -Socrates
"Man is his own worst enemy." -Cicero
"An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie; for am excuse is a lie guarded." -Alexander Pope
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend." -Madame Dorotheè Deluzy
"It is better to be hated for what you are, rather than to be loved for what you are not." -Andrè Gide
"A bad man is worse when he pretends to be a saint." -Francis Bacon
Well thats alot I know, but oh well, theres still alot more I could put on here but I don't really have the time right now.
And yeah well I don't really feel like writing about the last couple of days right now, I'm not really in the mood. So well I'll see ya later.
--------Erin
Modified Dec 27, 2001 7:11 PM EST
"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else!"
-Unknown
?A true friend stabs you in the front.? -Unknown
"The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves." -Sophocles
"a best friend is like a four leaved clover, hard to find and lucky to have" -Unknown
"I have great faith in fools-- self-confidence my friends call it." -Edgar Allen Poe
"False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil." -Socrates
"Man is his own worst enemy." -Cicero
"An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie; for am excuse is a lie guarded." -Alexander Pope
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend." -Madame Dorotheè Deluzy
"It is better to be hated for what you are, rather than to be loved for what you are not." -Andrè Gide
"A bad man is worse when he pretends to be a saint." -Francis Bacon
Well thats alot I know, but oh well, theres still alot more I could put on here but I don't really have the time right now.
And yeah well I don't really feel like writing about the last couple of days right now, I'm not really in the mood. So well I'll see ya later.
--------Erin
Modified Dec 27, 2001 7:11 PM EST
Saturday, December 22, 2001
Well now that I'm getting pissed off because of this dang computer my day is getting so much better. It seems not to want to keep my windows up, or let me copy the things I'm typing before they close. This is the 4th time I've tried to write. Well yeah I have an incredible headache right now. And it feels like my head is going to explode. And I've felt like throwing up all day long. Oh and you can't forget that I can't walk properly. Its mainly from lifting weights yesterday, we did most of the things on our legs, which we haven't done in awhile. So I think thats whats its mostly from. But hey I'll live.
Ya know it ceases to amaze me how everytime I get sad or something bad happens, the song "bad day" by fuel, comes on. Kind of like earlier tonight. Michelle said she would call me today so I of course waited. I even waited till after 10:30 p.m. to come get on the computer. And well after friends at 10:30 I turned off the tv and turned on the radio that song came on. And I of course I couldn't help but cry. I really couldn't. I talked to Michelle last night, and when we got off I told her well I'll probably talk to you when school starts back up, and she said no and that she'd call me tomorrow (which she didn't). She leaves next week to go skiing and after they get done skiing they are going to Louisiana, and they won't be back till the day before school starts. And I'm going to dad's tomorrow for x-mas, and then on sunday we're going with our mom to our aunts house for x-mas. So I won't be here. And of course we probably won't talk on monday since its christmas eve and all. And she'll be packing the day after x-mas. But hey if she does talk to her friends it won't be me, she'll probably call Bekah or Shanna, not me. So uhh.. yeah like always that song makes me cry or makes me think of things that makes me mad.
But as for yesterday. Michelle gave me back my poems. And I got really pissed that morning too. Well see I was sitting across from Tonya, Michelle was on my right and Bekah on my left, and Miranda (came a little later in the conversation though) and Shanna were on the other corner of the table. But anyways, well all the sudden Bekah asks Tonya, "hey are you coming to the Poss's tomorrow?" She said "What are you talking about" Bekah was like didn't Miranda tell you?" Then Michelle goes "yeah party at my house" or something close to that. And Tonya was like "no, Miranda hasn't really talked to me much lately." And Michelle and Bekah both disagreed. And of course both Tonya and I said something about that. I said right and you say talking is blowing her off. And Tonya said "that one day I tried to tell her about when my dad kicked me out of the car the day before, and she like snapped my head off, and said no I don't." Then Tonya said "no I can't come because I'm grounded." And well Miranda had just got there and basically got the part where she couldn't come, and of course Tonya told the story again, since they weren't really listening when she told me and someone else. So then Miranda covers her mouth with her hand, and goes "so since she can't some do you want Dana to come?" and that was to Bekah by the way. And Michelle knew what was going on. And it really pissed me off. Cause she pretty much pretended like I wasn't even there for the whole conversation. She says she wants me to do things with her. But yet she does that. They were having some get together to exchange x-mas gifts. I'm not going to take all of that personal from the 3 of them. But still I thought that is was kind of absurd. You know I was trying so hard not to say anything I just kind of looked off the whole time, or I looked down. I was so pissed at the time, and I got even more pissed when Bekah goes, "Michelle I need to talk to you when we leave the library." And no I don't know if she wanted to talk about me or not, but I think its a possibility. But hey I got over it. And Rachel made my day, by giving me a 1/2 pound box of hot tamales and a card which she wrote a note that made me happy. Cause she said she was glad that I am in most of her classes (5 of them) cause she wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. And that she is glad that we have became better friends. It totally cheered me up, cause I'm back that we are friends again. But we never really weren't friends, we just didn't talk much last year. But yeah then later I was going to my locker, and walked past Miranda and I said hey, and she said Dana was looking for me, but I thought she said Daniel. Which confused me, so I was like Daniel? and she said NO Dana. So ok, yeah I went and found Dana. She gave me a card with a lottery ticket in it (I didn't win), and a little bottle of lotion. And in the card she wrote something to give me courage (or inspiration I guess you could say), which I appreciated. And later Coach Hancock gave the whole JV team little Boyd angel bears, which were really cute. So really those are the only real christmas presents I have gotten or will get, cause I know I'm not getting anything else real for x-mas, just money I think. Which is going to Meghann's wedding, for my dress, etc. And a new computer, and what I have left I'll probably buy later x-mas presents. I'm serious I don't even have presents for my own family. I don't have much of the holiday spirit this year.
Michelle still hasn't said anything at all referring to the letter I wrote her or my poems. We?ve even talked on the phone, which is why I called her last night, but I thought that somehow it might upset her, and then make her sad before x-mas which I don?t want so I didn?t bring it up even when she told me to talk, and then asked why I called if I didn?t want to talk. Which my lame excuse was that I didn?t really want to talk about anything that would make me mad, which is true, so well that brought up something for me to talk about cause she asked like what? Ya know mom, B and Kyle the usual stuff. But yeah like I said before I?m patient so she can take her time, but preferably not too long yeah ya know like 3 weeks after I wrote her, I would like her to get back to me by atleast the first week back to school. Cause after that I might get really upset. Cause I mean she had a week before the holidays but she had to study for finals so thats an exception but she has today and tomorrow. But those are also exceptions cause she preparing to go skiing, so she was shopping, and then of course I don?t care what she does cause I don?t want her to worry over me over the holidays. But ya know I would like to know what she thinks. But hey whenever is fine, I don?t really put time limits up, cause that?s dumb, but hey I don?t like it to be longer than it really has to be. Cause I want to solve this problem so neither of us have to worry about it. Blah Blah Blah, I?m ranting. Sorry.
Well yeah I hope everyone has great holidays. And hopefully its snows more in the skiing areas so everyone CAN go skiing, including my mom and B, cause then I have the car and the house pretty much to myself. Which means I can relax more. Well most of the time atleast. I?ll be at home bored unless, I help a out Meghann with her ?soon to be house.? Well for awhile I have just been a bridesmaid. But Meghann informed me that I?ll probably be her maid of honor. Well I probably would have been in the first place, but?. she promised Stephania along time ago that she would be her maid of honor, cause they were best friends, but then Steph moved and she has changed a lot, and is really rude now. So Meghann doesn?t want her in the wedding any more. So she will find some way to get her out of it, she just doesn?t want to be rude, but will probably will have to be in the end. And another thing is, is that Steph refuses to help with the wedding or anything else at all. Shes not even a friend anymore. And she was going to be the m.o.h, but her own family refused to come to the wedding. They?ve all changed a lot. And these are all my words, these pretty much ALL came from Meghann. But anyways, so if I?m not at home being bored I?ll be helping Meghann. And I?m really excited to be in her wedding, whether or not I?m a bridesmaid or a m.o.h. I was this excited before I even knew she wanted me to be in her wedding. I?m really happy for her, she deserves it. Her and Scott are made for each other, you should see them they are so cute together. Oh by the way so you don?t forget, I?m helping her as a friend, and also cause shes getting married in about 3 months. And she also needs someone to keep her going cause her fiancé will be out of town for 3 weeks in Taiwan (mission trip), so I am doing what any good friend would do, be there for her in time of need.
Well I think that pretty much sums it up for today, and I know I will for sure have a lot to say on Monday, cause I?ll have my x-mas thing done then.. Happy Holidays to everyone.
----------------Erin
Modified Dec 22, 2001 2:10 AM EST
Ya know it ceases to amaze me how everytime I get sad or something bad happens, the song "bad day" by fuel, comes on. Kind of like earlier tonight. Michelle said she would call me today so I of course waited. I even waited till after 10:30 p.m. to come get on the computer. And well after friends at 10:30 I turned off the tv and turned on the radio that song came on. And I of course I couldn't help but cry. I really couldn't. I talked to Michelle last night, and when we got off I told her well I'll probably talk to you when school starts back up, and she said no and that she'd call me tomorrow (which she didn't). She leaves next week to go skiing and after they get done skiing they are going to Louisiana, and they won't be back till the day before school starts. And I'm going to dad's tomorrow for x-mas, and then on sunday we're going with our mom to our aunts house for x-mas. So I won't be here. And of course we probably won't talk on monday since its christmas eve and all. And she'll be packing the day after x-mas. But hey if she does talk to her friends it won't be me, she'll probably call Bekah or Shanna, not me. So uhh.. yeah like always that song makes me cry or makes me think of things that makes me mad.
But as for yesterday. Michelle gave me back my poems. And I got really pissed that morning too. Well see I was sitting across from Tonya, Michelle was on my right and Bekah on my left, and Miranda (came a little later in the conversation though) and Shanna were on the other corner of the table. But anyways, well all the sudden Bekah asks Tonya, "hey are you coming to the Poss's tomorrow?" She said "What are you talking about" Bekah was like didn't Miranda tell you?" Then Michelle goes "yeah party at my house" or something close to that. And Tonya was like "no, Miranda hasn't really talked to me much lately." And Michelle and Bekah both disagreed. And of course both Tonya and I said something about that. I said right and you say talking is blowing her off. And Tonya said "that one day I tried to tell her about when my dad kicked me out of the car the day before, and she like snapped my head off, and said no I don't." Then Tonya said "no I can't come because I'm grounded." And well Miranda had just got there and basically got the part where she couldn't come, and of course Tonya told the story again, since they weren't really listening when she told me and someone else. So then Miranda covers her mouth with her hand, and goes "so since she can't some do you want Dana to come?" and that was to Bekah by the way. And Michelle knew what was going on. And it really pissed me off. Cause she pretty much pretended like I wasn't even there for the whole conversation. She says she wants me to do things with her. But yet she does that. They were having some get together to exchange x-mas gifts. I'm not going to take all of that personal from the 3 of them. But still I thought that is was kind of absurd. You know I was trying so hard not to say anything I just kind of looked off the whole time, or I looked down. I was so pissed at the time, and I got even more pissed when Bekah goes, "Michelle I need to talk to you when we leave the library." And no I don't know if she wanted to talk about me or not, but I think its a possibility. But hey I got over it. And Rachel made my day, by giving me a 1/2 pound box of hot tamales and a card which she wrote a note that made me happy. Cause she said she was glad that I am in most of her classes (5 of them) cause she wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. And that she is glad that we have became better friends. It totally cheered me up, cause I'm back that we are friends again. But we never really weren't friends, we just didn't talk much last year. But yeah then later I was going to my locker, and walked past Miranda and I said hey, and she said Dana was looking for me, but I thought she said Daniel. Which confused me, so I was like Daniel? and she said NO Dana. So ok, yeah I went and found Dana. She gave me a card with a lottery ticket in it (I didn't win), and a little bottle of lotion. And in the card she wrote something to give me courage (or inspiration I guess you could say), which I appreciated. And later Coach Hancock gave the whole JV team little Boyd angel bears, which were really cute. So really those are the only real christmas presents I have gotten or will get, cause I know I'm not getting anything else real for x-mas, just money I think. Which is going to Meghann's wedding, for my dress, etc. And a new computer, and what I have left I'll probably buy later x-mas presents. I'm serious I don't even have presents for my own family. I don't have much of the holiday spirit this year.
Michelle still hasn't said anything at all referring to the letter I wrote her or my poems. We?ve even talked on the phone, which is why I called her last night, but I thought that somehow it might upset her, and then make her sad before x-mas which I don?t want so I didn?t bring it up even when she told me to talk, and then asked why I called if I didn?t want to talk. Which my lame excuse was that I didn?t really want to talk about anything that would make me mad, which is true, so well that brought up something for me to talk about cause she asked like what? Ya know mom, B and Kyle the usual stuff. But yeah like I said before I?m patient so she can take her time, but preferably not too long yeah ya know like 3 weeks after I wrote her, I would like her to get back to me by atleast the first week back to school. Cause after that I might get really upset. Cause I mean she had a week before the holidays but she had to study for finals so thats an exception but she has today and tomorrow. But those are also exceptions cause she preparing to go skiing, so she was shopping, and then of course I don?t care what she does cause I don?t want her to worry over me over the holidays. But ya know I would like to know what she thinks. But hey whenever is fine, I don?t really put time limits up, cause that?s dumb, but hey I don?t like it to be longer than it really has to be. Cause I want to solve this problem so neither of us have to worry about it. Blah Blah Blah, I?m ranting. Sorry.
Well yeah I hope everyone has great holidays. And hopefully its snows more in the skiing areas so everyone CAN go skiing, including my mom and B, cause then I have the car and the house pretty much to myself. Which means I can relax more. Well most of the time atleast. I?ll be at home bored unless, I help a out Meghann with her ?soon to be house.? Well for awhile I have just been a bridesmaid. But Meghann informed me that I?ll probably be her maid of honor. Well I probably would have been in the first place, but?. she promised Stephania along time ago that she would be her maid of honor, cause they were best friends, but then Steph moved and she has changed a lot, and is really rude now. So Meghann doesn?t want her in the wedding any more. So she will find some way to get her out of it, she just doesn?t want to be rude, but will probably will have to be in the end. And another thing is, is that Steph refuses to help with the wedding or anything else at all. Shes not even a friend anymore. And she was going to be the m.o.h, but her own family refused to come to the wedding. They?ve all changed a lot. And these are all my words, these pretty much ALL came from Meghann. But anyways, so if I?m not at home being bored I?ll be helping Meghann. And I?m really excited to be in her wedding, whether or not I?m a bridesmaid or a m.o.h. I was this excited before I even knew she wanted me to be in her wedding. I?m really happy for her, she deserves it. Her and Scott are made for each other, you should see them they are so cute together. Oh by the way so you don?t forget, I?m helping her as a friend, and also cause shes getting married in about 3 months. And she also needs someone to keep her going cause her fiancé will be out of town for 3 weeks in Taiwan (mission trip), so I am doing what any good friend would do, be there for her in time of need.
Well I think that pretty much sums it up for today, and I know I will for sure have a lot to say on Monday, cause I?ll have my x-mas thing done then.. Happy Holidays to everyone.
----------------Erin
Modified Dec 22, 2001 2:10 AM EST
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
Wow it still amazes me how much I hate the holidays. No really I do. They are just so depressing, well atleast with me they are. Not to mention I'll be lonely, and I'm not able to buy anyone presents this year, even my own family. But hey life is life and I have to deal with it.
Yeah we're doing are x-mas this weekend. Saturday with my dad, and Sunday with my mom. Yay time to spend with my messed up family, what great fun.
And off of the family topic. As for Michelle, I don't know was going on. I wrote her a 2 page letter on sunday, and gave it to her on Monday morning, I also let her have my poems so she could read the new ones. But uhh... yeah she called me the other day but acted as if nothing happened this weekend, or that I even wrote her a letter. And well it will be thursday tomorrow, and I think shes leaving this weekend or the beginning of next week, and I don't want to wait two weeks with not knowing anything. But I don't know I'm patient, and I love her so how ever long it takes her then I'll wait. But I'm always nervous when I don't have my poems in my posession. Cause I don't trust very many people with them. But anyways, I'm kind of worried cause I don't think that she believes me, that I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, and I mean everything. And I have never ever lied to her, or anything remotely to make her not trust me. I have done nothing like that by any means. But other peoples doing could make her not trust me and not believe me. And thats not directed at anyone at all, its just a possibility cause its happened to me before. I am not lying to her, I wouldn't make a promise if I couldn't keep it. Honest to God I wouldn't break a promise. No matter what anyone else believes, I believe what I believe, and I won't break that promise. You know while I'm at it, I trust people for reasons, one especially ones that I know won't stab me in the back. And I find it difficult to trust people that have stabbed my other friends in the back, and talked bad about them before they even met them. Not to mention that by other people believing them, they are the reason why more than 20 people hate one of my other friends. Now once again this isn't directed towards anyone in particular, just anyone out there that took the time to read this. Thats just one of of my personal statements that I want all of you people to know. So don't get pissed at me ok. Basically the point of that is to say, that if someone does end up saying something to Michelle about me thats not true and I found out I'll be pissed. Cause the only people I trust to give her real advice about me, is Dana and Meghann, and Miranda. Cause they know me for me. I'm sorry but I don't want someone to come along that doesn't like me for some dumb reason, to tell a lie and convince someone that I love to not like me. So basically I want you to listen to me, and I promise on my own life that I won't break that promise. I will do anything for you. Trust me, you once did. I still trust you. Do whats right, and believe me. I'm telling you the truth, my words that I write to you, my poems that I've wrote. All are me. And thats the truth, there are no lies. I've never lied to you, and if I have you haven't told me. If I lied then trust me I would remember. But I don't know, write me back, and please get my poems back to me, when you're done. And please trust me. Thats all I ask.
Well its late and I still have finals tomorrow so I better go. C-ya later, byebye
-------------Erin
Modified Dec 19, 2001 11:57 PM EST
Yeah we're doing are x-mas this weekend. Saturday with my dad, and Sunday with my mom. Yay time to spend with my messed up family, what great fun.
And off of the family topic. As for Michelle, I don't know was going on. I wrote her a 2 page letter on sunday, and gave it to her on Monday morning, I also let her have my poems so she could read the new ones. But uhh... yeah she called me the other day but acted as if nothing happened this weekend, or that I even wrote her a letter. And well it will be thursday tomorrow, and I think shes leaving this weekend or the beginning of next week, and I don't want to wait two weeks with not knowing anything. But I don't know I'm patient, and I love her so how ever long it takes her then I'll wait. But I'm always nervous when I don't have my poems in my posession. Cause I don't trust very many people with them. But anyways, I'm kind of worried cause I don't think that she believes me, that I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, and I mean everything. And I have never ever lied to her, or anything remotely to make her not trust me. I have done nothing like that by any means. But other peoples doing could make her not trust me and not believe me. And thats not directed at anyone at all, its just a possibility cause its happened to me before. I am not lying to her, I wouldn't make a promise if I couldn't keep it. Honest to God I wouldn't break a promise. No matter what anyone else believes, I believe what I believe, and I won't break that promise. You know while I'm at it, I trust people for reasons, one especially ones that I know won't stab me in the back. And I find it difficult to trust people that have stabbed my other friends in the back, and talked bad about them before they even met them. Not to mention that by other people believing them, they are the reason why more than 20 people hate one of my other friends. Now once again this isn't directed towards anyone in particular, just anyone out there that took the time to read this. Thats just one of of my personal statements that I want all of you people to know. So don't get pissed at me ok. Basically the point of that is to say, that if someone does end up saying something to Michelle about me thats not true and I found out I'll be pissed. Cause the only people I trust to give her real advice about me, is Dana and Meghann, and Miranda. Cause they know me for me. I'm sorry but I don't want someone to come along that doesn't like me for some dumb reason, to tell a lie and convince someone that I love to not like me. So basically I want you to listen to me, and I promise on my own life that I won't break that promise. I will do anything for you. Trust me, you once did. I still trust you. Do whats right, and believe me. I'm telling you the truth, my words that I write to you, my poems that I've wrote. All are me. And thats the truth, there are no lies. I've never lied to you, and if I have you haven't told me. If I lied then trust me I would remember. But I don't know, write me back, and please get my poems back to me, when you're done. And please trust me. Thats all I ask.
Well its late and I still have finals tomorrow so I better go. C-ya later, byebye
-------------Erin
Modified Dec 19, 2001 11:57 PM EST
Monday, December 17, 2001
Well as of now I feel like crap, I'm sick of all of this sinus junk. It annoys the crap out of me. But anyways. Yeah I'm tired. I have semester finals starting tomorrow. Yay.... j/k. And my most major test is tomorrow. Algebra 2 Pre. AP. Which I am taking a break from studying right now, I've been studying for more than 2 hours.
Well the one good part about finals is that you get out early. We get out at 12:20. I have my Biology, Japanese 3 test, and my Algebra 2 Pre AP tests tomorrow. And then on Wednesday, I have English, Japanese 2 and Health. And after school b-ball practice is from 1:00 to 3:30. Then on Thursday (our last day), I have World Geography and Athletics. Although I'm confused about the last 2 days of which classes they are, cause are school is stupid, and they tend not to put the important info on the school website.
But uhh... I better get back to studying, Byebye.
--------Erin
Modified Dec 17, 2001 11:28 PM EST
Well the one good part about finals is that you get out early. We get out at 12:20. I have my Biology, Japanese 3 test, and my Algebra 2 Pre AP tests tomorrow. And then on Wednesday, I have English, Japanese 2 and Health. And after school b-ball practice is from 1:00 to 3:30. Then on Thursday (our last day), I have World Geography and Athletics. Although I'm confused about the last 2 days of which classes they are, cause are school is stupid, and they tend not to put the important info on the school website.
But uhh... I better get back to studying, Byebye.
--------Erin
Modified Dec 17, 2001 11:28 PM EST
Tuesday, December 04, 2001
I'm really sad right now. I just wish I could have someone to just simply hold me. So I could just feel that warm embrace. Yeah you know what I'm sad about. Michelle. I really don't know what to do, ot what to say to make things better. I think shes given up. Yeah I really do know she tries and I know shes always tried her hardest to make me happy and make things work. I really DO know that, and I don't think I could ever express in words how much that means to me. And another thing I know she thinks or feels should I say. Is that she thinks that I feel that I don't want her to have any other friends but me, which totally isn't true. I have told her before that I happy she has other friends, and I'm glad she spends time with them. I know I have told her that but I guess she just doesn't believe it. And another thing I know she doesn't trust me anymore. And what has she always said about a friendship? That trust is the most important thing. But I don't really think I betrayed her in any way. All I know is that I have been extremely depressed (I don't think there is any words to really explain how badly I was depressed), for a long time. And she always tried her hardest to make me happy. But when you've been depresed for so long you just can't really feel any emotions but bad ones. So I didn't feel like being happy. And yeah I know by the stages I went through during my depression that I did alot of things, which I know several hurt her. But I seriously couldn't control what I did. My emotions controlled me, I became heartless, and I guess I wanted some one to know what pain I was going through, so I told her about my problems. And thats another thing she doesn't like being around people that aren't happy. And from my perspective, I know it seems as if I only want her to me with me and no one else. But you see this summer, I only spent time with her and Dana, generally I was with one, when the other was busy. And then once we were in school, Michelle, Dana, and Miranda, and I had volleyball together, which so we spent time together. And now that v-ball is over. Michelle well she had to work for awhile, but now she doesn't work anymore. So she was busy with that for awhile. And now the only thing I can think of that shes busy with is homework, church, and family. Sorry left out a part. I want to spend time with her, but its as if she is always busy. And well since all of the above are the only reasons I could think of that she would be busy. But anyways. Yeah Michelle and Miranda, have had Bekah and Shanna over alot the last couple of weeks. And I sit here and think, did I disappear or what. And when I worked so hard to get back from my soccer tournament in San Angelo to get to her b-day party (I didn't even go home and get shoes, got them muddy before a game). While I was there I felt so alone. Which is weird cause there were like 7 other people there. But I swear they have so many inside jokes (way more than they realize). And yeah I could come to understand most of them. But an inside joke is something (a funny understanding I guess you could say), between two people (or how ever many people were there when it happened). My point is, is that it doesn't mean near as much to me as it does to them, cause I wasn't there when it happened. Anyways, so yeah I did feel left out. But I did have fun though. Cause even being in the mere presence of Michelle makes me happy. C.S. I don't know, I do feel really left out and stuff, since I wasn't there like all those weekends with them, when Michelle was busy. Sorry just a little frustration coming out there at the end. But Michelle says that I'm welcome to come along anytime. But its like if shes already planned something with someone else, then it feels like I'm a third wheel or a tag along. Or even so, it feels like I'm inviting myself. Which I find to be rude in doing so, even if they say its not rude, I still feel that way. I don't like to barge in on other people's business (or plans). And yeah I have baskteball practice till about 6:00 everyday except on game days, but I'm home the rest of the night, I stay off the internet (and I make sure no one else gets on either), till after 10:00 cause Michelle can't call me after 10:00. But I'm not really busy with basketball I haven't been able to play for like 3 weeks, so I was definately free then. I'm never really busy, and if she wanted to do something with me or plan something with someone else but including me at the same time rather than later (if its later thats when I feel like a tag along), I will do something to make time for her. Cause after all a sport isn't as important as a bast friend. Another thing, is she needs to tell me everything she tells other people, because I don't know about what she really feels about things. I need the straight out truth. And as much as she says I don't, I do tell her everything, and I mean everything. I mean why else would my letter be 2/3/4/or 5 page long letters, I literally tell her everything. And also this diary is another way. I know she wants to talk, but she doesn't want to have a serious conversation. Or if she does have a serious conversation she doesn't want to start it. Well hey I'll start it, when ever shes ready. And yeah other times shes tried to have a serious conversation, I didn't say much. Its because one I didn't have much notice to think about what I would clearly say. Cause I seriously mean it if I don't have time to sort my words out and make them clear, then either she wouldn't understand it or it would make things worse than they already were. Well so thats that. And I'm going to go ahead and add this little bit. I am happy, and I haven't been happy for a very very long time. I really am, I'm not just saying that. And I've wanted to share that with her for the last couple of weeks, and I wanted to show her. But I don't know, with Bekah or Shanna around it makes it a little difficult. Also, whenever I've wanted to show her she had already had plans, so well I failed at that attempt. So thats part of it. And no I don't have anything against Bekah or Shanna, I just don't know them near as well as Michelle, and little by little I'm learning to trust them. Everything takes time, but things eventually come around. So I don't hate them, I just get a little nervous sharing things around them. And I hope that she can understand I don't mind at all that shes friends with other people, I think its great, I really do. Well I hope she understands by reading this why it seems that I don't want her having other friends. And just one more thing, I lost all of my friends my freshman year, and I had her to keep me going. And now I have been able to get several of of my old close friends back, so yeah I'm getting happier, I have other friends as well. But I don't know like I said in my last entry, I believe a person has one best friend, and several close friends. And I still want her to be my best friend, even though she may not want me as a best friend, anything at all is good with her. I just don't want to become a nothing to her. But well I think I've said everything I can think of now, and my hands hurt from typing so much, so now I'm going to go, byebye.
--------Erin
Modified Dec 4, 2001 10:38 PM EST
--------Erin
Modified Dec 4, 2001 10:38 PM EST
Sunday, December 02, 2001
Huh... Well yeah I wrote on this thing like November 20th, but the entire thing (really long) was lost, cause some dumb ass tried to call (my mom's bf). Which totally pissed me off, cause it was really important stuff, and which I can't remember exactly what I wrote, and I'm still pissed. So I guess I'm just going to write about the things bothering me now, or important I guess.
Well yeah the day after thanksgiving my neighbor's dog (an Akita we think), attacked our 2 little dogs (cinder and Kindle). Cinder was hurt really bad, and Kindle wasn't too bad. When we got them back that afternoon, Cinder had 3 drain tubes in here, plus more stiches. She needed tubes, because when a dog bites and pull away it pulls the muslce away, which forms pockets. And the tubes so the blood and other fluids could drain out. Which the 3 days later she got them out, but on thursday she had to get 2 of them put back in because it got infected, and I'm talking about she has huge holes in her. But I would say over all she has about 75-100 stiches. Now Kindle only had one bite. But still got stiches, only about 10 or so, but for 3 days she had a wrap around her waist and it looked like underwear which looked cute. They were both supposed to get their stiches out this tuesday (the 4th), but Kindle probably will, and Cinder may have some taken out but not all. But just from that 1st visit, the bill was $383 which my neighbor had to pay. But there is a chance that Cinder's skin could slab off (fall of in big pieces), and if that happens we have to take her back and they will treat her for something completely different. And which our neighbor will have to pay for that too. Anyways, with all that excitement, the day before (thanksgiving), I got a new dog (puppy). My other dogs found it apparently. My mom called all of our neighbors to see if it was their's. But one of them said someone had shot a dog, and left it in their driveway. Another neighbor said that they had seen a puppy wandering around. Which now its mine. We think its a golden retreiver. And since I'm the one that plays with it mainly I named it. I found it getting old calling the dog, for 2 days, by just saying "come here" or making those kissing noises. So I named him Graham, I looked it up in the dictionary and it said something like "wheat-something flour" and wheat is that brownish color so thats where it came from. Plus I just like the name Graham.
Anyways and new the other important stuff. I think things between Michelle and I are pretty much ending, one thing at a time. We never talk anymore. I swear she is always with Bekah, Shanna, or Tonya, or all three. And when I'm going to ask her if she wanted to come over or go do something, she has already planned something with either of them. I don't know when they planned these things. But all I know is that it never even gives me the chance to ask. TELL ME THIS, HOW CAN YOU DO SOMETHING WITH ONE PERSON WHEN THEY'VE ALREADY PLANNED SOMETHING WITH ANOTHER? First of all its rude to ask someone if they want to stay the night when they already have plans. Cause basically I feel likes its telling the other person that I don't like them (so they may think), or that I don't think that the other person is important enough, or that I think that she should be spending all of her time with me-not them. I don't want people to think that. If I want Michelle to stay the night with me, and she had planned to do something with someone else already, they generally feel obligated to invite me, which then makes me feel like a 3rd wheel or a tag along. Or hell just a plain out loser. Honestly Michelle and Dana are the only ones that completely know me. And I don't want Michelle asking either of the other three for advice about the problems that WE have. Cause they DO NOT know me well enough, to have good advice. If it were Dana giving the advice then it would be ok. But another thing about that she talks to other people about me, about things that I don't even know she feels. She won't tell me things, that I NEED to know. I tell her exactly how I feel about everything, so she can't say I don't tell her the "straight out truth." Cause I do, I know I do, cause why do you think more than half of my letters are either 2/3/4/ or 5 page letters. I tell her everything that I think or feel. I need her to tell me the "straight out truth." I don't know she just spends all of her time with other people now. It doesn't make me mad, but it does make me sad. Cause I don't want to be the outsider. And it finally hit me the other day, that they have been spending alot more time together than I thought. I swear they have like 25 different inside jokes. That I have no clue about. And inside joke is something between that person and another person. So if I knew what the inside jokes were, I wouldn't be able to get "involved in them," sure they may make sense but they would mean nearly as much to me as it does to them. I hope that makes some sense to you. Anyways. And well yeah we are both trying are best to make us work (i know I am but I think Michelle did, but gave up awhile ago). But what happens when both strive so hard but nothing comes from it? What does it mean? Does it mean to give up or keep trying till something happens? I have no clue. But I do know that I cry forever every night, cause I just feel pain. And its not the pain you feel when you're depressed. Cause I'm not depressed anymore. Maybe thats another thing, I am happy now, but Michelle has been able to see that. Shes always too busy. Its hard to show someone that your happy when you can't get the chance. Sure yeah I could say that and it be the truth, but it could be a lie. You know like they say, "Actions speak louder than words." C.S. I asked her and she said yes, that best friends do, do everything together. Well we don't anymore. I don't think that is so much of the problem. I think that a person has one best friend, but then has several close friends, and then has regular friends, and then aquaintances (sp?). I like say me with Michelle (if it is still that), then Dana and Meghann as close friends, then say Rachel as a friend, then people like Brittany Stroud as an aquaintance. I guess thats part of it, that we believe diffrently on that one. Gee, I wonder what she does think about that one? C.S. I don't know. I'll keep trying I guess. But who knows what the future holds.
Well thats all I can really think of for now, I guess. But now that I've been sitting here for so long I can't move my legs, lol, so I better. C-ya later.
----------Erin
Modified Dec 2, 2001 12:13 AM EST
Well yeah the day after thanksgiving my neighbor's dog (an Akita we think), attacked our 2 little dogs (cinder and Kindle). Cinder was hurt really bad, and Kindle wasn't too bad. When we got them back that afternoon, Cinder had 3 drain tubes in here, plus more stiches. She needed tubes, because when a dog bites and pull away it pulls the muslce away, which forms pockets. And the tubes so the blood and other fluids could drain out. Which the 3 days later she got them out, but on thursday she had to get 2 of them put back in because it got infected, and I'm talking about she has huge holes in her. But I would say over all she has about 75-100 stiches. Now Kindle only had one bite. But still got stiches, only about 10 or so, but for 3 days she had a wrap around her waist and it looked like underwear which looked cute. They were both supposed to get their stiches out this tuesday (the 4th), but Kindle probably will, and Cinder may have some taken out but not all. But just from that 1st visit, the bill was $383 which my neighbor had to pay. But there is a chance that Cinder's skin could slab off (fall of in big pieces), and if that happens we have to take her back and they will treat her for something completely different. And which our neighbor will have to pay for that too. Anyways, with all that excitement, the day before (thanksgiving), I got a new dog (puppy). My other dogs found it apparently. My mom called all of our neighbors to see if it was their's. But one of them said someone had shot a dog, and left it in their driveway. Another neighbor said that they had seen a puppy wandering around. Which now its mine. We think its a golden retreiver. And since I'm the one that plays with it mainly I named it. I found it getting old calling the dog, for 2 days, by just saying "come here" or making those kissing noises. So I named him Graham, I looked it up in the dictionary and it said something like "wheat-something flour" and wheat is that brownish color so thats where it came from. Plus I just like the name Graham.
Anyways and new the other important stuff. I think things between Michelle and I are pretty much ending, one thing at a time. We never talk anymore. I swear she is always with Bekah, Shanna, or Tonya, or all three. And when I'm going to ask her if she wanted to come over or go do something, she has already planned something with either of them. I don't know when they planned these things. But all I know is that it never even gives me the chance to ask. TELL ME THIS, HOW CAN YOU DO SOMETHING WITH ONE PERSON WHEN THEY'VE ALREADY PLANNED SOMETHING WITH ANOTHER? First of all its rude to ask someone if they want to stay the night when they already have plans. Cause basically I feel likes its telling the other person that I don't like them (so they may think), or that I don't think that the other person is important enough, or that I think that she should be spending all of her time with me-not them. I don't want people to think that. If I want Michelle to stay the night with me, and she had planned to do something with someone else already, they generally feel obligated to invite me, which then makes me feel like a 3rd wheel or a tag along. Or hell just a plain out loser. Honestly Michelle and Dana are the only ones that completely know me. And I don't want Michelle asking either of the other three for advice about the problems that WE have. Cause they DO NOT know me well enough, to have good advice. If it were Dana giving the advice then it would be ok. But another thing about that she talks to other people about me, about things that I don't even know she feels. She won't tell me things, that I NEED to know. I tell her exactly how I feel about everything, so she can't say I don't tell her the "straight out truth." Cause I do, I know I do, cause why do you think more than half of my letters are either 2/3/4/ or 5 page letters. I tell her everything that I think or feel. I need her to tell me the "straight out truth." I don't know she just spends all of her time with other people now. It doesn't make me mad, but it does make me sad. Cause I don't want to be the outsider. And it finally hit me the other day, that they have been spending alot more time together than I thought. I swear they have like 25 different inside jokes. That I have no clue about. And inside joke is something between that person and another person. So if I knew what the inside jokes were, I wouldn't be able to get "involved in them," sure they may make sense but they would mean nearly as much to me as it does to them. I hope that makes some sense to you. Anyways. And well yeah we are both trying are best to make us work (i know I am but I think Michelle did, but gave up awhile ago). But what happens when both strive so hard but nothing comes from it? What does it mean? Does it mean to give up or keep trying till something happens? I have no clue. But I do know that I cry forever every night, cause I just feel pain. And its not the pain you feel when you're depressed. Cause I'm not depressed anymore. Maybe thats another thing, I am happy now, but Michelle has been able to see that. Shes always too busy. Its hard to show someone that your happy when you can't get the chance. Sure yeah I could say that and it be the truth, but it could be a lie. You know like they say, "Actions speak louder than words." C.S. I asked her and she said yes, that best friends do, do everything together. Well we don't anymore. I don't think that is so much of the problem. I think that a person has one best friend, but then has several close friends, and then has regular friends, and then aquaintances (sp?). I like say me with Michelle (if it is still that), then Dana and Meghann as close friends, then say Rachel as a friend, then people like Brittany Stroud as an aquaintance. I guess thats part of it, that we believe diffrently on that one. Gee, I wonder what she does think about that one? C.S. I don't know. I'll keep trying I guess. But who knows what the future holds.
Well thats all I can really think of for now, I guess. But now that I've been sitting here for so long I can't move my legs, lol, so I better. C-ya later.
----------Erin
Modified Dec 2, 2001 12:13 AM EST
