Thursday, June 20, 2002
Geez, ya know whats crazy I used to write in this journal all the time. But I have hardly even touched it in forever. I guess cause I've had a lot on my mind, and I partly don't want to make myself write, cause I always write a ton. Yeah a lot has been going on. Ok well I just realized that I haven't completed most of the story that had to do with the whole bi thing and Michelle, well needless to say I wrote her a letter a little after I posted on bolt about my feelings. And well I'm just going to paste a letter that I wrote to her last week, and it kind of explains alot.
Hey Michelle,
I know that you and Miranda don't understand how I could change my mind so quickly You know the last full day of school I was talking to Shanna and I was trying to explain about several of the decisions I made this year. And well I didn't get to finish because I had to ride the bus, but later that day I realized ya know all this stuff is in the past and there is nothing that I can change about that. I could explain to you all the reason of why we had problems this year, but I am not ever going to go into that unless, you want to know. Michelle it drives me crazy for us not to be on good terms. I know things can never be the same again. But with all of my heart I still hope. I want to apologize to you Michelle, for all of the stupid things that I've done this year. I promised you I would never hurt you, I did that. And I really want to apologize for always putting my problems on you, that wasn't fair to you, cause I would always vent to you, and that basically all I ever did. I really want to say that I honestly don't know what was up with me this year. And thats partly true. I have been really confused this year, I've tried to make decisions that I can't make. For the longest time, I've always told myself that I won't do things just to please other people. I lied to myself. Thats what I've been doing most of this year, always trying to make others happy, trying to make myself to where I thought was good enough for others standards, and in the long run it made me miserable. And as far as our friendship, I thought I was doing what was right, I thought I was making you happy, but I know I didn't. I was really selfish with us, I don't think I did it directly, but I was thinking about myself, I always enjoyed being in your company, and seeing you smile (now that I think about it, it was usually someone else making you smile, not me). It made me happy. And it helped me to be happy to vent, and you were always the one that I vented to. It really was not fair to burden you with my problems. I know you don't like people that are depressing or not fun to be around. For some reason I blocked that out. I'm really sorry. I really don't know what has become of me this year, I've become the total opposite of who I was last summer. Would you agree with me on that one? And to the main part. Shanna told me that you and Miranda don't understand how I could be so sure I was bi one second and the next not be, and that she also didn't understand. How can I say I don't know why I did that. We hardly spoke for 2 weeks, and when you finally did, I had been wanting to take everything back, hoping it might make things better. Ha, yeah that turned out great didn't it. Yeah another part of me this year, I have been lying to myself of who I really am, and at this point in my life, I happen to also like girls. And you know how I watch too much tv, well this episode of Once and Again, was about this girl Jesse and her best friend Katie (a lesbian, who has more than just friends feelings for Jesse), and Jesse finally excepts that she has feelings for Katie too. etc. etc. And I guess in my little messed up head, it became a little fantasy (geez that sounds disgusting). But also I look at it as looking for love in all the wrong places. In other words, you are one of the few people that has shown me what love is. So mixing the fantasy with that fixation of love, I guess what ended up me having a "crush" on you (wow that drives me crazy saying that). I may like girls, but what on earth possessed me to find "more than friend feelings" for you. I loved being just friends with you, and I was just fine until I watched that dumb episode. And look where we are now, we don't even speak (well before mainly, cause well now theres an excuse cause its summer). I guess basically what all of that adds up to, to help you understand of why I changed my mind so quickly is cause for some reason I thought it might make things better, which it obviously didn't. And because I did try to take it back, I feel like a complete liar and very condescending. Or in other words, it kills me cause I feel that you look at me with all the hate (or disliking) that you have towards Bekah. And I am not anything like Bekah, that is a part of the past that I choose not to explain about our friendship, but I'll but a part of in it for you. Most of the problems and dumb decisions that I made with our friendship somehow linked to her. There are so many different situations that I could tell you about to explain why, but right now, I just want you to understand that one point. Well did it help any? I really want to be on good terms with you. And I know and it hurts so much to know that nothing will or can ever be like it was. But I always try to keep hope, although I've lost it a couple of times, but I always try. I am really sorry for breaking all of those promises that I made to you, and I hope that you can forgive me one day. Well if you gotten this far in this letter I am happy that you didn't just delete it. But well if you want to write me back then please do, whenever you have the time, any time at all, and I realize this is very long, and I'm glad if you did read it all. And thanks for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
Erin
P.S.
If you still have questions feel free
and ask, cause this is all of I could
think of to answer for now.
AND THIS IS A LETTER I WROTE TO DANA AFTER I EMAILED MICHELLE AND AFTER I TALKED TO SHANNA. AND IT HELPED EXPLAIN SOME MORE OF MY ACTIONS THAT I TOOK.
Dana,
Ok well first I'm going to do the same thing with you that I did with Shanna, which is read an email I wrote to Michelle last week to help her understand, so maybe it will help you understand, if not you can still ask me questions. By the way its long.
And by the way Shanna asked me about something at the end, about me keeping hope thats about mine and Michelle's friendship not me hoping for anything more than that.
Well basically Shanna and I finally determined that me telling Michelle I had feelings for her was basically just that I have always loved being around her, and I hadn't been around her because Bekah screwed everything up, Shanna even said it herself that when she is told something a lot of times she begins to believe it. Anyways, we determined it that I did what I did because I missed her, and granted I could have told her that in a different way. Lol kind of reminds me of a part of a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie (Boys and Girls). Well the whole thing about me being bi, well Shanna told me what she thought, and I agreed with her, that I was looking for love anywhere. Lol and well yeah thats the honest to God truth, happens to be in all the wrong places. And yeah I still do feel very condescending and like a liar. I finally found actual words to explain the whole bi thing. Ok here it goes: I am looking for love or basically any attention to that effect in all the wrong places, and I am just open to different things. And let me tell you I am not lying about this, I've had alot of time to figure out my actions and thoughts. I didn't tell Shanna this, but if you have ever been in my room, you would know that I am obsessed with guys, I love guys. And honestly I know for a fact that if I could get a boyfriend then all of this crap would be gone, I'm just desperate (never been kissed, and haven't had bf since 8th grade). With all of my heart Dana the only reason I said I was bi is because I am open to different things (very different right?) and I guess I'm just the type of person that takes huge and stupid risks in order to be happy sometimes. Well I'm about done. But just to state it now, I am not and never will be a lesbian, and as for saying I'm bi, I don't want to say I am cause, its just one of those things where I want to see what its like (sounds absolutely disgusting to you and me) kind of like trying smoking. My perspective on life I guess is try everything atleast once. Which I really hope that I can get a boyfriend before I really end up experimenting with that. I wish I had talked to Shanna before I sent that email to Michelle, cause I could have answered some more stuff and put it in there. Yeah I'm pretty pissed at Shanna cause she went and told Erica Gartrell, and she just told her I was bi, and it was none of her business, she just told her "oh I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." She was going to go tell Megan Pankhurst, but she wasn't home. But yeah I'm pretty upset with her, but I'll get over it soon. Well anyways, I think I'm done now that I feel stupid and pathetic. Well if you have anything else to ask feel free to. Talk to you later---------------------Erin
YEAH WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY I FUCKED UP..... AGAIN. BUT WHO KNOWS IT COULD GET BETTER.
-----------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 1:33 AM EDT
Hey Michelle,
I know that you and Miranda don't understand how I could change my mind so quickly You know the last full day of school I was talking to Shanna and I was trying to explain about several of the decisions I made this year. And well I didn't get to finish because I had to ride the bus, but later that day I realized ya know all this stuff is in the past and there is nothing that I can change about that. I could explain to you all the reason of why we had problems this year, but I am not ever going to go into that unless, you want to know. Michelle it drives me crazy for us not to be on good terms. I know things can never be the same again. But with all of my heart I still hope. I want to apologize to you Michelle, for all of the stupid things that I've done this year. I promised you I would never hurt you, I did that. And I really want to apologize for always putting my problems on you, that wasn't fair to you, cause I would always vent to you, and that basically all I ever did. I really want to say that I honestly don't know what was up with me this year. And thats partly true. I have been really confused this year, I've tried to make decisions that I can't make. For the longest time, I've always told myself that I won't do things just to please other people. I lied to myself. Thats what I've been doing most of this year, always trying to make others happy, trying to make myself to where I thought was good enough for others standards, and in the long run it made me miserable. And as far as our friendship, I thought I was doing what was right, I thought I was making you happy, but I know I didn't. I was really selfish with us, I don't think I did it directly, but I was thinking about myself, I always enjoyed being in your company, and seeing you smile (now that I think about it, it was usually someone else making you smile, not me). It made me happy. And it helped me to be happy to vent, and you were always the one that I vented to. It really was not fair to burden you with my problems. I know you don't like people that are depressing or not fun to be around. For some reason I blocked that out. I'm really sorry. I really don't know what has become of me this year, I've become the total opposite of who I was last summer. Would you agree with me on that one? And to the main part. Shanna told me that you and Miranda don't understand how I could be so sure I was bi one second and the next not be, and that she also didn't understand. How can I say I don't know why I did that. We hardly spoke for 2 weeks, and when you finally did, I had been wanting to take everything back, hoping it might make things better. Ha, yeah that turned out great didn't it. Yeah another part of me this year, I have been lying to myself of who I really am, and at this point in my life, I happen to also like girls. And you know how I watch too much tv, well this episode of Once and Again, was about this girl Jesse and her best friend Katie (a lesbian, who has more than just friends feelings for Jesse), and Jesse finally excepts that she has feelings for Katie too. etc. etc. And I guess in my little messed up head, it became a little fantasy (geez that sounds disgusting). But also I look at it as looking for love in all the wrong places. In other words, you are one of the few people that has shown me what love is. So mixing the fantasy with that fixation of love, I guess what ended up me having a "crush" on you (wow that drives me crazy saying that). I may like girls, but what on earth possessed me to find "more than friend feelings" for you. I loved being just friends with you, and I was just fine until I watched that dumb episode. And look where we are now, we don't even speak (well before mainly, cause well now theres an excuse cause its summer). I guess basically what all of that adds up to, to help you understand of why I changed my mind so quickly is cause for some reason I thought it might make things better, which it obviously didn't. And because I did try to take it back, I feel like a complete liar and very condescending. Or in other words, it kills me cause I feel that you look at me with all the hate (or disliking) that you have towards Bekah. And I am not anything like Bekah, that is a part of the past that I choose not to explain about our friendship, but I'll but a part of in it for you. Most of the problems and dumb decisions that I made with our friendship somehow linked to her. There are so many different situations that I could tell you about to explain why, but right now, I just want you to understand that one point. Well did it help any? I really want to be on good terms with you. And I know and it hurts so much to know that nothing will or can ever be like it was. But I always try to keep hope, although I've lost it a couple of times, but I always try. I am really sorry for breaking all of those promises that I made to you, and I hope that you can forgive me one day. Well if you gotten this far in this letter I am happy that you didn't just delete it. But well if you want to write me back then please do, whenever you have the time, any time at all, and I realize this is very long, and I'm glad if you did read it all. And thanks for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
Erin
P.S.
If you still have questions feel free
and ask, cause this is all of I could
think of to answer for now.
AND THIS IS A LETTER I WROTE TO DANA AFTER I EMAILED MICHELLE AND AFTER I TALKED TO SHANNA. AND IT HELPED EXPLAIN SOME MORE OF MY ACTIONS THAT I TOOK.
Dana,
Ok well first I'm going to do the same thing with you that I did with Shanna, which is read an email I wrote to Michelle last week to help her understand, so maybe it will help you understand, if not you can still ask me questions. By the way its long.
And by the way Shanna asked me about something at the end, about me keeping hope thats about mine and Michelle's friendship not me hoping for anything more than that.
Well basically Shanna and I finally determined that me telling Michelle I had feelings for her was basically just that I have always loved being around her, and I hadn't been around her because Bekah screwed everything up, Shanna even said it herself that when she is told something a lot of times she begins to believe it. Anyways, we determined it that I did what I did because I missed her, and granted I could have told her that in a different way. Lol kind of reminds me of a part of a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie (Boys and Girls). Well the whole thing about me being bi, well Shanna told me what she thought, and I agreed with her, that I was looking for love anywhere. Lol and well yeah thats the honest to God truth, happens to be in all the wrong places. And yeah I still do feel very condescending and like a liar. I finally found actual words to explain the whole bi thing. Ok here it goes: I am looking for love or basically any attention to that effect in all the wrong places, and I am just open to different things. And let me tell you I am not lying about this, I've had alot of time to figure out my actions and thoughts. I didn't tell Shanna this, but if you have ever been in my room, you would know that I am obsessed with guys, I love guys. And honestly I know for a fact that if I could get a boyfriend then all of this crap would be gone, I'm just desperate (never been kissed, and haven't had bf since 8th grade). With all of my heart Dana the only reason I said I was bi is because I am open to different things (very different right?) and I guess I'm just the type of person that takes huge and stupid risks in order to be happy sometimes. Well I'm about done. But just to state it now, I am not and never will be a lesbian, and as for saying I'm bi, I don't want to say I am cause, its just one of those things where I want to see what its like (sounds absolutely disgusting to you and me) kind of like trying smoking. My perspective on life I guess is try everything atleast once. Which I really hope that I can get a boyfriend before I really end up experimenting with that. I wish I had talked to Shanna before I sent that email to Michelle, cause I could have answered some more stuff and put it in there. Yeah I'm pretty pissed at Shanna cause she went and told Erica Gartrell, and she just told her I was bi, and it was none of her business, she just told her "oh I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." She was going to go tell Megan Pankhurst, but she wasn't home. But yeah I'm pretty upset with her, but I'll get over it soon. Well anyways, I think I'm done now that I feel stupid and pathetic. Well if you have anything else to ask feel free to. Talk to you later---------------------Erin
YEAH WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY I FUCKED UP..... AGAIN. BUT WHO KNOWS IT COULD GET BETTER.
-----------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 1:33 AM EDT
Ok and for the present news. Well yeah I failed Algebra 2 Pre. AP, I passed all 3 of the six weeks, but I bombed the semester test (31), so it failed me for the semester. I was supposed to be taking summer school at Granbury for it, but I went there and then I found out that they weren't offering it anymore. So now I am going to try and do a credit by examination test things from Tech.
Well right now I am taking Government for HS and college credit at Hill, I need to study alot, I thought I knew it all pretty well, but I went to take my test and I couldn't remember crap. I keep forgeting alot of things lately. Especially important things.
I've been working alot at Oakdale, which is annoying as hell. I am like the only person that ever does anything there, I mean besides when our bosses tell us to do something. It really pisses me off, especially when they aren't busy and I come into work and they are just sitting there and the kitchen is nasty and they don't even remotely clean. Well Shannon is actually one of the better people in there. But yeah it makes me really tired cause I end up only having Mondays off (its always Mondays for some reason). And usually thats about it, but I also get tired cause I get really bored. I even started reading a book up there.
Well needless to say I'm trying to get on good terms with Michelle.
Well I have only told a few people. But I am definately going to transfer to Granbury this year so I can play soccer. Although it is scaring the shit out of me. But I've been here in GR since 1st grade, Dana graduated, Michelle and I most likely won't ever be on good terms, and they are the only reason why I was going to stay in GR. I really want to play softball but I can't play it if I go to Granbury. So yeah knowing that I am going to miss out on a lot of stuff with softball it kills me to even think about it. I don't know, I would have to say that the only reason I would stay is if Michelle and the whole softball team asked me to stay then I might. But so many things have been and are messed up so I don't even know if that would work. I feel as if I need a new beginning, start fresh. The girls I play soccer with are awesome, and are great friends, I know they wouldn't betray me. I never expected that they would actually want me to go to Granbury. But they have directly asked me and begged me to come to Granbury. They really like me for who I am. They want me to come to Granbury cause they know I want to, and because of that they are encouraging me to be with them. They make me feel good just by knowing that they want me to be with them. Both of my brothers say that I wouldn't like it since they went there. But I beg to differ, they only went to school in GR for possibly 4 or 5 years at the most, and they aren't in my position, so they wouldn't know. Anyways so yeah I'm definately planning on transferring.
Well I have gradually been getting a life of my own. I've been staying out a lot hanging out with Megan Pankhurst. Its pretty cool, that the first night I asked to hang out with her, mom said to be home by 12. But yeah also I partied with Jennifer Mitchell and Kelli Nix (and most of Armando's brothers and sisters) and some other people on saturday. I had a lot of fun, I haven't had that much fun in a very long time, and it was even better because I wasn't with my brothers, I was on my own. Kelli and Jen love me, there are very few people around my age that they like. But they really like me. Kelli and Armando both tell me that they think that I am badass and that I can come over whenever I want. I've hung out with Jen a couple of times at Prime Time (she works there), and I know now that they really do think I am cool, cause she told me when she was sober. And I also I really do know now, cause Jen has my phone number and the cell number. It makes me happy. Oh and its cool to know that the older girls from school that just graduated, like me. Like Lauren Groff (work with her, and we totally get along, and talk alot, well when we can atleast), and Kristen Beiler, and Allison Bruce and I are pretty cool (I work with her too) I think I got on her nerves the first day we worked together but I think she was just having a bad day cause since then we've been cool. I swear I really don't have any friends my age, but I find it kind of funny though.
Have I mentioned that I have like Jason Altobelli since last spring (or since we started planning for the Japan trip)? Well thats when I started to get to know him, and I really like him alot, and I got to know him even more during Japanese class than when we were in Japan. He is in my government class, and whenever I can I am checking him out. It was a little odd, on Monday at class we had our break and we decided to drive across the street to the gas station and get something to drink. And we went in my blazer, well Jason gets in and I totally didn't expect him to get in, but he did and I thought it was awesome. Pepe sat in the passenger seat, and Jason, Shanna and Sam(anthat) sat in the back seat, and Kassi Bruce sat in the very back. Anyways, well yeah just thought I tell you that.
The house is a mess. It has been since my post in May. Mom was having all the trim and stuff painted then. And she finally painted the living room and by the catwalk, etc. And I finally started to paint my bathroom (orange, grey, and black), the guys messed up my wall when they were painting the trim and doing the kaulking on it, So I had to do touch-ups on some of it, and mom is doing them on my red wall behind my computer, so my computer is in the middle of my room. I took down all of my guy collages to fill in all the staple holes, etc. and I repainted it. And I had been trying to finish the wall (3 more poster boards) but I haven't finished the collages cause on 2 of them I can't find the right size pictures to put in like maybe 5 spots, which makes me mad. But yeah my room is really disorderd. But so is downstairs, the couch is in the dining room.
Today I have been cleaning the blazer. I washed it, but due to all the contruction in GR it just got dusty again. I vaccumed to last night, and shampooed and vaccumed the carpet and mats today. And I mean in the crevices and all. I cleaned the windows inside and out, and I used armoral to clean all the plastic and rubber stuff. and when I was finally done I put some pina colada fragrance in it, which really smells like a plastic pina colada, but oh well the car looks really nice.
But well thats all for now later.-------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 2:46 AM EDT
Well right now I am taking Government for HS and college credit at Hill, I need to study alot, I thought I knew it all pretty well, but I went to take my test and I couldn't remember crap. I keep forgeting alot of things lately. Especially important things.
I've been working alot at Oakdale, which is annoying as hell. I am like the only person that ever does anything there, I mean besides when our bosses tell us to do something. It really pisses me off, especially when they aren't busy and I come into work and they are just sitting there and the kitchen is nasty and they don't even remotely clean. Well Shannon is actually one of the better people in there. But yeah it makes me really tired cause I end up only having Mondays off (its always Mondays for some reason). And usually thats about it, but I also get tired cause I get really bored. I even started reading a book up there.
Well needless to say I'm trying to get on good terms with Michelle.
Well I have only told a few people. But I am definately going to transfer to Granbury this year so I can play soccer. Although it is scaring the shit out of me. But I've been here in GR since 1st grade, Dana graduated, Michelle and I most likely won't ever be on good terms, and they are the only reason why I was going to stay in GR. I really want to play softball but I can't play it if I go to Granbury. So yeah knowing that I am going to miss out on a lot of stuff with softball it kills me to even think about it. I don't know, I would have to say that the only reason I would stay is if Michelle and the whole softball team asked me to stay then I might. But so many things have been and are messed up so I don't even know if that would work. I feel as if I need a new beginning, start fresh. The girls I play soccer with are awesome, and are great friends, I know they wouldn't betray me. I never expected that they would actually want me to go to Granbury. But they have directly asked me and begged me to come to Granbury. They really like me for who I am. They want me to come to Granbury cause they know I want to, and because of that they are encouraging me to be with them. They make me feel good just by knowing that they want me to be with them. Both of my brothers say that I wouldn't like it since they went there. But I beg to differ, they only went to school in GR for possibly 4 or 5 years at the most, and they aren't in my position, so they wouldn't know. Anyways so yeah I'm definately planning on transferring.
Well I have gradually been getting a life of my own. I've been staying out a lot hanging out with Megan Pankhurst. Its pretty cool, that the first night I asked to hang out with her, mom said to be home by 12. But yeah also I partied with Jennifer Mitchell and Kelli Nix (and most of Armando's brothers and sisters) and some other people on saturday. I had a lot of fun, I haven't had that much fun in a very long time, and it was even better because I wasn't with my brothers, I was on my own. Kelli and Jen love me, there are very few people around my age that they like. But they really like me. Kelli and Armando both tell me that they think that I am badass and that I can come over whenever I want. I've hung out with Jen a couple of times at Prime Time (she works there), and I know now that they really do think I am cool, cause she told me when she was sober. And I also I really do know now, cause Jen has my phone number and the cell number. It makes me happy. Oh and its cool to know that the older girls from school that just graduated, like me. Like Lauren Groff (work with her, and we totally get along, and talk alot, well when we can atleast), and Kristen Beiler, and Allison Bruce and I are pretty cool (I work with her too) I think I got on her nerves the first day we worked together but I think she was just having a bad day cause since then we've been cool. I swear I really don't have any friends my age, but I find it kind of funny though.
Have I mentioned that I have like Jason Altobelli since last spring (or since we started planning for the Japan trip)? Well thats when I started to get to know him, and I really like him alot, and I got to know him even more during Japanese class than when we were in Japan. He is in my government class, and whenever I can I am checking him out. It was a little odd, on Monday at class we had our break and we decided to drive across the street to the gas station and get something to drink. And we went in my blazer, well Jason gets in and I totally didn't expect him to get in, but he did and I thought it was awesome. Pepe sat in the passenger seat, and Jason, Shanna and Sam(anthat) sat in the back seat, and Kassi Bruce sat in the very back. Anyways, well yeah just thought I tell you that.
The house is a mess. It has been since my post in May. Mom was having all the trim and stuff painted then. And she finally painted the living room and by the catwalk, etc. And I finally started to paint my bathroom (orange, grey, and black), the guys messed up my wall when they were painting the trim and doing the kaulking on it, So I had to do touch-ups on some of it, and mom is doing them on my red wall behind my computer, so my computer is in the middle of my room. I took down all of my guy collages to fill in all the staple holes, etc. and I repainted it. And I had been trying to finish the wall (3 more poster boards) but I haven't finished the collages cause on 2 of them I can't find the right size pictures to put in like maybe 5 spots, which makes me mad. But yeah my room is really disorderd. But so is downstairs, the couch is in the dining room.
Today I have been cleaning the blazer. I washed it, but due to all the contruction in GR it just got dusty again. I vaccumed to last night, and shampooed and vaccumed the carpet and mats today. And I mean in the crevices and all. I cleaned the windows inside and out, and I used armoral to clean all the plastic and rubber stuff. and when I was finally done I put some pina colada fragrance in it, which really smells like a plastic pina colada, but oh well the car looks really nice.
But well thats all for now later.-------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 2:46 AM EDT
