Thursday, June 20, 2002
Geez, ya know whats crazy I used to write in this journal all the time. But I have hardly even touched it in forever. I guess cause I've had a lot on my mind, and I partly don't want to make myself write, cause I always write a ton. Yeah a lot has been going on. Ok well I just realized that I haven't completed most of the story that had to do with the whole bi thing and Michelle, well needless to say I wrote her a letter a little after I posted on bolt about my feelings. And well I'm just going to paste a letter that I wrote to her last week, and it kind of explains alot.
Hey Michelle,
I know that you and Miranda don't understand how I could change my mind so quickly You know the last full day of school I was talking to Shanna and I was trying to explain about several of the decisions I made this year. And well I didn't get to finish because I had to ride the bus, but later that day I realized ya know all this stuff is in the past and there is nothing that I can change about that. I could explain to you all the reason of why we had problems this year, but I am not ever going to go into that unless, you want to know. Michelle it drives me crazy for us not to be on good terms. I know things can never be the same again. But with all of my heart I still hope. I want to apologize to you Michelle, for all of the stupid things that I've done this year. I promised you I would never hurt you, I did that. And I really want to apologize for always putting my problems on you, that wasn't fair to you, cause I would always vent to you, and that basically all I ever did. I really want to say that I honestly don't know what was up with me this year. And thats partly true. I have been really confused this year, I've tried to make decisions that I can't make. For the longest time, I've always told myself that I won't do things just to please other people. I lied to myself. Thats what I've been doing most of this year, always trying to make others happy, trying to make myself to where I thought was good enough for others standards, and in the long run it made me miserable. And as far as our friendship, I thought I was doing what was right, I thought I was making you happy, but I know I didn't. I was really selfish with us, I don't think I did it directly, but I was thinking about myself, I always enjoyed being in your company, and seeing you smile (now that I think about it, it was usually someone else making you smile, not me). It made me happy. And it helped me to be happy to vent, and you were always the one that I vented to. It really was not fair to burden you with my problems. I know you don't like people that are depressing or not fun to be around. For some reason I blocked that out. I'm really sorry. I really don't know what has become of me this year, I've become the total opposite of who I was last summer. Would you agree with me on that one? And to the main part. Shanna told me that you and Miranda don't understand how I could be so sure I was bi one second and the next not be, and that she also didn't understand. How can I say I don't know why I did that. We hardly spoke for 2 weeks, and when you finally did, I had been wanting to take everything back, hoping it might make things better. Ha, yeah that turned out great didn't it. Yeah another part of me this year, I have been lying to myself of who I really am, and at this point in my life, I happen to also like girls. And you know how I watch too much tv, well this episode of Once and Again, was about this girl Jesse and her best friend Katie (a lesbian, who has more than just friends feelings for Jesse), and Jesse finally excepts that she has feelings for Katie too. etc. etc. And I guess in my little messed up head, it became a little fantasy (geez that sounds disgusting). But also I look at it as looking for love in all the wrong places. In other words, you are one of the few people that has shown me what love is. So mixing the fantasy with that fixation of love, I guess what ended up me having a "crush" on you (wow that drives me crazy saying that). I may like girls, but what on earth possessed me to find "more than friend feelings" for you. I loved being just friends with you, and I was just fine until I watched that dumb episode. And look where we are now, we don't even speak (well before mainly, cause well now theres an excuse cause its summer). I guess basically what all of that adds up to, to help you understand of why I changed my mind so quickly is cause for some reason I thought it might make things better, which it obviously didn't. And because I did try to take it back, I feel like a complete liar and very condescending. Or in other words, it kills me cause I feel that you look at me with all the hate (or disliking) that you have towards Bekah. And I am not anything like Bekah, that is a part of the past that I choose not to explain about our friendship, but I'll but a part of in it for you. Most of the problems and dumb decisions that I made with our friendship somehow linked to her. There are so many different situations that I could tell you about to explain why, but right now, I just want you to understand that one point. Well did it help any? I really want to be on good terms with you. And I know and it hurts so much to know that nothing will or can ever be like it was. But I always try to keep hope, although I've lost it a couple of times, but I always try. I am really sorry for breaking all of those promises that I made to you, and I hope that you can forgive me one day. Well if you gotten this far in this letter I am happy that you didn't just delete it. But well if you want to write me back then please do, whenever you have the time, any time at all, and I realize this is very long, and I'm glad if you did read it all. And thanks for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
Erin
P.S.
If you still have questions feel free
and ask, cause this is all of I could
think of to answer for now.
AND THIS IS A LETTER I WROTE TO DANA AFTER I EMAILED MICHELLE AND AFTER I TALKED TO SHANNA. AND IT HELPED EXPLAIN SOME MORE OF MY ACTIONS THAT I TOOK.
Dana,
Ok well first I'm going to do the same thing with you that I did with Shanna, which is read an email I wrote to Michelle last week to help her understand, so maybe it will help you understand, if not you can still ask me questions. By the way its long.
And by the way Shanna asked me about something at the end, about me keeping hope thats about mine and Michelle's friendship not me hoping for anything more than that.
Well basically Shanna and I finally determined that me telling Michelle I had feelings for her was basically just that I have always loved being around her, and I hadn't been around her because Bekah screwed everything up, Shanna even said it herself that when she is told something a lot of times she begins to believe it. Anyways, we determined it that I did what I did because I missed her, and granted I could have told her that in a different way. Lol kind of reminds me of a part of a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie (Boys and Girls). Well the whole thing about me being bi, well Shanna told me what she thought, and I agreed with her, that I was looking for love anywhere. Lol and well yeah thats the honest to God truth, happens to be in all the wrong places. And yeah I still do feel very condescending and like a liar. I finally found actual words to explain the whole bi thing. Ok here it goes: I am looking for love or basically any attention to that effect in all the wrong places, and I am just open to different things. And let me tell you I am not lying about this, I've had alot of time to figure out my actions and thoughts. I didn't tell Shanna this, but if you have ever been in my room, you would know that I am obsessed with guys, I love guys. And honestly I know for a fact that if I could get a boyfriend then all of this crap would be gone, I'm just desperate (never been kissed, and haven't had bf since 8th grade). With all of my heart Dana the only reason I said I was bi is because I am open to different things (very different right?) and I guess I'm just the type of person that takes huge and stupid risks in order to be happy sometimes. Well I'm about done. But just to state it now, I am not and never will be a lesbian, and as for saying I'm bi, I don't want to say I am cause, its just one of those things where I want to see what its like (sounds absolutely disgusting to you and me) kind of like trying smoking. My perspective on life I guess is try everything atleast once. Which I really hope that I can get a boyfriend before I really end up experimenting with that. I wish I had talked to Shanna before I sent that email to Michelle, cause I could have answered some more stuff and put it in there. Yeah I'm pretty pissed at Shanna cause she went and told Erica Gartrell, and she just told her I was bi, and it was none of her business, she just told her "oh I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." She was going to go tell Megan Pankhurst, but she wasn't home. But yeah I'm pretty upset with her, but I'll get over it soon. Well anyways, I think I'm done now that I feel stupid and pathetic. Well if you have anything else to ask feel free to. Talk to you later---------------------Erin
YEAH WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY I FUCKED UP..... AGAIN. BUT WHO KNOWS IT COULD GET BETTER.
-----------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 1:33 AM EDT
Hey Michelle,
I know that you and Miranda don't understand how I could change my mind so quickly You know the last full day of school I was talking to Shanna and I was trying to explain about several of the decisions I made this year. And well I didn't get to finish because I had to ride the bus, but later that day I realized ya know all this stuff is in the past and there is nothing that I can change about that. I could explain to you all the reason of why we had problems this year, but I am not ever going to go into that unless, you want to know. Michelle it drives me crazy for us not to be on good terms. I know things can never be the same again. But with all of my heart I still hope. I want to apologize to you Michelle, for all of the stupid things that I've done this year. I promised you I would never hurt you, I did that. And I really want to apologize for always putting my problems on you, that wasn't fair to you, cause I would always vent to you, and that basically all I ever did. I really want to say that I honestly don't know what was up with me this year. And thats partly true. I have been really confused this year, I've tried to make decisions that I can't make. For the longest time, I've always told myself that I won't do things just to please other people. I lied to myself. Thats what I've been doing most of this year, always trying to make others happy, trying to make myself to where I thought was good enough for others standards, and in the long run it made me miserable. And as far as our friendship, I thought I was doing what was right, I thought I was making you happy, but I know I didn't. I was really selfish with us, I don't think I did it directly, but I was thinking about myself, I always enjoyed being in your company, and seeing you smile (now that I think about it, it was usually someone else making you smile, not me). It made me happy. And it helped me to be happy to vent, and you were always the one that I vented to. It really was not fair to burden you with my problems. I know you don't like people that are depressing or not fun to be around. For some reason I blocked that out. I'm really sorry. I really don't know what has become of me this year, I've become the total opposite of who I was last summer. Would you agree with me on that one? And to the main part. Shanna told me that you and Miranda don't understand how I could be so sure I was bi one second and the next not be, and that she also didn't understand. How can I say I don't know why I did that. We hardly spoke for 2 weeks, and when you finally did, I had been wanting to take everything back, hoping it might make things better. Ha, yeah that turned out great didn't it. Yeah another part of me this year, I have been lying to myself of who I really am, and at this point in my life, I happen to also like girls. And you know how I watch too much tv, well this episode of Once and Again, was about this girl Jesse and her best friend Katie (a lesbian, who has more than just friends feelings for Jesse), and Jesse finally excepts that she has feelings for Katie too. etc. etc. And I guess in my little messed up head, it became a little fantasy (geez that sounds disgusting). But also I look at it as looking for love in all the wrong places. In other words, you are one of the few people that has shown me what love is. So mixing the fantasy with that fixation of love, I guess what ended up me having a "crush" on you (wow that drives me crazy saying that). I may like girls, but what on earth possessed me to find "more than friend feelings" for you. I loved being just friends with you, and I was just fine until I watched that dumb episode. And look where we are now, we don't even speak (well before mainly, cause well now theres an excuse cause its summer). I guess basically what all of that adds up to, to help you understand of why I changed my mind so quickly is cause for some reason I thought it might make things better, which it obviously didn't. And because I did try to take it back, I feel like a complete liar and very condescending. Or in other words, it kills me cause I feel that you look at me with all the hate (or disliking) that you have towards Bekah. And I am not anything like Bekah, that is a part of the past that I choose not to explain about our friendship, but I'll but a part of in it for you. Most of the problems and dumb decisions that I made with our friendship somehow linked to her. There are so many different situations that I could tell you about to explain why, but right now, I just want you to understand that one point. Well did it help any? I really want to be on good terms with you. And I know and it hurts so much to know that nothing will or can ever be like it was. But I always try to keep hope, although I've lost it a couple of times, but I always try. I am really sorry for breaking all of those promises that I made to you, and I hope that you can forgive me one day. Well if you gotten this far in this letter I am happy that you didn't just delete it. But well if you want to write me back then please do, whenever you have the time, any time at all, and I realize this is very long, and I'm glad if you did read it all. And thanks for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
Erin
P.S.
If you still have questions feel free
and ask, cause this is all of I could
think of to answer for now.
AND THIS IS A LETTER I WROTE TO DANA AFTER I EMAILED MICHELLE AND AFTER I TALKED TO SHANNA. AND IT HELPED EXPLAIN SOME MORE OF MY ACTIONS THAT I TOOK.
Dana,
Ok well first I'm going to do the same thing with you that I did with Shanna, which is read an email I wrote to Michelle last week to help her understand, so maybe it will help you understand, if not you can still ask me questions. By the way its long.
And by the way Shanna asked me about something at the end, about me keeping hope thats about mine and Michelle's friendship not me hoping for anything more than that.
Well basically Shanna and I finally determined that me telling Michelle I had feelings for her was basically just that I have always loved being around her, and I hadn't been around her because Bekah screwed everything up, Shanna even said it herself that when she is told something a lot of times she begins to believe it. Anyways, we determined it that I did what I did because I missed her, and granted I could have told her that in a different way. Lol kind of reminds me of a part of a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie (Boys and Girls). Well the whole thing about me being bi, well Shanna told me what she thought, and I agreed with her, that I was looking for love anywhere. Lol and well yeah thats the honest to God truth, happens to be in all the wrong places. And yeah I still do feel very condescending and like a liar. I finally found actual words to explain the whole bi thing. Ok here it goes: I am looking for love or basically any attention to that effect in all the wrong places, and I am just open to different things. And let me tell you I am not lying about this, I've had alot of time to figure out my actions and thoughts. I didn't tell Shanna this, but if you have ever been in my room, you would know that I am obsessed with guys, I love guys. And honestly I know for a fact that if I could get a boyfriend then all of this crap would be gone, I'm just desperate (never been kissed, and haven't had bf since 8th grade). With all of my heart Dana the only reason I said I was bi is because I am open to different things (very different right?) and I guess I'm just the type of person that takes huge and stupid risks in order to be happy sometimes. Well I'm about done. But just to state it now, I am not and never will be a lesbian, and as for saying I'm bi, I don't want to say I am cause, its just one of those things where I want to see what its like (sounds absolutely disgusting to you and me) kind of like trying smoking. My perspective on life I guess is try everything atleast once. Which I really hope that I can get a boyfriend before I really end up experimenting with that. I wish I had talked to Shanna before I sent that email to Michelle, cause I could have answered some more stuff and put it in there. Yeah I'm pretty pissed at Shanna cause she went and told Erica Gartrell, and she just told her I was bi, and it was none of her business, she just told her "oh I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." She was going to go tell Megan Pankhurst, but she wasn't home. But yeah I'm pretty upset with her, but I'll get over it soon. Well anyways, I think I'm done now that I feel stupid and pathetic. Well if you have anything else to ask feel free to. Talk to you later---------------------Erin
YEAH WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY I FUCKED UP..... AGAIN. BUT WHO KNOWS IT COULD GET BETTER.
-----------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 1:33 AM EDT
