Desperately Seeking Truth

I'm really sad right now. I just wish I could have someone to just simply hold me. So I could just feel that warm embrace. Yeah you know what I'm sad about. Michelle. I really don't know what to do, ot what to say to make things better. I think shes given up. Yeah I really do know she tries and I know shes always tried her hardest to make me happy and make things work. I really DO know that, and I don't think I could ever express in words how much that means to me. And another thing I know she thinks or feels should I say. Is that she thinks that I feel that I don't want her to have any other friends but me, which totally isn't true. I have told her before that I happy she has other friends, and I'm glad she spends time with them. I know I have told her that but I guess she just doesn't believe it. And another thing I know she doesn't trust me anymore. And what has she always said about a friendship? That trust is the most important thing. But I don't really think I betrayed her in any way. All I know is that I have been extremely depressed (I don't think there is any words to really explain how badly I was depressed), for a long time. And she always tried her hardest to make me happy. But when you've been depresed for so long you just can't really feel any emotions but bad ones. So I didn't feel like being happy. And yeah I know by the stages I went through during my depression that I did alot of things, which I know several hurt her. But I seriously couldn't control what I did. My emotions controlled me, I became heartless, and I guess I wanted some one to know what pain I was going through, so I told her about my problems. And thats another thing she doesn't like being around people that aren't happy. And from my perspective, I know it seems as if I only want her to me with me and no one else. But you see this summer, I only spent time with her and Dana, generally I was with one, when the other was busy. And then once we were in school, Michelle, Dana, and Miranda, and I had volleyball together, which so we spent time together. And now that v-ball is over. Michelle well she had to work for awhile, but now she doesn't work anymore. So she was busy with that for awhile. And now the only thing I can think of that shes busy with is homework, church, and family. Sorry left out a part. I want to spend time with her, but its as if she is always busy. And well since all of the above are the only reasons I could think of that she would be busy. But anyways. Yeah Michelle and Miranda, have had Bekah and Shanna over alot the last couple of weeks. And I sit here and think, did I disappear or what. And when I worked so hard to get back from my soccer tournament in San Angelo to get to her b-day party (I didn't even go home and get shoes, got them muddy before a game). While I was there I felt so alone. Which is weird cause there were like 7 other people there. But I swear they have so many inside jokes (way more than they realize). And yeah I could come to understand most of them. But an inside joke is something (a funny understanding I guess you could say), between two people (or how ever many people were there when it happened). My point is, is that it doesn't mean near as much to me as it does to them, cause I wasn't there when it happened. Anyways, so yeah I did feel left out. But I did have fun though. Cause even being in the mere presence of Michelle makes me happy. C.S. I don't know, I do feel really left out and stuff, since I wasn't there like all those weekends with them, when Michelle was busy. Sorry just a little frustration coming out there at the end. But Michelle says that I'm welcome to come along anytime. But its like if shes already planned something with someone else, then it feels like I'm a third wheel or a tag along. Or even so, it feels like I'm inviting myself. Which I find to be rude in doing so, even if they say its not rude, I still feel that way. I don't like to barge in on other people's business (or plans). And yeah I have baskteball practice till about 6:00 everyday except on game days, but I'm home the rest of the night, I stay off the internet (and I make sure no one else gets on either), till after 10:00 cause Michelle can't call me after 10:00. But I'm not really busy with basketball I haven't been able to play for like 3 weeks, so I was definately free then. I'm never really busy, and if she wanted to do something with me or plan something with someone else but including me at the same time rather than later (if its later thats when I feel like a tag along), I will do something to make time for her. Cause after all a sport isn't as important as a bast friend. Another thing, is she needs to tell me everything she tells other people, because I don't know about what she really feels about things. I need the straight out truth. And as much as she says I don't, I do tell her everything, and I mean everything. I mean why else would my letter be 2/3/4/or 5 page long letters, I literally tell her everything. And also this diary is another way. I know she wants to talk, but she doesn't want to have a serious conversation. Or if she does have a serious conversation she doesn't want to start it. Well hey I'll start it, when ever shes ready. And yeah other times shes tried to have a serious conversation, I didn't say much. Its because one I didn't have much notice to think about what I would clearly say. Cause I seriously mean it if I don't have time to sort my words out and make them clear, then either she wouldn't understand it or it would make things worse than they already were. Well so thats that. And I'm going to go ahead and add this little bit. I am happy, and I haven't been happy for a very very long time. I really am, I'm not just saying that. And I've wanted to share that with her for the last couple of weeks, and I wanted to show her. But I don't know, with Bekah or Shanna around it makes it a little difficult. Also, whenever I've wanted to show her she had already had plans, so well I failed at that attempt. So thats part of it. And no I don't have anything against Bekah or Shanna, I just don't know them near as well as Michelle, and little by little I'm learning to trust them. Everything takes time, but things eventually come around. So I don't hate them, I just get a little nervous sharing things around them. And I hope that she can understand I don't mind at all that shes friends with other people, I think its great, I really do. Well I hope she understands by reading this why it seems that I don't want her having other friends. And just one more thing, I lost all of my friends my freshman year, and I had her to keep me going. And now I have been able to get several of of my old close friends back, so yeah I'm getting happier, I have other friends as well. But I don't know like I said in my last entry, I believe a person has one best friend, and several close friends. And I still want her to be my best friend, even though she may not want me as a best friend, anything at all is good with her. I just don't want to become a nothing to her. But well I think I've said everything I can think of now, and my hands hurt from typing so much, so now I'm going to go, byebye.
--------Erin

Modified Dec 4, 2001 10:38 PM EST