Monday, July 30, 2001
Hmm... Well I think today for the most part sucked. I didn't go to church this morning, I didn't feel like it. I set my alarm and everything, but I just didn't feel like going to I stayed home and slept, well as much as I could. Well Finally after laying in bed for awhile (after I woke up), I decided to get up and take a shower cause I was going to get my mom to take me to Subway cause I knew Dana was working. So well once I took a shower and got dressed and everything. I went down stairs to ask mom if she would take me in a couple of minutes. So well to my surprise and pissed me off, mom and B were eating Subway. So I was like well will you still take me. And she said she was going in town in about an hour to do micro at the hospital. So well I go up and watch a little tv, lol one of Chuck Norris' advertisments for one of those exercise things. So finally mom is ready to go, so she takes me up there and it was almost 2:00 by then. Oh yeah before I forget Michelle finally called when I was getting ready to go to Subway. Well she didn't really have much to say, but yeah that conversation had an abrubt end, when she had a beep, and she was like oh that must be Amanda so I'll talk to you later. Well Amanda had invited her to go to church with her that night. So she was like I'll see you there. I don't know I went to Subway and hung out with Dana till she got off, which was at 6:00, and well church starts at 6:00, and I had decided like 2 hours before that I wasn't going to go to church, but possibly the SNAC. So well after Dana got off work we went to Level's and bought random stuff. But yeah but she had to be home at 6:30 so she had to hurry up and get me home, lol she had 5 minutes. But yeah when I got home I found something else to change into, which I'm glad I did, I'll tell later why I did. Yeah I tried to show up late, but that didn't work cause church got out late, so I got screwed with that situation. But yeah I walked into the big room, and talked to Meghann for a little bit, cause I knew she wasn't going to stay for the SNAC. So yeah while I was talking to her, Amanda comes up behind me, and like always wraps her arms around my neck, and she was like I'm dizzy. So I of course asked why, and she said cause Michelle was tapping on her head randomly. Which she came over and did seconds later. Well yeah she gave me two letters, cause she said she was going to write me while she was in Georgia, and that was in an envelope, which also had a key chain in it that she got me. And then the other was on a piece of note pad paper. And of course that was written after she checked her email. So yeah, she pretty much told me flat out to read that then, cause I was putting both in my back pocket cause I didn't feel like reading it then. But yeah I read the small one, which she wanted me to read. And of course in my email I told her that I needed to talk to her about some stuff in person. So well yeah that was what it said basically that she agreed. But yeah we all basically hung out, I mainly just watched them play sand volleyball, and talked to Rene and them. So I didn't really talk much to Michelle or Amanda during that time period. Well yeah I was over there talking to Rene and I was going to get my sandals cause I took them off cause I was walking in the sand. And Michelle was like so do you want to talk now or later? I was just like whatever, I don't really care. So she was like uhh.. ok. So she grabbed her shoes and put them back on and we went and sat on the curb. And well like I knew was going to freaking happen, I couldn't really say anything. I don't know if its cause I didn't feel like talking about it, or cause there was other people close by, or just the fact that I wasn't ready. I don't know yeah there were somethings that I needed to talk about but for some reason I just couldn't get it out. Like well for one, I wonder what she thinks of all the things that I write in this jouranl, I mean like the deep down secrets. I need to know how she feels about them, and what she thinks too. And she called me before she left to go to Georgia, and told me some stuff, that I really just want her to say to my face so I can know that she really meant them. But I don't really think she remembers what she said. She had just gotten back from that MADD camp, and she said she was in a session that was about helping friends in need. And that the guy started talking about suicide. And that she thoughts of me, cause well I let her read this diary so she knew about my thoughts. And when she called me, she said that she doesn't know what she would do if I wasn't here, or something to that fact atleast. And she told me not to do it of course. But I'm just wondering was it just one of those camp highs, and stuff she learned she decided to use on me, or if she really meant what she said. And yeah I feel bad cause I lied to her today, she asked if I had still thought about it and I told her no. BIG LIE!!! I think about it everyday, its just something that I do, going along with purposely hurting myself. FYI cutting myself like I have before. I don't think theres ever a day that it doesn't cross my mind, and really I have other things that cross my mind everyday, but thats the only well dangerous one I guess you would say. The only thing that I really ever frequently think about is questioning my sexuality, which I don't know why I do it, its just something that comes up in my mind. Yet I always come to the same conclusion that I'm straight, but yet I still question. I don't know go figure. But yeah Michelle said something in that letter wasn't a big deal, something that she wrote in a survey. And GEEZ she said its not a big deal, FYI Michelle I know best of all, that it is a big deal, think about it, and what you say to me. I don't know why its not a big deal, I mean if you were depressed or sad, or if you we're just seeing what it would do for fun. I don't know, you tell me, I can't answer it, only you can. But yeah I also well really I just want to really know what she thinks of my and my thoughts and secrets and basically only she knows. So yeah I guess thats really it, and I'm so pissed that I couldn't get it out earlier today, and I mean look at me its 3:30 in the morning, I haven't been able to sleep this last week, and still I can't, I seem to do that when things are really bothering me. Go figure.
But uhh... then we had the Bible study with Rachel, and then we prayed and cleaned up all the trash, and put up the toys we had out, then I was going to call my mom for her to pick me up and Michelle was like hey I'll just take you home. And I was just like ok, sure. But we took the back way cause she was catching up to "Mr. Bill" (a.k.a. Amanda's dad Bill), so finally we catch up and she flashes her brights, and they pull over and we stop, and we asked what we were doing and Michelle just said playing with you. So yeah he told us to be safe, and we left, and she brought me mom, and came in to use the mirror. Oh by the way its not smart to play catch with your keys. She tossed em' to me and I caught them. And she went forward and I tossed them to her, and she uhh.. didn't catch them, they reflected off her hand and nailed her in the head. And cut her right below her eyebrow, and right below her eye, so uhh... yeah wasn't smart. Well yeah she came in and check out her eye. But she couldn't stay long she said so she hurried on out the door and she said she works tomorrow night, and tuesday morning, so maybe we can get together tuesday night and do something. Well then I said oh ok thats cool, so then she left.
And I've tried to watch tv, nothing on, on Sunday nights. And then at like midnight I went outside and sat on the cement part of our driveway and wrote a poem. I think that one is kind of dumb, but I don't maybe its not. Go figure. So then I came back in around 1:00 cause I was tired of just sitting there after I was done. So then well I've been washing clothes, two loads which the 2nd is almost done washing. And I have been trying to find something to do, so I finally decided to come down here and type. SO well here I am still being bummed out and a stupid mosquito (sp?) is flying around me and its bugging the crap out of me, so I'm going to go now. ByeBye
-------Erin
Modified Jul 30, 2001 4:42 AM EDT
But uhh... then we had the Bible study with Rachel, and then we prayed and cleaned up all the trash, and put up the toys we had out, then I was going to call my mom for her to pick me up and Michelle was like hey I'll just take you home. And I was just like ok, sure. But we took the back way cause she was catching up to "Mr. Bill" (a.k.a. Amanda's dad Bill), so finally we catch up and she flashes her brights, and they pull over and we stop, and we asked what we were doing and Michelle just said playing with you. So yeah he told us to be safe, and we left, and she brought me mom, and came in to use the mirror. Oh by the way its not smart to play catch with your keys. She tossed em' to me and I caught them. And she went forward and I tossed them to her, and she uhh.. didn't catch them, they reflected off her hand and nailed her in the head. And cut her right below her eyebrow, and right below her eye, so uhh... yeah wasn't smart. Well yeah she came in and check out her eye. But she couldn't stay long she said so she hurried on out the door and she said she works tomorrow night, and tuesday morning, so maybe we can get together tuesday night and do something. Well then I said oh ok thats cool, so then she left.
And I've tried to watch tv, nothing on, on Sunday nights. And then at like midnight I went outside and sat on the cement part of our driveway and wrote a poem. I think that one is kind of dumb, but I don't maybe its not. Go figure. So then I came back in around 1:00 cause I was tired of just sitting there after I was done. So then well I've been washing clothes, two loads which the 2nd is almost done washing. And I have been trying to find something to do, so I finally decided to come down here and type. SO well here I am still being bummed out and a stupid mosquito (sp?) is flying around me and its bugging the crap out of me, so I'm going to go now. ByeBye
-------Erin
Modified Jul 30, 2001 4:42 AM EDT
