Wednesday, July 11, 2001
Well sometimes it amazes me how things can be so great one moment and the next its screwed up. And frankly I'm so sick of it, it pisses me off so much. You know the one time I'm happy for atleast a little bit, something just has to come up and screw it up. Well yeah I have felt this way since my last entry, I was really happy about me and Amanda, and then well then the next afternoon, I get a phone call, and who else can it be but Michelle. And there she was thanking me for my email to Amanda, and I kind of went whoa, what are you talking about. She had said that Amanda emailed her and apolgized and everything and she was so shocked and so on. But then she said that later she called Amanda and was talking to her and she said I got your email, and then she asked why did you do that? Amanda then told her well Erin sent me this really long letter and I guess she inspired me (now let me tell you theres lots of inspiration apparently). Which after she told me that, it kind of pissed me off. Now don't get me wrong or anything, its a good thing that Amanda apologized to her. But well anyways that just kind of dropped my self esteem. Well then I guess it was saturday I went with Michelle and her brother Chris to go bowling in Cleburne. And afterwards we went back to their house cause I had to read her new poem, and some poems her friend from Louisiana wrote her. And well first before I did all that she showed me the email that Amanda wrote to her (she printed it out after she received it). And well I don't think it showed but it really really pissed me off. Why am I always the one to try so hard, and then get the short end of the stick. I got screwed. Yeah I may have gotten an apology but Michelle's was like alot different than mine. Which I'm mainly pissed cause Michelle has only known Amanda for like almost 3 years now, I'm known Amanda and been friends with her for almost 10 now (since 1st grade). I guess really I think Amanda was just trying to make me feel better by saying that, cause I really feel like it is a fake apology in a way. So well basically once again my hopes were lifted and dropped, and landed with a dull thud. While Michelle is this big happy camper. Geez I am so sick and tired of getting screwed over. I tried so hard to get Amanda back and I apparently failed, cause all I did with my like 3 page email, was helping other people. First I inspired Amanda to apologize to Michelle. Then with that Michelle got inspired to apologize to someone back in Louisiana. Oh I am so glad that I inspired everyone, and yeah ha I feel absolutely nothing, and frankly the truth I feel like shit. Mainly cause I strive so hard for things, and all my effort goes to get it, and then I end up getting nothing in return. Oh yeah and I went to church Sunday morning, and went to Sunday school. All hoping that Amanda would talk to me. At first I sat right behind her, then I sat one seat away from her, Stormy was sitting in between us. Well that didn't do any good at all. Well then I hung around after church hoping to catch her, cause I wanted to talk to her. But well I didn't get her, her and BJ left to go get her stuff. And well I was very diappointed cause I really wanted to talk to her. And well for the rest to the week she will be in San Antonio with the rest of the youth. So that means I'll have to wait all till sunday again. And yeah Michelle called her, but I'm not much for phones, I would chicken out or be stupid and just sit there and not say anything, so thats why I really want to talk in person. So well yeah its only Tuesday and I have 5 more days to go.
Well yeah I must say I got really pissed off, nothing is as painful as having hopes and the having them appear as absolutely pointless. And well yeah I was happy for one day and actually slept good that night, I haven't done that in a very long time, but hey whats the point of that I can't sleep now, or you know be happy, well hell I guess I'm just back to my normal self again. And you maybe wondering what do you mean by that? Hmm... lets see, questioning everything. Including my sexuality, yes I did say that, I've been questioning that for a while now. Another, I'm back to thinking of suicide again, its whether think of suicide or I think about cutting my self again. Oh yeah I've been drinking, lets see before I got that email (a week or two before) that is when my mom was out of town, and I went with my brother to one of his friends house and I drank 5 smirnoffs. Cause well hey if I have the oppotunity I take it. And lets see I got Amanda's email July 2nd, and I found out about her email to Michelle the 3rd. The 5th I went again and drank 3 smirnoffs, and well I sure as hell have the opportunity to smoke, I have like 7 cigerettes up in my room, which I am craving them, but I can't right now cause I have soccer to do. But yeah basically I'm in the mood to destroy my health or my life at that fact, but I have to finish soccer tryouts first which I still have thursday and saturday to go, and then the signing is sometime sunday afternoon. But huh, yeah things seemed to be getting better but I'm just back into a downward spiral again, and except this time its worse than before.
But well, I got bands on my braces today so my mouth is hurting like hell so I'm going to go now, adios amigos.
--------Erin
Modified Jul 11, 2001 12:07 AM EDT
Well yeah I must say I got really pissed off, nothing is as painful as having hopes and the having them appear as absolutely pointless. And well yeah I was happy for one day and actually slept good that night, I haven't done that in a very long time, but hey whats the point of that I can't sleep now, or you know be happy, well hell I guess I'm just back to my normal self again. And you maybe wondering what do you mean by that? Hmm... lets see, questioning everything. Including my sexuality, yes I did say that, I've been questioning that for a while now. Another, I'm back to thinking of suicide again, its whether think of suicide or I think about cutting my self again. Oh yeah I've been drinking, lets see before I got that email (a week or two before) that is when my mom was out of town, and I went with my brother to one of his friends house and I drank 5 smirnoffs. Cause well hey if I have the oppotunity I take it. And lets see I got Amanda's email July 2nd, and I found out about her email to Michelle the 3rd. The 5th I went again and drank 3 smirnoffs, and well I sure as hell have the opportunity to smoke, I have like 7 cigerettes up in my room, which I am craving them, but I can't right now cause I have soccer to do. But yeah basically I'm in the mood to destroy my health or my life at that fact, but I have to finish soccer tryouts first which I still have thursday and saturday to go, and then the signing is sometime sunday afternoon. But huh, yeah things seemed to be getting better but I'm just back into a downward spiral again, and except this time its worse than before.
But well, I got bands on my braces today so my mouth is hurting like hell so I'm going to go now, adios amigos.
--------Erin
Modified Jul 11, 2001 12:07 AM EDT
