Sunday, July 29, 2001
Today I went shopping with my mom in Brownwood at my aunt Laura's store. Its called Dunlaps, its kind of like Bealls. But yeah I picked out a pair of blue jeans and two nice dress shirts and another shirt that can go under one of the dress shirts. And I also picked out a pair of doc martan (sp?) sandals, I actually like them, lol but you can barely see my toes, seriously. But yeah one of the benefits I have that my aunt is the store manager is that she can hold things for us awhile. Shes saving it until next friday I think to ring it up, cause thats when the no tax weekend thing starts, and then she is going to ring it up and then ship the stuff to us. But yeah I got to drive all the way there and all the way back. Kind of like when I got to drive to Ft. Worth and back, except this time I didn't run over any curbs. But yeah other than that stuff thats all I've done today.
Anyways, well it doesn't matter what I did today I still feel like a total loser. I really truly think that I am. Michelle still hasn't called me, so I don't know if shes going to be home within the next hour, or if shes getting in tomorrow afternoon. But yeah I have no social life what so ever, no one ever calls me, I never go anywhere besides with Michelle (which is still cool by the way), but I mean I have no other friends that would like to hang out with me. All I do is stay at home and watch tv, heck during the week I watch little kid cartoons, but I actually like one its called Digimon, its Japanese anime well except that its in english. But yeah and beside tv all I do is get on the internet. You know some of those emails that are something like you know if you're from a small town if... or some like Jeff Foxworthy (sp?) says, you might be a redneck if... Well something I always think of, is you might be addicted to the internet if when you're in public and something funny happens, and instead of laughing you almost say lol. Geez I need a life, but hey once August 6th (when volleyball and marching band starts) comes around and then officially on the 21st (when school starts), I won't have anytime for a life, so really why do I care and why does it even matter. But still I feel like a loser, and an outcast, cause I feel like everyone just forgot about me and moved on. Dangit I hate it when I do this, but I can't help it, thats just how I feel, and like Michelle said in that survey she can't help but wonder if her true friends are really her friends. Well heck I just wonder if I really have friends, or if they are just sparing my feelings to not make me feel bad.
And oh geez I always worry about my secrets being brought up in a conversation, and someone happening to forget that they promised not to tell anyone and that they would keep it to themselves. I really do mean that, cause I mean if my secrets (everything I write in this diary), I would rather just curl up and die, or get alot of money from my parents, and move away for GOOD. But I really think that it would totally break my heart, the last thing that I need in life is for someone that I trust to betray me. I mean I've had people I really loved taken out of my life {John (ex-stepdad), Letty (Brian's ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years)} and frankly I'm tired of it. And well if people found out all about me, then it would destroy me and break my heart so badly that I would never be able to trust or love anyone ever again. Don't get me wrong I trust these people that know. But people slip up sometimes, cause I've known it to happen. But sometimes all it takes is the little things right? Really I think that it applies to anyone that if they had some deep secret that they trusted someone to keep forever and they told and everyone found out, I think that they would feel the same way that I do. Think about it, what if it happened to you. "If you love me like you told me, please be careful with my heart, you can take it, just don't break it, cause my world will fall apart" Need I say more.
Oh wow, I'm ranting again, I must stop that now, but once again I still mean everything that I said.
I don't know I think I really feel like a loser, cause I hardly have any friends, and I never ever really feel loved. Seriously I've never actually felt like someone really cared about me. And I'm 15 for goodness sake, everything is hitting me hard. Everything would be pain by the way. I mean when is it enough, why can't someone just feel good for once, feel loved, feel good about them selves and who they are. And what about their accomplishments when will they ever be recognized for what they have done, rather than being punished for what they haven't done. You know they say love conquers all. Well show me love, then maybe I'll know what that saying really means.
Well now I feel completely pathetic, and I hope that none of this will come flying right back into my face one day. But yeah I think I've said all that I wanted to so now I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
----------Erin
Modified Jul 29, 2001 1:20 AM EDT
Anyways, well it doesn't matter what I did today I still feel like a total loser. I really truly think that I am. Michelle still hasn't called me, so I don't know if shes going to be home within the next hour, or if shes getting in tomorrow afternoon. But yeah I have no social life what so ever, no one ever calls me, I never go anywhere besides with Michelle (which is still cool by the way), but I mean I have no other friends that would like to hang out with me. All I do is stay at home and watch tv, heck during the week I watch little kid cartoons, but I actually like one its called Digimon, its Japanese anime well except that its in english. But yeah and beside tv all I do is get on the internet. You know some of those emails that are something like you know if you're from a small town if... or some like Jeff Foxworthy (sp?) says, you might be a redneck if... Well something I always think of, is you might be addicted to the internet if when you're in public and something funny happens, and instead of laughing you almost say lol. Geez I need a life, but hey once August 6th (when volleyball and marching band starts) comes around and then officially on the 21st (when school starts), I won't have anytime for a life, so really why do I care and why does it even matter. But still I feel like a loser, and an outcast, cause I feel like everyone just forgot about me and moved on. Dangit I hate it when I do this, but I can't help it, thats just how I feel, and like Michelle said in that survey she can't help but wonder if her true friends are really her friends. Well heck I just wonder if I really have friends, or if they are just sparing my feelings to not make me feel bad.
And oh geez I always worry about my secrets being brought up in a conversation, and someone happening to forget that they promised not to tell anyone and that they would keep it to themselves. I really do mean that, cause I mean if my secrets (everything I write in this diary), I would rather just curl up and die, or get alot of money from my parents, and move away for GOOD. But I really think that it would totally break my heart, the last thing that I need in life is for someone that I trust to betray me. I mean I've had people I really loved taken out of my life {John (ex-stepdad), Letty (Brian's ex-girlfriend of almost 3 years)} and frankly I'm tired of it. And well if people found out all about me, then it would destroy me and break my heart so badly that I would never be able to trust or love anyone ever again. Don't get me wrong I trust these people that know. But people slip up sometimes, cause I've known it to happen. But sometimes all it takes is the little things right? Really I think that it applies to anyone that if they had some deep secret that they trusted someone to keep forever and they told and everyone found out, I think that they would feel the same way that I do. Think about it, what if it happened to you. "If you love me like you told me, please be careful with my heart, you can take it, just don't break it, cause my world will fall apart" Need I say more.
Oh wow, I'm ranting again, I must stop that now, but once again I still mean everything that I said.
I don't know I think I really feel like a loser, cause I hardly have any friends, and I never ever really feel loved. Seriously I've never actually felt like someone really cared about me. And I'm 15 for goodness sake, everything is hitting me hard. Everything would be pain by the way. I mean when is it enough, why can't someone just feel good for once, feel loved, feel good about them selves and who they are. And what about their accomplishments when will they ever be recognized for what they have done, rather than being punished for what they haven't done. You know they say love conquers all. Well show me love, then maybe I'll know what that saying really means.
Well now I feel completely pathetic, and I hope that none of this will come flying right back into my face one day. But yeah I think I've said all that I wanted to so now I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
----------Erin
Modified Jul 29, 2001 1:20 AM EDT
