Saturday, November 12, 2005
Posting my old journal entries from bolt.com on here now, so i can delete them off of there and to make sure i don't lose the information if that site ever screws up or deletes my account.
Saturday, May 31, 2003
*Email to Rebecca*
Rebecca,
Hey girl, what are you up to? I'm just chilling out at my dad's I just got back not long ago from running. I ran about 3 miles again and I only stopped once, cause a lady that used to work with my mom stopped me on the road and talked to me for a sec. But yeah I am happy with myself I guess. With everything going on lately, I haven't been able to concentrate on my grades as much, so my grades in psychology and algebra 2 have sliipped, it pisses me off, but theres noting else I can really do. I had to take two psych tests yesterday, I made a 48 on the one I took after school (the one I missed on monday), and I had an OPEN-NOTEBOOK test during the class, it was specifically over our worksheets and tests and notes that we've taken. I left all of my papers at home except 3, but I had all of my notes, which didn't do me any good. But yeah it sucks. I've been doing pretty bad in algebra since the beginning of the tri, cause math is just not my thing in the first place, and I haven't taken it since last year, and my teachers sucked so I never learned anything then either (or maybe its just the fact that we are using different books than I used to). But yeah I won't be surprised if I fail algebra this tri, if I do I'm sure I will do alot better the next tri cause now I have a tutor (technically, not paid or anything), her name is Angie, she's my friend Nikki's mom, shes the Content Mastery teacher at the high school.
But anyways, hmmm.... what else is going on. I found out today what I'm doing the day of prom, I have to get my hair done at 2:00 (although I have no clue what they can do with my hair, lol), and then I'm supposed to meet at this girl's house at 5:30 so we can take pictures and all that, the limo is picking us up at 6:00, and we're going to eat at Saltgrass Steakhouse at 7:15, I haven't eaten there, but I've heard its good. And then after prom I'm probably going to stay at that girl's house (her name is Angie, I eat lunch with her this tri, lol she didn't know till today, that I was the Erin riding with her to prom, lol it really was pretty funny). But yeah I'm thinking prom will pretty fun, awkward I suppose, but cool at that.
Ok what else, I'm thinking Miranda has been trying harder recently to get me back, but yeah she picked me up this morning to take me to see the judge (take my report card to take care of my ticket), and I realized all of the things that drove me crazy about her. Shes a good friend and all, but its like no matter how hard I try to keep her from buying me things, she kind of guilt trips me into letting her, she says money isn't important to her (when she gets me stuff, its like RCs or breakfast from McDonald's). Yeah she tried to give me money today (for lunch the rest of the week), but I made a big scene so then she took it back. It makes me wonder what shes going to do for my birthday this weekend. She told me she asked people if they wanted to do something for me, but she never got any response, which wouldn't surprise me. But I'm planning on going to go to a softball game tomorrow (cause its Michelle's last game in HS), and on saturday I told Nikki that if her and Amanda want to do something to call me. And then sunday (my actual birthday) I have no clue, my mom might want to do something, but I doubt it, we never do anything. Miranda's dad's birthday is on saturaday so she can't do anything then, but she talked to her mom about me and her mom said it would be ok if she came and did something with me. Shes actually been becoming more open with her mom, although I'm not quite sure its really her choice completely, her mom asks and shes tells I suppose. Which is cool for her, I think its been helping her mom out alot, her mom really didn't like me for awhile but I think shes starting to get over it, finally.
Well anyways, how was your day? Boring I bet, but hopefully you got caught up on a little bit of rest. But knowing you, you're never quite lucky like that I suppose. But I hope your wrists are feeling better than they were yesterday. I don't expect you to write me back or anything like that, I just know that you would prefer me email you or call you rather than post on my blogger. Is this email more personal for you??? If its still impersonal I'll call you I guess. But well yeah I just wanted to write you and tell you whats been going on. And I just wanted to check up on you and all that. I'm actually really hoping right now, that my reactions haven't ruined things for us, forever. And I'm not necessarily talking about relationship wise, but more so with our friendship. Last night on the phone was really weird. You had to of noticed, but you might not cause you weren't really focusing on much but your wrists. But it felt really awkward, and there was kind of this tension. But then again it might just be my imagination. I want things to be ok with us, I want us to be friends a long time from now, and yeah you may be unsure about what you want or who you want right now. But what I do know is that I love being your friend, and even just those two dates, showed me how much I liked being on that deeper level or more personal level. And I know that one day, and it may not today or tomorrow, maybe not next week or next month, or even the next year or more than that, I know that if you ever wanted to pursue things with me again, that I'd be more than happy to do so. Lol just have to make extra sure that the timing is truely right. But perhaps this time around, gave you a definite answer, that you never want to be with me again. But I won't give up on the belief that it is possible that things could work out between us one day, you have to remember that anything is possible. But well I just wanted to share some of this with you.
But like I said I don't expect you to write me back cause of your wrists, but if you feel up to it, feel free and call me, I'm not watching tv tonight, lol. But well I have to go to soccer banquet meeting, so I guess I'll talk to you later ok. Laters.
Love Always,
Erin
[edit]
[4/14/2003 4:00:06 PM | Erin Jones]
Sunday, April 06, 2003
**Hey you promised, no biting, lol j/k biting is ok**
!*!*Rebecca*!*!
Yeah well you probably read my posts before this so you know that Becca and I went on a date. Well last Sunday she asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said sure, she was like and I mean with a possibility of something more happening than just hanging out as friends. So then I had to say something different, I wanted so badly to automatically say yes, but I couldn’t, I had to give Jeannie a little more time. And I told her so. So well I wrote Jeannie another letter asking her to respond, I chickened out on giving it to her on Monday, so I gave it to her Tuesday morning. And I didn’t have a response all day, and by this time it had been 2 1/2-3 weeks. So that night I decided to screw things with Jeannie. I mean hell there was a chance of a lifetime just waiting for me. And I had been waiting for this chance for awhile, and finally the timing was right. So I took the opportunity. I ended up not having to work on Friday, so that’s when we decided to go out (on a date). Lol and it was up to me what we did, she has never been to a drive-in movie theatre, so I thought that was a good idea. And since she first asked me she wanted to take me to get ice cream. Well up until Friday night that was our plan.
Lol well her former cross-country coach was going to be at her friends house that afternoon, so she went over there before she came and got me. I think she got to my house at about 7:40. And we left and went to Granbury. Well as were almost to the Plant, she asked me if I could drive a standard, and I said no, so she said she’d teach me how when we got into town. *smiles* obvious (taking off her brace) but its was oh so cute. So when we got into town she took my hand and put it on the stick (shifter lol) and she continued to shift with my hand on hers. When we didn’t have to shift we’d intertwine our hands and set them on my thigh. We went to the Coffee Grinder, which is a freaking amazing place. The one on the square is a bit cooler (more of a coffee shop feel to it). But this place worked wonderfully. :) Becca loved it, although she paid for it (feel a little guilty, especially since she bought me dinner last summer). She said the way the served the ice cream is how they do it in Italy (homemade ice cream, and tiny little spoons to eat it with). Lol I kept my spoon. The sign on the front of the building says the Coffee Grinder and below it, it says Coffee (something relating to coffee) and Gelatoria (sp?), Becca told me Gelatoria is Italian for ice cream. *smiles* Becca told me when we were eating ice cream, she would tell me something about it later. She told me in the car that she thinks when people are eating ice cream is when they look the sexiest. I couldn’t help but laugh, it was funny yeah but really cute (or well basically should I just say it made me blush).
Well then we came back to GR and went back to Big Rocks. And Becca brought up a good point in her blogger. “I digress.... She and I then went to sit next to the river that runs through Glen Rose. I thought it was very interesting that she and I went to the same place that we did last summer, when I told her that things weren't going to work out, very ironic.” Lol yeah definitely ironic. We even went back to the same ledge we sat on last time. But this time we brought (well she brought it actually), and we sat together with me leaning against her (at first). Well we talked for a little bit and looked for the North Star and the Big Dipper. She pointed to Orion and asked me if I knew what it was, and of course I did, how could I forget, lol and yeah I’ve been watching the stars a lot this year. Becca does this thing and I think it’s the cutest thing in the world, she smells me. She did it in the car after her North Crowley game. And she did it that night, she was smelling my hair. She likes the way I smell. It felt so good being close to her like I was. And I must say I might have really wanted her to be my first kiss (literally, but with different people you always have a first kiss), but waiting this long was well worth it. Everything was just so romantic. Lol well after awhile she started getting closer to the water puddle so I switched her sides, then we began kissing again. And it just felt so perfect, the right person, the right time, the right surroundings. Yeah I tend to open my eyes while kissing. Well most of the when I opened my eyes I saw her face and then just behind her I could see the stars shining down on us. It was so wonderful. Lol and ya can’t forget her hair falling onto my face while I was kissing her, it was kind of like this veil covering us to protect us from something.
Well I started to get cold, so she got up so I could move more onto the blanket, when she stood up and I moved I just sat there and watched her. It was so awesome, its was like the light or moon was just shining on the most beautiful thing in the world. And well yeah she looks sexy all the time, but the light made her even more beautiful. And it was great cause she couldn’t really see me, so it was kind of like I was on the outside looking in. Well then she got me to sit in between her legs and then she wrapped her arms around me, which feels so great. Sitting this way made it a little more challenging to kiss her, but it was well worth it. Well I was still kind of cold and she started to fall into the puddle, so we got up and moved the blanket over and made it flatter so we could wrap part of it around us. We sat back down, and after a while her thighs kept shaking, so I rubbed the back of her thighs. And damn she has nice legs. A little later she got up to check what time it was and to set her timer for how much time she had left till she had to go home. She sat back down and we were sitting in the same position when we first got there, then she was like I’m going to show you something, she grabbed my arm and wrapped it around her back, she said it gets her every time. Then she said nails got her too, you know where you rub them a little above there hips. Lol and she was right it definitely got to her, it was so cute. Well sitting like we were didn’t completely work so we kind of laid on our sides. When I was rubbing across her back I noticed she had a scar, and I asked her about it. She said that when she was little she was standing up (can’t remember where or what exactly she was doing), but there was a nail sticking out and it cut her all the way up her back. And that was something I never knew. And I would also run my fingers across her stomach, she said she pretty much has a 6-pack all year and never really has to do anything, well shes right she does have a 6-pack. Well then her timer went off and she got up. She said she had to go, but I pulled her back down for one more kiss over there, her hair fell out from behind her shoulder (I love her hair, down or up, but that the first time I’ve seen it down for more than 20 seconds). I keep thinking about that moment too, she looked really sexy then to. But hell she looks sexy all the time, and damn her mind is so amazingly beautiful too!! Oh and she has really soft skin and lips, and yeah shes a good kisser too. Lol and she has a cute nose too (and :) apparently I do too). Then we managed to finally climb over all the boulders and made it back to the car. She was worried about being home late. We held hands again. She looked so determined and focused, it was cute. You know one could thing about have hair down, is you can put it behind their ear, lol I loved doing that. Well one weird but cool thing happened. I kissed her right in front of my garage. With no fear, it was awesome, I wasn’t worried about anyone coming out and seeing us. So cool, it made me proud. Lol well if ya couldn’t tell I had a great time, and yes I write in great detail.
Oh I forgot, when we were on our way to Granbury, she asked me if I was nervous, and I said I was. But I thought about it later, I wasn’t really nervous or scared. I just wasn’t really sure what to do. Lol and later listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Things I’ll Never Say,” helped explain the situation. Becca thought it was really funny, and so did I. So yeah it helped define how I was feeling at the beginning out the date, I wanted to be perfect for her. But I wasn’t quite sure how. Then I realized, perfect… is just being who I am, so thats what I did.
Well earlier tonight, it kind of freaked me out. Cause she asked me a personal question, but I totally didn’t mind. She asked me how far Miranda and I went? As soon as she asked me if she could ask me a personal question I knew that was what it would be. This kind of made me feel really weird. She said some things that freaked me out. One cause they confused me cause I didn’t completely understand them. And two, I didn’t want to ask directly cause I would feel really stupid. Yeah it freaked me out and kind of made me a little mad (made me confused), cause it made me think she had done things with her exes but she had never told me she had (even when we had talked about those types of things). But then she called me and she explained, to me. And I can’t even express how relieved I am. I don’t think she would ever intentionally lie to me about something like that. So well yeah I think it’s a little odd how she doesn’t care what I’ve done. But then again its pretty damn cool. Yeah I do regret sometimes of having sex with Miranda, but then again I’m glad I did because I have experienced it, theres no sense of wonder. Make sense? Anyways, well Rebecca really surprised me tonight. She was like so how would you feel about my calling you becoming an every night thing (I think she said one or two other things after that but I didn't catch what they were). But I was just like oh my gosh that is so cute, I was like of course tha'’s cool, its fine with me. She was like no, I don't think you understand (then I was like uhh… maybe she did'’t mean what I just thought she meant) I mean how would you feel about being taken? And I was like oh, I understood you. And yeah of course. This really surprised me, and it has made me incredibly happy. I would have to be crazy not to want to be with her. So well hopefully on Friday I'll be going to Joshua to see her, lol cause shes grounded. She always seems to be grounded, well not so much this year as last year but still, lol. Well I’m really happy right now, and I'm very blessed to be with her, even as a friend I was blessed. She is such a wonderful person. posted by Erin at 11:02:07 PM
Sunday, April 13, 2003
*Rebecca*
I had an unbelievably great night with Rebecca. I was about 15 minutes late getting there, but it wasn't a big deal. Well being us, we were really indecisive on what we wanted to do. We looked at what movies were playing, then went and got ice cream at Braum's. Then we decided to go to the soccer park, and I think we were thinking about going to go back to the movies, but as soon as we got to the park, that idea changed. We had originally planned on going to the park but we thought we'd do something first. Well we walked down by the river for a while, then decided we really wanted to stay, so we went back to the car and got the blankets and walked back. I was carrying the blankets and I wouldn't let her carry one of them, so she bent down and picked some flowers. Although she knew it was obvious that she was picking flowers, she told me if I gave her one of the blankets then she'd give me a surprise. I thought this was so cute. What can I say, I couldn't say no to her then. Well we laid down the blankets, and laid down. And well we attempted to talk more than make out, and well that was the same with trying to watch the sunset and watch the stars lol.
I don't think I can really express fully how beautiful Rebecca is, and lol she looked so cute with her Mickey Mouse hat on. She told me she was planning on wearing something alot cuter. But it doesn't matter what shes wearing, she looks good no matter what. Well the one thing I remember us talking about was that she asked me what something was I thought was weird or unusual. I told her that it might not be strange to her, but to me it was. I told her that it was really weird how Thursday night, my mom told me that she loved me and that I told her I loved her too. Well I honestly can't remember what Rebecca and I talked about, or maybe we just didn't talk as much as I thought. Lol I remember telling me she wanted tonight to be more than a make-out session. Then later she was like, well this was definitely a make-out session. Well I must say we never really did talk about evolution, lol.
Well we would make-out for awhile, then stop and thats when I could admire how beautiful she looked. I know the one thing that got me every time is when she would kiss up and down my neck and suck on my ears. Sometimes rubbing her nails across my back worked, but most of the time my back doesn’t like to cooperate, I mean yeah it feels good but sometimes it doesn’t give me chills up and down my back. Lol I love it how she has so many different spots, and each one is wonderful. Her neck and collarbone, her ears, nails on her back and stomach, and well one thing I definitely learned is that she really likes it when I kiss her stomach and lick her bellybutton (which is really cute), and I think she also like it when I licked up her back, and well as far as sucking on her tongue I’m not sure (if it was good or just interesting, or both). I would have to say one of my favorite parts of the night was kissing her stomach, watching her get chills (and seeing her squirm), and well she makes noises which was so funny/sexy/cute. Lol after I kissed her stomach for awhile she just laid there, and was amazed I guess. It was so funny, she was like if I don’t make much sense its cause I can’t feel anything below here (her neck, if thats not what she said it was atleast close to that).
Then we proceeded to make out some more, and then she shocked me. She asked me if I’d do her stomach again, which I did very willingly. She did the same thing again, I loved it. After that she said it was wonderful or that I was wonderful (something like that), when she said that it gave me the idea to play the Everclear song: Wonderful (one of the songs that is on the cd I made). Well we laid there for awhile, and during all of this time we were being attacked by mosquitoes or some kind of bug. I was itching really badly but Rebecca didn’t seem to be getting bit (technically stung) but she told me today she has red bumps all on her left side. Well she asked me what I was thinking, and it took me awhile to tell her, cause I was kind of scared to, cause I was unsure what she’d think. I really don’t want to move to fast, cause thats what I did with Miranda and it didn’t work out (we had sex probably a week or two after we started dating), sometimes I feel thats all Miranda and I were about was sex and it didn’t really mean all that much to me. I want that chance to absorb everything, to really live in the moment, not to quickly jump into something. I really want to appreciate it when/if it happens, I want it to really mean something. And well I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet, I’m still insecure with myself (and I should say what she might think of me). I don’t want to get carried away with something, I’ve been really cautious, I feel I need to be, not just for me but for Rebecca as well.
Anyways, well Rebecca said she did a lot of new things that night, or new things happened for her (I keep wondering if for her should be, happened to her). I know she did one new thing, and I keep trying to think of a way to phrase it with out feeling weird but I suppose there isn’t really a way to do that. Lol damn I still can’t do it, I suppose knowing is good enough for me. But yeah it kind of scared me, or well made me nervous, whatever it surprised me thats for sure. I mean going from feeling to sucking I just knew I was moving my bra up so it would be easier for her to feel. Well those were two definite things I didn’t expect her to do. Well hey lookie there I pretty much said it. But well yeah I liked it who wouldn’t, lol. I think a little after that is when I kissed her stomach for the second time. One of the other new things she told me was when I stuck the tips of my hands in her back pocket when we were walking along the trail earlier. So right after that I got her to lie on top of me and I put my hands in her back pockets, then on her “panties,” then actually on her skin. And yes she has a very nice butt. Oh yeah thats another spot. Well then she got me to lie on top of her and did pretty much the same, but she started moving her hands up my thighs up towards a certain area (on the outside of my shorts) and well I grabbed her hands and stopped her, then a little later she was rubbing my stomach and then she started moving her hands lower than my waistline (not sure how to word those last few sentences) but I stopped her then too. I was just afraid, I’m not quite sure if she was actually going to do something, but I didn’t want to risk it I should say. Yeah it has pretty much to do with the same thing I said earlier.
But well I just wanted that night to be as good as possible without actually doing something (and I didn’t know what was going to happen until it started happening). I was determined not to feel her up or anything like that, although I may have wanted to, I was just determined not to. Lol kind of like in the movie 40 days and 40 nights, where he gives up sex for lent, and he can’t do anything with his body. And he ends up giving the girl an orgasm with rose petals, which was an interesting prospect. Just makes me wonder if something like that is possible, just with something simple, like kissing the stomach.
Well sadly it was time to take her home, so we walked in the dark, back to the car, hand in hand. She was worried cause she was going to be late getting home. But as far as I know she didn’t get in trouble. I had an amazing time with her last night. posted by Erin at 1:44:30 AM
I made a seperate blogger for my Rebecca stuff, she didn't want it on my other one for fear of someone else finding it and it made her uncomfortable. But this one is not public so it really is just for me only, whoo-hoo. Although her asking me to take this stuff I've written made me feel bad and pretty stupid. But I'll do anything to make her happy.
Modified May 31, 2003 11:17 PM EDT
Rebecca,
Hey girl, what are you up to? I'm just chilling out at my dad's I just got back not long ago from running. I ran about 3 miles again and I only stopped once, cause a lady that used to work with my mom stopped me on the road and talked to me for a sec. But yeah I am happy with myself I guess. With everything going on lately, I haven't been able to concentrate on my grades as much, so my grades in psychology and algebra 2 have sliipped, it pisses me off, but theres noting else I can really do. I had to take two psych tests yesterday, I made a 48 on the one I took after school (the one I missed on monday), and I had an OPEN-NOTEBOOK test during the class, it was specifically over our worksheets and tests and notes that we've taken. I left all of my papers at home except 3, but I had all of my notes, which didn't do me any good. But yeah it sucks. I've been doing pretty bad in algebra since the beginning of the tri, cause math is just not my thing in the first place, and I haven't taken it since last year, and my teachers sucked so I never learned anything then either (or maybe its just the fact that we are using different books than I used to). But yeah I won't be surprised if I fail algebra this tri, if I do I'm sure I will do alot better the next tri cause now I have a tutor (technically, not paid or anything), her name is Angie, she's my friend Nikki's mom, shes the Content Mastery teacher at the high school.
But anyways, hmmm.... what else is going on. I found out today what I'm doing the day of prom, I have to get my hair done at 2:00 (although I have no clue what they can do with my hair, lol), and then I'm supposed to meet at this girl's house at 5:30 so we can take pictures and all that, the limo is picking us up at 6:00, and we're going to eat at Saltgrass Steakhouse at 7:15, I haven't eaten there, but I've heard its good. And then after prom I'm probably going to stay at that girl's house (her name is Angie, I eat lunch with her this tri, lol she didn't know till today, that I was the Erin riding with her to prom, lol it really was pretty funny). But yeah I'm thinking prom will pretty fun, awkward I suppose, but cool at that.
Ok what else, I'm thinking Miranda has been trying harder recently to get me back, but yeah she picked me up this morning to take me to see the judge (take my report card to take care of my ticket), and I realized all of the things that drove me crazy about her. Shes a good friend and all, but its like no matter how hard I try to keep her from buying me things, she kind of guilt trips me into letting her, she says money isn't important to her (when she gets me stuff, its like RCs or breakfast from McDonald's). Yeah she tried to give me money today (for lunch the rest of the week), but I made a big scene so then she took it back. It makes me wonder what shes going to do for my birthday this weekend. She told me she asked people if they wanted to do something for me, but she never got any response, which wouldn't surprise me. But I'm planning on going to go to a softball game tomorrow (cause its Michelle's last game in HS), and on saturday I told Nikki that if her and Amanda want to do something to call me. And then sunday (my actual birthday) I have no clue, my mom might want to do something, but I doubt it, we never do anything. Miranda's dad's birthday is on saturaday so she can't do anything then, but she talked to her mom about me and her mom said it would be ok if she came and did something with me. Shes actually been becoming more open with her mom, although I'm not quite sure its really her choice completely, her mom asks and shes tells I suppose. Which is cool for her, I think its been helping her mom out alot, her mom really didn't like me for awhile but I think shes starting to get over it, finally.
Well anyways, how was your day? Boring I bet, but hopefully you got caught up on a little bit of rest. But knowing you, you're never quite lucky like that I suppose. But I hope your wrists are feeling better than they were yesterday. I don't expect you to write me back or anything like that, I just know that you would prefer me email you or call you rather than post on my blogger. Is this email more personal for you??? If its still impersonal I'll call you I guess. But well yeah I just wanted to write you and tell you whats been going on. And I just wanted to check up on you and all that. I'm actually really hoping right now, that my reactions haven't ruined things for us, forever. And I'm not necessarily talking about relationship wise, but more so with our friendship. Last night on the phone was really weird. You had to of noticed, but you might not cause you weren't really focusing on much but your wrists. But it felt really awkward, and there was kind of this tension. But then again it might just be my imagination. I want things to be ok with us, I want us to be friends a long time from now, and yeah you may be unsure about what you want or who you want right now. But what I do know is that I love being your friend, and even just those two dates, showed me how much I liked being on that deeper level or more personal level. And I know that one day, and it may not today or tomorrow, maybe not next week or next month, or even the next year or more than that, I know that if you ever wanted to pursue things with me again, that I'd be more than happy to do so. Lol just have to make extra sure that the timing is truely right. But perhaps this time around, gave you a definite answer, that you never want to be with me again. But I won't give up on the belief that it is possible that things could work out between us one day, you have to remember that anything is possible. But well I just wanted to share some of this with you.
But like I said I don't expect you to write me back cause of your wrists, but if you feel up to it, feel free and call me, I'm not watching tv tonight, lol. But well I have to go to soccer banquet meeting, so I guess I'll talk to you later ok. Laters.
Love Always,
Erin
[edit]
[4/14/2003 4:00:06 PM | Erin Jones]
Sunday, April 06, 2003
**Hey you promised, no biting, lol j/k biting is ok**
!*!*Rebecca*!*!
Yeah well you probably read my posts before this so you know that Becca and I went on a date. Well last Sunday she asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said sure, she was like and I mean with a possibility of something more happening than just hanging out as friends. So then I had to say something different, I wanted so badly to automatically say yes, but I couldn’t, I had to give Jeannie a little more time. And I told her so. So well I wrote Jeannie another letter asking her to respond, I chickened out on giving it to her on Monday, so I gave it to her Tuesday morning. And I didn’t have a response all day, and by this time it had been 2 1/2-3 weeks. So that night I decided to screw things with Jeannie. I mean hell there was a chance of a lifetime just waiting for me. And I had been waiting for this chance for awhile, and finally the timing was right. So I took the opportunity. I ended up not having to work on Friday, so that’s when we decided to go out (on a date). Lol and it was up to me what we did, she has never been to a drive-in movie theatre, so I thought that was a good idea. And since she first asked me she wanted to take me to get ice cream. Well up until Friday night that was our plan.
Lol well her former cross-country coach was going to be at her friends house that afternoon, so she went over there before she came and got me. I think she got to my house at about 7:40. And we left and went to Granbury. Well as were almost to the Plant, she asked me if I could drive a standard, and I said no, so she said she’d teach me how when we got into town. *smiles* obvious (taking off her brace) but its was oh so cute. So when we got into town she took my hand and put it on the stick (shifter lol) and she continued to shift with my hand on hers. When we didn’t have to shift we’d intertwine our hands and set them on my thigh. We went to the Coffee Grinder, which is a freaking amazing place. The one on the square is a bit cooler (more of a coffee shop feel to it). But this place worked wonderfully. :) Becca loved it, although she paid for it (feel a little guilty, especially since she bought me dinner last summer). She said the way the served the ice cream is how they do it in Italy (homemade ice cream, and tiny little spoons to eat it with). Lol I kept my spoon. The sign on the front of the building says the Coffee Grinder and below it, it says Coffee (something relating to coffee) and Gelatoria (sp?), Becca told me Gelatoria is Italian for ice cream. *smiles* Becca told me when we were eating ice cream, she would tell me something about it later. She told me in the car that she thinks when people are eating ice cream is when they look the sexiest. I couldn’t help but laugh, it was funny yeah but really cute (or well basically should I just say it made me blush).
Well then we came back to GR and went back to Big Rocks. And Becca brought up a good point in her blogger. “I digress.... She and I then went to sit next to the river that runs through Glen Rose. I thought it was very interesting that she and I went to the same place that we did last summer, when I told her that things weren't going to work out, very ironic.” Lol yeah definitely ironic. We even went back to the same ledge we sat on last time. But this time we brought (well she brought it actually), and we sat together with me leaning against her (at first). Well we talked for a little bit and looked for the North Star and the Big Dipper. She pointed to Orion and asked me if I knew what it was, and of course I did, how could I forget, lol and yeah I’ve been watching the stars a lot this year. Becca does this thing and I think it’s the cutest thing in the world, she smells me. She did it in the car after her North Crowley game. And she did it that night, she was smelling my hair. She likes the way I smell. It felt so good being close to her like I was. And I must say I might have really wanted her to be my first kiss (literally, but with different people you always have a first kiss), but waiting this long was well worth it. Everything was just so romantic. Lol well after awhile she started getting closer to the water puddle so I switched her sides, then we began kissing again. And it just felt so perfect, the right person, the right time, the right surroundings. Yeah I tend to open my eyes while kissing. Well most of the when I opened my eyes I saw her face and then just behind her I could see the stars shining down on us. It was so wonderful. Lol and ya can’t forget her hair falling onto my face while I was kissing her, it was kind of like this veil covering us to protect us from something.
Well I started to get cold, so she got up so I could move more onto the blanket, when she stood up and I moved I just sat there and watched her. It was so awesome, its was like the light or moon was just shining on the most beautiful thing in the world. And well yeah she looks sexy all the time, but the light made her even more beautiful. And it was great cause she couldn’t really see me, so it was kind of like I was on the outside looking in. Well then she got me to sit in between her legs and then she wrapped her arms around me, which feels so great. Sitting this way made it a little more challenging to kiss her, but it was well worth it. Well I was still kind of cold and she started to fall into the puddle, so we got up and moved the blanket over and made it flatter so we could wrap part of it around us. We sat back down, and after a while her thighs kept shaking, so I rubbed the back of her thighs. And damn she has nice legs. A little later she got up to check what time it was and to set her timer for how much time she had left till she had to go home. She sat back down and we were sitting in the same position when we first got there, then she was like I’m going to show you something, she grabbed my arm and wrapped it around her back, she said it gets her every time. Then she said nails got her too, you know where you rub them a little above there hips. Lol and she was right it definitely got to her, it was so cute. Well sitting like we were didn’t completely work so we kind of laid on our sides. When I was rubbing across her back I noticed she had a scar, and I asked her about it. She said that when she was little she was standing up (can’t remember where or what exactly she was doing), but there was a nail sticking out and it cut her all the way up her back. And that was something I never knew. And I would also run my fingers across her stomach, she said she pretty much has a 6-pack all year and never really has to do anything, well shes right she does have a 6-pack. Well then her timer went off and she got up. She said she had to go, but I pulled her back down for one more kiss over there, her hair fell out from behind her shoulder (I love her hair, down or up, but that the first time I’ve seen it down for more than 20 seconds). I keep thinking about that moment too, she looked really sexy then to. But hell she looks sexy all the time, and damn her mind is so amazingly beautiful too!! Oh and she has really soft skin and lips, and yeah shes a good kisser too. Lol and she has a cute nose too (and :) apparently I do too). Then we managed to finally climb over all the boulders and made it back to the car. She was worried about being home late. We held hands again. She looked so determined and focused, it was cute. You know one could thing about have hair down, is you can put it behind their ear, lol I loved doing that. Well one weird but cool thing happened. I kissed her right in front of my garage. With no fear, it was awesome, I wasn’t worried about anyone coming out and seeing us. So cool, it made me proud. Lol well if ya couldn’t tell I had a great time, and yes I write in great detail.
Oh I forgot, when we were on our way to Granbury, she asked me if I was nervous, and I said I was. But I thought about it later, I wasn’t really nervous or scared. I just wasn’t really sure what to do. Lol and later listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Things I’ll Never Say,” helped explain the situation. Becca thought it was really funny, and so did I. So yeah it helped define how I was feeling at the beginning out the date, I wanted to be perfect for her. But I wasn’t quite sure how. Then I realized, perfect… is just being who I am, so thats what I did.
Well earlier tonight, it kind of freaked me out. Cause she asked me a personal question, but I totally didn’t mind. She asked me how far Miranda and I went? As soon as she asked me if she could ask me a personal question I knew that was what it would be. This kind of made me feel really weird. She said some things that freaked me out. One cause they confused me cause I didn’t completely understand them. And two, I didn’t want to ask directly cause I would feel really stupid. Yeah it freaked me out and kind of made me a little mad (made me confused), cause it made me think she had done things with her exes but she had never told me she had (even when we had talked about those types of things). But then she called me and she explained, to me. And I can’t even express how relieved I am. I don’t think she would ever intentionally lie to me about something like that. So well yeah I think it’s a little odd how she doesn’t care what I’ve done. But then again its pretty damn cool. Yeah I do regret sometimes of having sex with Miranda, but then again I’m glad I did because I have experienced it, theres no sense of wonder. Make sense? Anyways, well Rebecca really surprised me tonight. She was like so how would you feel about my calling you becoming an every night thing (I think she said one or two other things after that but I didn't catch what they were). But I was just like oh my gosh that is so cute, I was like of course tha'’s cool, its fine with me. She was like no, I don't think you understand (then I was like uhh… maybe she did'’t mean what I just thought she meant) I mean how would you feel about being taken? And I was like oh, I understood you. And yeah of course. This really surprised me, and it has made me incredibly happy. I would have to be crazy not to want to be with her. So well hopefully on Friday I'll be going to Joshua to see her, lol cause shes grounded. She always seems to be grounded, well not so much this year as last year but still, lol. Well I’m really happy right now, and I'm very blessed to be with her, even as a friend I was blessed. She is such a wonderful person. posted by Erin at 11:02:07 PM
Sunday, April 13, 2003
*Rebecca*
I had an unbelievably great night with Rebecca. I was about 15 minutes late getting there, but it wasn't a big deal. Well being us, we were really indecisive on what we wanted to do. We looked at what movies were playing, then went and got ice cream at Braum's. Then we decided to go to the soccer park, and I think we were thinking about going to go back to the movies, but as soon as we got to the park, that idea changed. We had originally planned on going to the park but we thought we'd do something first. Well we walked down by the river for a while, then decided we really wanted to stay, so we went back to the car and got the blankets and walked back. I was carrying the blankets and I wouldn't let her carry one of them, so she bent down and picked some flowers. Although she knew it was obvious that she was picking flowers, she told me if I gave her one of the blankets then she'd give me a surprise. I thought this was so cute. What can I say, I couldn't say no to her then. Well we laid down the blankets, and laid down. And well we attempted to talk more than make out, and well that was the same with trying to watch the sunset and watch the stars lol.
I don't think I can really express fully how beautiful Rebecca is, and lol she looked so cute with her Mickey Mouse hat on. She told me she was planning on wearing something alot cuter. But it doesn't matter what shes wearing, she looks good no matter what. Well the one thing I remember us talking about was that she asked me what something was I thought was weird or unusual. I told her that it might not be strange to her, but to me it was. I told her that it was really weird how Thursday night, my mom told me that she loved me and that I told her I loved her too. Well I honestly can't remember what Rebecca and I talked about, or maybe we just didn't talk as much as I thought. Lol I remember telling me she wanted tonight to be more than a make-out session. Then later she was like, well this was definitely a make-out session. Well I must say we never really did talk about evolution, lol.
Well we would make-out for awhile, then stop and thats when I could admire how beautiful she looked. I know the one thing that got me every time is when she would kiss up and down my neck and suck on my ears. Sometimes rubbing her nails across my back worked, but most of the time my back doesn’t like to cooperate, I mean yeah it feels good but sometimes it doesn’t give me chills up and down my back. Lol I love it how she has so many different spots, and each one is wonderful. Her neck and collarbone, her ears, nails on her back and stomach, and well one thing I definitely learned is that she really likes it when I kiss her stomach and lick her bellybutton (which is really cute), and I think she also like it when I licked up her back, and well as far as sucking on her tongue I’m not sure (if it was good or just interesting, or both). I would have to say one of my favorite parts of the night was kissing her stomach, watching her get chills (and seeing her squirm), and well she makes noises which was so funny/sexy/cute. Lol after I kissed her stomach for awhile she just laid there, and was amazed I guess. It was so funny, she was like if I don’t make much sense its cause I can’t feel anything below here (her neck, if thats not what she said it was atleast close to that).
Then we proceeded to make out some more, and then she shocked me. She asked me if I’d do her stomach again, which I did very willingly. She did the same thing again, I loved it. After that she said it was wonderful or that I was wonderful (something like that), when she said that it gave me the idea to play the Everclear song: Wonderful (one of the songs that is on the cd I made). Well we laid there for awhile, and during all of this time we were being attacked by mosquitoes or some kind of bug. I was itching really badly but Rebecca didn’t seem to be getting bit (technically stung) but she told me today she has red bumps all on her left side. Well she asked me what I was thinking, and it took me awhile to tell her, cause I was kind of scared to, cause I was unsure what she’d think. I really don’t want to move to fast, cause thats what I did with Miranda and it didn’t work out (we had sex probably a week or two after we started dating), sometimes I feel thats all Miranda and I were about was sex and it didn’t really mean all that much to me. I want that chance to absorb everything, to really live in the moment, not to quickly jump into something. I really want to appreciate it when/if it happens, I want it to really mean something. And well I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet, I’m still insecure with myself (and I should say what she might think of me). I don’t want to get carried away with something, I’ve been really cautious, I feel I need to be, not just for me but for Rebecca as well.
Anyways, well Rebecca said she did a lot of new things that night, or new things happened for her (I keep wondering if for her should be, happened to her). I know she did one new thing, and I keep trying to think of a way to phrase it with out feeling weird but I suppose there isn’t really a way to do that. Lol damn I still can’t do it, I suppose knowing is good enough for me. But yeah it kind of scared me, or well made me nervous, whatever it surprised me thats for sure. I mean going from feeling to sucking I just knew I was moving my bra up so it would be easier for her to feel. Well those were two definite things I didn’t expect her to do. Well hey lookie there I pretty much said it. But well yeah I liked it who wouldn’t, lol. I think a little after that is when I kissed her stomach for the second time. One of the other new things she told me was when I stuck the tips of my hands in her back pocket when we were walking along the trail earlier. So right after that I got her to lie on top of me and I put my hands in her back pockets, then on her “panties,” then actually on her skin. And yes she has a very nice butt. Oh yeah thats another spot. Well then she got me to lie on top of her and did pretty much the same, but she started moving her hands up my thighs up towards a certain area (on the outside of my shorts) and well I grabbed her hands and stopped her, then a little later she was rubbing my stomach and then she started moving her hands lower than my waistline (not sure how to word those last few sentences) but I stopped her then too. I was just afraid, I’m not quite sure if she was actually going to do something, but I didn’t want to risk it I should say. Yeah it has pretty much to do with the same thing I said earlier.
But well I just wanted that night to be as good as possible without actually doing something (and I didn’t know what was going to happen until it started happening). I was determined not to feel her up or anything like that, although I may have wanted to, I was just determined not to. Lol kind of like in the movie 40 days and 40 nights, where he gives up sex for lent, and he can’t do anything with his body. And he ends up giving the girl an orgasm with rose petals, which was an interesting prospect. Just makes me wonder if something like that is possible, just with something simple, like kissing the stomach.
Well sadly it was time to take her home, so we walked in the dark, back to the car, hand in hand. She was worried cause she was going to be late getting home. But as far as I know she didn’t get in trouble. I had an amazing time with her last night. posted by Erin at 1:44:30 AM
I made a seperate blogger for my Rebecca stuff, she didn't want it on my other one for fear of someone else finding it and it made her uncomfortable. But this one is not public so it really is just for me only, whoo-hoo. Although her asking me to take this stuff I've written made me feel bad and pretty stupid. But I'll do anything to make her happy.
Modified May 31, 2003 11:17 PM EDT
Friday, May 30, 2003
Whoo-Hoo tomorrow is the last day of school. I'm psyched, I only have to take one final and I get to use a notecard on it. So yeah I'm going to work this summer, and hopefully I'll be able to get a new job that pays more, cause I need it for a car and for college. So yeah I'm also going to take economics this summer for dual credit, 1:00-3:30 four days a week for more than a month. And June 14-17 I'm going to soccer camp at A&M, I'm really pysched about that too but I need to start running or something so I won't just die when I get there. Well Hey I need to go study for my final, so laters.
Modified May 30, 2003 12:21 AM EDT
Modified May 30, 2003 12:21 AM EDT
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
My girlfriend of a little more than two weeks (Shanina, no shes not black), not much lol, we broke up on friday. I'm not really upset about it, shes a great girl, just at the time I think shes confused about alot of things. But I'm kind of relieved, I don't really want a relationship right now. I have to find the right person.
On a happier note, I met this really cool girl the other weekend, on the internet, she contacted me. Shes from Hawaii, shes really sweet, and very interesting. Shes moving to Washington this July, which will be cool, not a 5 hour time difference. So yesh shes really cool.
Well I've got school tomorrow I should go, laters.
Modified May 27, 2003 1:35 AM EDT
On a happier note, I met this really cool girl the other weekend, on the internet, she contacted me. Shes from Hawaii, shes really sweet, and very interesting. Shes moving to Washington this July, which will be cool, not a 5 hour time difference. So yesh shes really cool.
Well I've got school tomorrow I should go, laters.
Modified May 27, 2003 1:35 AM EDT
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
You know I could swear that I wrote in here like a week ago, but apparently it didn't put it up here, oh well I'm not worrying about it.
Well lately I've been acting a little weird. I think its because I'm really close to alot of seniors this year, and its hard to see them go. Oh yeah coach Kear is leaving, I don't blame him though, he has his reasons though, and really good ones at that.
So yeah I don't have time to write anymore right now, so I'll write later.
Modified May 20, 2003 8:18 PM EDT
Well lately I've been acting a little weird. I think its because I'm really close to alot of seniors this year, and its hard to see them go. Oh yeah coach Kear is leaving, I don't blame him though, he has his reasons though, and really good ones at that.
So yeah I don't have time to write anymore right now, so I'll write later.
Modified May 20, 2003 8:18 PM EDT
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Geez, ya know whats crazy I used to write in this journal all the time. But I have hardly even touched it in forever. I guess cause I've had a lot on my mind, and I partly don't want to make myself write, cause I always write a ton. Yeah a lot has been going on. Ok well I just realized that I haven't completed most of the story that had to do with the whole bi thing and Michelle, well needless to say I wrote her a letter a little after I posted on bolt about my feelings. And well I'm just going to paste a letter that I wrote to her last week, and it kind of explains alot.
Hey Michelle,
I know that you and Miranda don't understand how I could change my mind so quickly You know the last full day of school I was talking to Shanna and I was trying to explain about several of the decisions I made this year. And well I didn't get to finish because I had to ride the bus, but later that day I realized ya know all this stuff is in the past and there is nothing that I can change about that. I could explain to you all the reason of why we had problems this year, but I am not ever going to go into that unless, you want to know. Michelle it drives me crazy for us not to be on good terms. I know things can never be the same again. But with all of my heart I still hope. I want to apologize to you Michelle, for all of the stupid things that I've done this year. I promised you I would never hurt you, I did that. And I really want to apologize for always putting my problems on you, that wasn't fair to you, cause I would always vent to you, and that basically all I ever did. I really want to say that I honestly don't know what was up with me this year. And thats partly true. I have been really confused this year, I've tried to make decisions that I can't make. For the longest time, I've always told myself that I won't do things just to please other people. I lied to myself. Thats what I've been doing most of this year, always trying to make others happy, trying to make myself to where I thought was good enough for others standards, and in the long run it made me miserable. And as far as our friendship, I thought I was doing what was right, I thought I was making you happy, but I know I didn't. I was really selfish with us, I don't think I did it directly, but I was thinking about myself, I always enjoyed being in your company, and seeing you smile (now that I think about it, it was usually someone else making you smile, not me). It made me happy. And it helped me to be happy to vent, and you were always the one that I vented to. It really was not fair to burden you with my problems. I know you don't like people that are depressing or not fun to be around. For some reason I blocked that out. I'm really sorry. I really don't know what has become of me this year, I've become the total opposite of who I was last summer. Would you agree with me on that one? And to the main part. Shanna told me that you and Miranda don't understand how I could be so sure I was bi one second and the next not be, and that she also didn't understand. How can I say I don't know why I did that. We hardly spoke for 2 weeks, and when you finally did, I had been wanting to take everything back, hoping it might make things better. Ha, yeah that turned out great didn't it. Yeah another part of me this year, I have been lying to myself of who I really am, and at this point in my life, I happen to also like girls. And you know how I watch too much tv, well this episode of Once and Again, was about this girl Jesse and her best friend Katie (a lesbian, who has more than just friends feelings for Jesse), and Jesse finally excepts that she has feelings for Katie too. etc. etc. And I guess in my little messed up head, it became a little fantasy (geez that sounds disgusting). But also I look at it as looking for love in all the wrong places. In other words, you are one of the few people that has shown me what love is. So mixing the fantasy with that fixation of love, I guess what ended up me having a "crush" on you (wow that drives me crazy saying that). I may like girls, but what on earth possessed me to find "more than friend feelings" for you. I loved being just friends with you, and I was just fine until I watched that dumb episode. And look where we are now, we don't even speak (well before mainly, cause well now theres an excuse cause its summer). I guess basically what all of that adds up to, to help you understand of why I changed my mind so quickly is cause for some reason I thought it might make things better, which it obviously didn't. And because I did try to take it back, I feel like a complete liar and very condescending. Or in other words, it kills me cause I feel that you look at me with all the hate (or disliking) that you have towards Bekah. And I am not anything like Bekah, that is a part of the past that I choose not to explain about our friendship, but I'll but a part of in it for you. Most of the problems and dumb decisions that I made with our friendship somehow linked to her. There are so many different situations that I could tell you about to explain why, but right now, I just want you to understand that one point. Well did it help any? I really want to be on good terms with you. And I know and it hurts so much to know that nothing will or can ever be like it was. But I always try to keep hope, although I've lost it a couple of times, but I always try. I am really sorry for breaking all of those promises that I made to you, and I hope that you can forgive me one day. Well if you gotten this far in this letter I am happy that you didn't just delete it. But well if you want to write me back then please do, whenever you have the time, any time at all, and I realize this is very long, and I'm glad if you did read it all. And thanks for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
Erin
P.S.
If you still have questions feel free
and ask, cause this is all of I could
think of to answer for now.
AND THIS IS A LETTER I WROTE TO DANA AFTER I EMAILED MICHELLE AND AFTER I TALKED TO SHANNA. AND IT HELPED EXPLAIN SOME MORE OF MY ACTIONS THAT I TOOK.
Dana,
Ok well first I'm going to do the same thing with you that I did with Shanna, which is read an email I wrote to Michelle last week to help her understand, so maybe it will help you understand, if not you can still ask me questions. By the way its long.
And by the way Shanna asked me about something at the end, about me keeping hope thats about mine and Michelle's friendship not me hoping for anything more than that.
Well basically Shanna and I finally determined that me telling Michelle I had feelings for her was basically just that I have always loved being around her, and I hadn't been around her because Bekah screwed everything up, Shanna even said it herself that when she is told something a lot of times she begins to believe it. Anyways, we determined it that I did what I did because I missed her, and granted I could have told her that in a different way. Lol kind of reminds me of a part of a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie (Boys and Girls). Well the whole thing about me being bi, well Shanna told me what she thought, and I agreed with her, that I was looking for love anywhere. Lol and well yeah thats the honest to God truth, happens to be in all the wrong places. And yeah I still do feel very condescending and like a liar. I finally found actual words to explain the whole bi thing. Ok here it goes: I am looking for love or basically any attention to that effect in all the wrong places, and I am just open to different things. And let me tell you I am not lying about this, I've had alot of time to figure out my actions and thoughts. I didn't tell Shanna this, but if you have ever been in my room, you would know that I am obsessed with guys, I love guys. And honestly I know for a fact that if I could get a boyfriend then all of this crap would be gone, I'm just desperate (never been kissed, and haven't had bf since 8th grade). With all of my heart Dana the only reason I said I was bi is because I am open to different things (very different right?) and I guess I'm just the type of person that takes huge and stupid risks in order to be happy sometimes. Well I'm about done. But just to state it now, I am not and never will be a lesbian, and as for saying I'm bi, I don't want to say I am cause, its just one of those things where I want to see what its like (sounds absolutely disgusting to you and me) kind of like trying smoking. My perspective on life I guess is try everything atleast once. Which I really hope that I can get a boyfriend before I really end up experimenting with that. I wish I had talked to Shanna before I sent that email to Michelle, cause I could have answered some more stuff and put it in there. Yeah I'm pretty pissed at Shanna cause she went and told Erica Gartrell, and she just told her I was bi, and it was none of her business, she just told her "oh I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." She was going to go tell Megan Pankhurst, but she wasn't home. But yeah I'm pretty upset with her, but I'll get over it soon. Well anyways, I think I'm done now that I feel stupid and pathetic. Well if you have anything else to ask feel free to. Talk to you later---------------------Erin
YEAH WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY I FUCKED UP..... AGAIN. BUT WHO KNOWS IT COULD GET BETTER.
-----------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 1:33 AM EDT
Hey Michelle,
I know that you and Miranda don't understand how I could change my mind so quickly You know the last full day of school I was talking to Shanna and I was trying to explain about several of the decisions I made this year. And well I didn't get to finish because I had to ride the bus, but later that day I realized ya know all this stuff is in the past and there is nothing that I can change about that. I could explain to you all the reason of why we had problems this year, but I am not ever going to go into that unless, you want to know. Michelle it drives me crazy for us not to be on good terms. I know things can never be the same again. But with all of my heart I still hope. I want to apologize to you Michelle, for all of the stupid things that I've done this year. I promised you I would never hurt you, I did that. And I really want to apologize for always putting my problems on you, that wasn't fair to you, cause I would always vent to you, and that basically all I ever did. I really want to say that I honestly don't know what was up with me this year. And thats partly true. I have been really confused this year, I've tried to make decisions that I can't make. For the longest time, I've always told myself that I won't do things just to please other people. I lied to myself. Thats what I've been doing most of this year, always trying to make others happy, trying to make myself to where I thought was good enough for others standards, and in the long run it made me miserable. And as far as our friendship, I thought I was doing what was right, I thought I was making you happy, but I know I didn't. I was really selfish with us, I don't think I did it directly, but I was thinking about myself, I always enjoyed being in your company, and seeing you smile (now that I think about it, it was usually someone else making you smile, not me). It made me happy. And it helped me to be happy to vent, and you were always the one that I vented to. It really was not fair to burden you with my problems. I know you don't like people that are depressing or not fun to be around. For some reason I blocked that out. I'm really sorry. I really don't know what has become of me this year, I've become the total opposite of who I was last summer. Would you agree with me on that one? And to the main part. Shanna told me that you and Miranda don't understand how I could be so sure I was bi one second and the next not be, and that she also didn't understand. How can I say I don't know why I did that. We hardly spoke for 2 weeks, and when you finally did, I had been wanting to take everything back, hoping it might make things better. Ha, yeah that turned out great didn't it. Yeah another part of me this year, I have been lying to myself of who I really am, and at this point in my life, I happen to also like girls. And you know how I watch too much tv, well this episode of Once and Again, was about this girl Jesse and her best friend Katie (a lesbian, who has more than just friends feelings for Jesse), and Jesse finally excepts that she has feelings for Katie too. etc. etc. And I guess in my little messed up head, it became a little fantasy (geez that sounds disgusting). But also I look at it as looking for love in all the wrong places. In other words, you are one of the few people that has shown me what love is. So mixing the fantasy with that fixation of love, I guess what ended up me having a "crush" on you (wow that drives me crazy saying that). I may like girls, but what on earth possessed me to find "more than friend feelings" for you. I loved being just friends with you, and I was just fine until I watched that dumb episode. And look where we are now, we don't even speak (well before mainly, cause well now theres an excuse cause its summer). I guess basically what all of that adds up to, to help you understand of why I changed my mind so quickly is cause for some reason I thought it might make things better, which it obviously didn't. And because I did try to take it back, I feel like a complete liar and very condescending. Or in other words, it kills me cause I feel that you look at me with all the hate (or disliking) that you have towards Bekah. And I am not anything like Bekah, that is a part of the past that I choose not to explain about our friendship, but I'll but a part of in it for you. Most of the problems and dumb decisions that I made with our friendship somehow linked to her. There are so many different situations that I could tell you about to explain why, but right now, I just want you to understand that one point. Well did it help any? I really want to be on good terms with you. And I know and it hurts so much to know that nothing will or can ever be like it was. But I always try to keep hope, although I've lost it a couple of times, but I always try. I am really sorry for breaking all of those promises that I made to you, and I hope that you can forgive me one day. Well if you gotten this far in this letter I am happy that you didn't just delete it. But well if you want to write me back then please do, whenever you have the time, any time at all, and I realize this is very long, and I'm glad if you did read it all. And thanks for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always,
Erin
P.S.
If you still have questions feel free
and ask, cause this is all of I could
think of to answer for now.
AND THIS IS A LETTER I WROTE TO DANA AFTER I EMAILED MICHELLE AND AFTER I TALKED TO SHANNA. AND IT HELPED EXPLAIN SOME MORE OF MY ACTIONS THAT I TOOK.
Dana,
Ok well first I'm going to do the same thing with you that I did with Shanna, which is read an email I wrote to Michelle last week to help her understand, so maybe it will help you understand, if not you can still ask me questions. By the way its long.
And by the way Shanna asked me about something at the end, about me keeping hope thats about mine and Michelle's friendship not me hoping for anything more than that.
Well basically Shanna and I finally determined that me telling Michelle I had feelings for her was basically just that I have always loved being around her, and I hadn't been around her because Bekah screwed everything up, Shanna even said it herself that when she is told something a lot of times she begins to believe it. Anyways, we determined it that I did what I did because I missed her, and granted I could have told her that in a different way. Lol kind of reminds me of a part of a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie (Boys and Girls). Well the whole thing about me being bi, well Shanna told me what she thought, and I agreed with her, that I was looking for love anywhere. Lol and well yeah thats the honest to God truth, happens to be in all the wrong places. And yeah I still do feel very condescending and like a liar. I finally found actual words to explain the whole bi thing. Ok here it goes: I am looking for love or basically any attention to that effect in all the wrong places, and I am just open to different things. And let me tell you I am not lying about this, I've had alot of time to figure out my actions and thoughts. I didn't tell Shanna this, but if you have ever been in my room, you would know that I am obsessed with guys, I love guys. And honestly I know for a fact that if I could get a boyfriend then all of this crap would be gone, I'm just desperate (never been kissed, and haven't had bf since 8th grade). With all of my heart Dana the only reason I said I was bi is because I am open to different things (very different right?) and I guess I'm just the type of person that takes huge and stupid risks in order to be happy sometimes. Well I'm about done. But just to state it now, I am not and never will be a lesbian, and as for saying I'm bi, I don't want to say I am cause, its just one of those things where I want to see what its like (sounds absolutely disgusting to you and me) kind of like trying smoking. My perspective on life I guess is try everything atleast once. Which I really hope that I can get a boyfriend before I really end up experimenting with that. I wish I had talked to Shanna before I sent that email to Michelle, cause I could have answered some more stuff and put it in there. Yeah I'm pretty pissed at Shanna cause she went and told Erica Gartrell, and she just told her I was bi, and it was none of her business, she just told her "oh I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd stop by." She was going to go tell Megan Pankhurst, but she wasn't home. But yeah I'm pretty upset with her, but I'll get over it soon. Well anyways, I think I'm done now that I feel stupid and pathetic. Well if you have anything else to ask feel free to. Talk to you later---------------------Erin
YEAH WELL NEEDLESS TO SAY I FUCKED UP..... AGAIN. BUT WHO KNOWS IT COULD GET BETTER.
-----------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 1:33 AM EDT
Ok and for the present news. Well yeah I failed Algebra 2 Pre. AP, I passed all 3 of the six weeks, but I bombed the semester test (31), so it failed me for the semester. I was supposed to be taking summer school at Granbury for it, but I went there and then I found out that they weren't offering it anymore. So now I am going to try and do a credit by examination test things from Tech.
Well right now I am taking Government for HS and college credit at Hill, I need to study alot, I thought I knew it all pretty well, but I went to take my test and I couldn't remember crap. I keep forgeting alot of things lately. Especially important things.
I've been working alot at Oakdale, which is annoying as hell. I am like the only person that ever does anything there, I mean besides when our bosses tell us to do something. It really pisses me off, especially when they aren't busy and I come into work and they are just sitting there and the kitchen is nasty and they don't even remotely clean. Well Shannon is actually one of the better people in there. But yeah it makes me really tired cause I end up only having Mondays off (its always Mondays for some reason). And usually thats about it, but I also get tired cause I get really bored. I even started reading a book up there.
Well needless to say I'm trying to get on good terms with Michelle.
Well I have only told a few people. But I am definately going to transfer to Granbury this year so I can play soccer. Although it is scaring the shit out of me. But I've been here in GR since 1st grade, Dana graduated, Michelle and I most likely won't ever be on good terms, and they are the only reason why I was going to stay in GR. I really want to play softball but I can't play it if I go to Granbury. So yeah knowing that I am going to miss out on a lot of stuff with softball it kills me to even think about it. I don't know, I would have to say that the only reason I would stay is if Michelle and the whole softball team asked me to stay then I might. But so many things have been and are messed up so I don't even know if that would work. I feel as if I need a new beginning, start fresh. The girls I play soccer with are awesome, and are great friends, I know they wouldn't betray me. I never expected that they would actually want me to go to Granbury. But they have directly asked me and begged me to come to Granbury. They really like me for who I am. They want me to come to Granbury cause they know I want to, and because of that they are encouraging me to be with them. They make me feel good just by knowing that they want me to be with them. Both of my brothers say that I wouldn't like it since they went there. But I beg to differ, they only went to school in GR for possibly 4 or 5 years at the most, and they aren't in my position, so they wouldn't know. Anyways so yeah I'm definately planning on transferring.
Well I have gradually been getting a life of my own. I've been staying out a lot hanging out with Megan Pankhurst. Its pretty cool, that the first night I asked to hang out with her, mom said to be home by 12. But yeah also I partied with Jennifer Mitchell and Kelli Nix (and most of Armando's brothers and sisters) and some other people on saturday. I had a lot of fun, I haven't had that much fun in a very long time, and it was even better because I wasn't with my brothers, I was on my own. Kelli and Jen love me, there are very few people around my age that they like. But they really like me. Kelli and Armando both tell me that they think that I am badass and that I can come over whenever I want. I've hung out with Jen a couple of times at Prime Time (she works there), and I know now that they really do think I am cool, cause she told me when she was sober. And I also I really do know now, cause Jen has my phone number and the cell number. It makes me happy. Oh and its cool to know that the older girls from school that just graduated, like me. Like Lauren Groff (work with her, and we totally get along, and talk alot, well when we can atleast), and Kristen Beiler, and Allison Bruce and I are pretty cool (I work with her too) I think I got on her nerves the first day we worked together but I think she was just having a bad day cause since then we've been cool. I swear I really don't have any friends my age, but I find it kind of funny though.
Have I mentioned that I have like Jason Altobelli since last spring (or since we started planning for the Japan trip)? Well thats when I started to get to know him, and I really like him alot, and I got to know him even more during Japanese class than when we were in Japan. He is in my government class, and whenever I can I am checking him out. It was a little odd, on Monday at class we had our break and we decided to drive across the street to the gas station and get something to drink. And we went in my blazer, well Jason gets in and I totally didn't expect him to get in, but he did and I thought it was awesome. Pepe sat in the passenger seat, and Jason, Shanna and Sam(anthat) sat in the back seat, and Kassi Bruce sat in the very back. Anyways, well yeah just thought I tell you that.
The house is a mess. It has been since my post in May. Mom was having all the trim and stuff painted then. And she finally painted the living room and by the catwalk, etc. And I finally started to paint my bathroom (orange, grey, and black), the guys messed up my wall when they were painting the trim and doing the kaulking on it, So I had to do touch-ups on some of it, and mom is doing them on my red wall behind my computer, so my computer is in the middle of my room. I took down all of my guy collages to fill in all the staple holes, etc. and I repainted it. And I had been trying to finish the wall (3 more poster boards) but I haven't finished the collages cause on 2 of them I can't find the right size pictures to put in like maybe 5 spots, which makes me mad. But yeah my room is really disorderd. But so is downstairs, the couch is in the dining room.
Today I have been cleaning the blazer. I washed it, but due to all the contruction in GR it just got dusty again. I vaccumed to last night, and shampooed and vaccumed the carpet and mats today. And I mean in the crevices and all. I cleaned the windows inside and out, and I used armoral to clean all the plastic and rubber stuff. and when I was finally done I put some pina colada fragrance in it, which really smells like a plastic pina colada, but oh well the car looks really nice.
But well thats all for now later.-------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 2:46 AM EDT
Well right now I am taking Government for HS and college credit at Hill, I need to study alot, I thought I knew it all pretty well, but I went to take my test and I couldn't remember crap. I keep forgeting alot of things lately. Especially important things.
I've been working alot at Oakdale, which is annoying as hell. I am like the only person that ever does anything there, I mean besides when our bosses tell us to do something. It really pisses me off, especially when they aren't busy and I come into work and they are just sitting there and the kitchen is nasty and they don't even remotely clean. Well Shannon is actually one of the better people in there. But yeah it makes me really tired cause I end up only having Mondays off (its always Mondays for some reason). And usually thats about it, but I also get tired cause I get really bored. I even started reading a book up there.
Well needless to say I'm trying to get on good terms with Michelle.
Well I have only told a few people. But I am definately going to transfer to Granbury this year so I can play soccer. Although it is scaring the shit out of me. But I've been here in GR since 1st grade, Dana graduated, Michelle and I most likely won't ever be on good terms, and they are the only reason why I was going to stay in GR. I really want to play softball but I can't play it if I go to Granbury. So yeah knowing that I am going to miss out on a lot of stuff with softball it kills me to even think about it. I don't know, I would have to say that the only reason I would stay is if Michelle and the whole softball team asked me to stay then I might. But so many things have been and are messed up so I don't even know if that would work. I feel as if I need a new beginning, start fresh. The girls I play soccer with are awesome, and are great friends, I know they wouldn't betray me. I never expected that they would actually want me to go to Granbury. But they have directly asked me and begged me to come to Granbury. They really like me for who I am. They want me to come to Granbury cause they know I want to, and because of that they are encouraging me to be with them. They make me feel good just by knowing that they want me to be with them. Both of my brothers say that I wouldn't like it since they went there. But I beg to differ, they only went to school in GR for possibly 4 or 5 years at the most, and they aren't in my position, so they wouldn't know. Anyways so yeah I'm definately planning on transferring.
Well I have gradually been getting a life of my own. I've been staying out a lot hanging out with Megan Pankhurst. Its pretty cool, that the first night I asked to hang out with her, mom said to be home by 12. But yeah also I partied with Jennifer Mitchell and Kelli Nix (and most of Armando's brothers and sisters) and some other people on saturday. I had a lot of fun, I haven't had that much fun in a very long time, and it was even better because I wasn't with my brothers, I was on my own. Kelli and Jen love me, there are very few people around my age that they like. But they really like me. Kelli and Armando both tell me that they think that I am badass and that I can come over whenever I want. I've hung out with Jen a couple of times at Prime Time (she works there), and I know now that they really do think I am cool, cause she told me when she was sober. And I also I really do know now, cause Jen has my phone number and the cell number. It makes me happy. Oh and its cool to know that the older girls from school that just graduated, like me. Like Lauren Groff (work with her, and we totally get along, and talk alot, well when we can atleast), and Kristen Beiler, and Allison Bruce and I are pretty cool (I work with her too) I think I got on her nerves the first day we worked together but I think she was just having a bad day cause since then we've been cool. I swear I really don't have any friends my age, but I find it kind of funny though.
Have I mentioned that I have like Jason Altobelli since last spring (or since we started planning for the Japan trip)? Well thats when I started to get to know him, and I really like him alot, and I got to know him even more during Japanese class than when we were in Japan. He is in my government class, and whenever I can I am checking him out. It was a little odd, on Monday at class we had our break and we decided to drive across the street to the gas station and get something to drink. And we went in my blazer, well Jason gets in and I totally didn't expect him to get in, but he did and I thought it was awesome. Pepe sat in the passenger seat, and Jason, Shanna and Sam(anthat) sat in the back seat, and Kassi Bruce sat in the very back. Anyways, well yeah just thought I tell you that.
The house is a mess. It has been since my post in May. Mom was having all the trim and stuff painted then. And she finally painted the living room and by the catwalk, etc. And I finally started to paint my bathroom (orange, grey, and black), the guys messed up my wall when they were painting the trim and doing the kaulking on it, So I had to do touch-ups on some of it, and mom is doing them on my red wall behind my computer, so my computer is in the middle of my room. I took down all of my guy collages to fill in all the staple holes, etc. and I repainted it. And I had been trying to finish the wall (3 more poster boards) but I haven't finished the collages cause on 2 of them I can't find the right size pictures to put in like maybe 5 spots, which makes me mad. But yeah my room is really disorderd. But so is downstairs, the couch is in the dining room.
Today I have been cleaning the blazer. I washed it, but due to all the contruction in GR it just got dusty again. I vaccumed to last night, and shampooed and vaccumed the carpet and mats today. And I mean in the crevices and all. I cleaned the windows inside and out, and I used armoral to clean all the plastic and rubber stuff. and when I was finally done I put some pina colada fragrance in it, which really smells like a plastic pina colada, but oh well the car looks really nice.
But well thats all for now later.-------Erin
Modified Jun 20, 2002 2:46 AM EDT
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
Oh god things have been going completely crazy lately. I mean more than normal, I mean geez I'm in freaking OCS, how unbelievable is that. I'm really upset about it, I mean like crying and pissed off upset.
Modified May 14, 2002 5:01 PM EDT
Modified May 14, 2002 5:01 PM EDT
Oh god things have been going completely crazy lately. I mean more than normal, I mean geez I'm in freaking OCS, how unbelievable is that. I'm really upset about it, I mean like crying and pissed off upset.
Modified May 14, 2002 5:01 PM EDT
Modified May 14, 2002 5:01 PM EDT
