Friday, June 29, 2001
uhh... well everything at the moment seems to be all confusing and stuff. I think that everything in my life is about to get screwed up again. Which I totally don't want to happen. I'm trying not to overwhelm Dana by being up at subway like most of the time she is working. I don't want to get on her nerves, so I'm sorta backing away and not spending hardly anytime up there, and I'm afraid that if I even try that, that its going to end up like mine and Amanda's friendship (well the point is that there isn't one anymore). But now it sucks cause I chatted with her on aol earlier and shes grounded probably for the rest of the summer, and she doesn't even know for sure if she is going to be able to work or not. So if that happens everything will be really screwed (the nice word) up. You may be wondering what she did to get grounded, well what she told me is basically that she told her mom to kiss her ass. Well also what she told me is that her mom was griping and said she never did anything to help around the house. Which well isn't that what most parents will say when they're pissed, thats what my mom does atleast. And I can for sure tell you that she does do her fair share, she doesn't have to have a job, and pay for her gas, or pay for any of the other things like movies, now does she. Sorry it kinda pisses me off when moms ground you for know good reason. And I feel sorry for her too, she is really embarassed, her mom yelled at her the other day when I came over, and she keeps apologizing to me, which I understand how moms are, cause hers is alot like mine. Sorry I'm ranting. I guess with her being grounded I'm just afraid I won't get to see her or talk to her very much the rest of the summer and theres still almost 2 months of it left for us.
Anyways, well also I'm debating on something else. Whether or not to start going back to FBC (first baptist church). Its really hard for me to go there, I've had a long and rough past with just about everyone of the youth that goes there. But I have decided that I'm going to try with things now, one of my top goals is to restart my friendship with Amanda, not being friends with her has caused me alot of pain, and still is, it is really does break my heart with the mention of her name, seeing her even a glimpse, and any thought that I have of her (which is nearly the entire time I'm awake). Geez I really miss her alot, she was what kept me going, and kept me I guess you could say me having peace of mind. I could tell her everything, but now since shes not there I just keep EVERYTHING bottled up inside, which causes me even more pain. But yeah well, also there are other people that have basically always never really paid any attention to me so with some of them I understand so it doesn't really bother me. But I must say I started going back I guess it was 2 weeks ago now. And well yesterday (technically) on wednesday, someone made me feel really good, and made me feel wanted. This would be Laura DeFord, she is really sweet, we've known each other for a couple of years now, but the age difference doesn't matter to us, shes 22 and I'm 15 so theres a 7 year diff. But well anyways, she asked me why I didn't go to Bible Beach Bash, and I was like well I had just gotten back from Japan, and I would have only had one day rest, and also I didn't really have the money to go cause of the cost of my trip, you know the excuse I usually give but they were true though, just not enough you know to avoid the complete truth. But she was like well that shouldn't have matterd I had just gotten back from Austria, so really I had just said something dumb. But well she was like I wish you would have came, I was going to sneak you into my room at night.
I was like oh wow that would have been cool, she said she really wished I would have gone. We both went 2 years ago, and had a blast and got to know each other alot better then. But she made me feel wanted. Which is a really big deal to me, I haven't felt wanted in a VERY long time. I love just listening to her, she is so interesting and nice. She reminds me a little of Julia Roberts in a way, more with facial looks, but differn't hair color, hers is a dark brown. But with personality is differen't but her voice sort of sounds a little the same. I wonder if shes ever been told that? Lol well its sounds dumb, but I like her for being her, I just think of Julia Roberts cause I watched a documentary of her she went to Indonesia I do believe, and Laura travels alot, and shes been to some places like that so that mainly why I think of Julia Roberts. Well anyways, well huh, I think really I have been going to fbc for along time, and then I just stopped going cause of alot of crap I was going through, personal and with friends, and then well you can just call me the church skipper, I have jumped from different churches so many times, I mainly with just like 2 churches besides fbc, but I would just go back and forth between the three. And now I'm just sick of putting up with all the stupid crap, so I'm just going to deal with it, and try to fix it if it is even humanly possible. But well wish me luck on that one.
Hmm... well you might be asking what personal problems have I had this year. Well with family just all the stupid ass fights over absolutely nothing, which I would just tend to blow off cause I knew that my mom was just really stressed from work, and I would tend to be the one to be there for her to blow up at, which hey if it happens it happens. Everything has calmed down alot with that though, mainly cause we sold like 60 acres of our land (we had 72 we now have 12), so now she doesn't have to work 2 jobs, one job was just every other weekend though. Plus well my mom said something to my aunt that when I got back I seemed to be really mature and have grown up. FYI I've been very mature, and more mature than my entire age level, since I was little, I have to be I have had to deal with alot, especially since my parents got divorced when I was 4 years old. But yeah if you compare the rest of my grade to me or even the upperclassmen, you would have to say that I am alot more mature than them. You know being me I would have to say I'm probably as mature as a 22 year old. But hey people may say I'm not, but the real question is. Do they really know who I am? Also, well I've had alot of emotional stuff going on this year well mainly towards the end of the first semester till now. And do I wish to say what all of that stuff is right now. No I don't, I don't have enough courage or really I would just feel really uncomfortable putting all of it on here. And yes I know you will if not already are guessing what I am talking about, well some of the things your thinking are probably true but then again they may not be. Well I do intend to put it in this diary here pretty soon. I'm a little self-concious but I usually get over it pretty quick. But when I do you can't laugh at me, or critcize me, the one thing I hate is when people criticize me, or in other words try and give me advice that I don't want. I mean heck if I wanted it I would ask for it. No offense though, just the way I think, well its actually the way I think about all of this, but you know really if your a friend of mine, yeah you can tell me your thoughts, cause it will actually mean something to me rather, than the stuff than means nothing to me that comes from people that I have no clue who they are.
Well yeah its getting late now, and I didn't sleep very well last night, so I'm going to go to bed now, since I don't have to worry about getting up at a certain time, like I did today. So well, adios amigos.
-----------Erin
P.S.
The thing I said at the beginning, is basically alot of the stuff that happened in the past I am afraid that its going to repeat itself.
Modified Jun 29, 2001 1:58 AM EDT
Anyways, well also I'm debating on something else. Whether or not to start going back to FBC (first baptist church). Its really hard for me to go there, I've had a long and rough past with just about everyone of the youth that goes there. But I have decided that I'm going to try with things now, one of my top goals is to restart my friendship with Amanda, not being friends with her has caused me alot of pain, and still is, it is really does break my heart with the mention of her name, seeing her even a glimpse, and any thought that I have of her (which is nearly the entire time I'm awake). Geez I really miss her alot, she was what kept me going, and kept me I guess you could say me having peace of mind. I could tell her everything, but now since shes not there I just keep EVERYTHING bottled up inside, which causes me even more pain. But yeah well, also there are other people that have basically always never really paid any attention to me so with some of them I understand so it doesn't really bother me. But I must say I started going back I guess it was 2 weeks ago now. And well yesterday (technically) on wednesday, someone made me feel really good, and made me feel wanted. This would be Laura DeFord, she is really sweet, we've known each other for a couple of years now, but the age difference doesn't matter to us, shes 22 and I'm 15 so theres a 7 year diff. But well anyways, she asked me why I didn't go to Bible Beach Bash, and I was like well I had just gotten back from Japan, and I would have only had one day rest, and also I didn't really have the money to go cause of the cost of my trip, you know the excuse I usually give but they were true though, just not enough you know to avoid the complete truth. But she was like well that shouldn't have matterd I had just gotten back from Austria, so really I had just said something dumb. But well she was like I wish you would have came, I was going to sneak you into my room at night.
I was like oh wow that would have been cool, she said she really wished I would have gone. We both went 2 years ago, and had a blast and got to know each other alot better then. But she made me feel wanted. Which is a really big deal to me, I haven't felt wanted in a VERY long time. I love just listening to her, she is so interesting and nice. She reminds me a little of Julia Roberts in a way, more with facial looks, but differn't hair color, hers is a dark brown. But with personality is differen't but her voice sort of sounds a little the same. I wonder if shes ever been told that? Lol well its sounds dumb, but I like her for being her, I just think of Julia Roberts cause I watched a documentary of her she went to Indonesia I do believe, and Laura travels alot, and shes been to some places like that so that mainly why I think of Julia Roberts. Well anyways, well huh, I think really I have been going to fbc for along time, and then I just stopped going cause of alot of crap I was going through, personal and with friends, and then well you can just call me the church skipper, I have jumped from different churches so many times, I mainly with just like 2 churches besides fbc, but I would just go back and forth between the three. And now I'm just sick of putting up with all the stupid crap, so I'm just going to deal with it, and try to fix it if it is even humanly possible. But well wish me luck on that one.
Hmm... well you might be asking what personal problems have I had this year. Well with family just all the stupid ass fights over absolutely nothing, which I would just tend to blow off cause I knew that my mom was just really stressed from work, and I would tend to be the one to be there for her to blow up at, which hey if it happens it happens. Everything has calmed down alot with that though, mainly cause we sold like 60 acres of our land (we had 72 we now have 12), so now she doesn't have to work 2 jobs, one job was just every other weekend though. Plus well my mom said something to my aunt that when I got back I seemed to be really mature and have grown up. FYI I've been very mature, and more mature than my entire age level, since I was little, I have to be I have had to deal with alot, especially since my parents got divorced when I was 4 years old. But yeah if you compare the rest of my grade to me or even the upperclassmen, you would have to say that I am alot more mature than them. You know being me I would have to say I'm probably as mature as a 22 year old. But hey people may say I'm not, but the real question is. Do they really know who I am? Also, well I've had alot of emotional stuff going on this year well mainly towards the end of the first semester till now. And do I wish to say what all of that stuff is right now. No I don't, I don't have enough courage or really I would just feel really uncomfortable putting all of it on here. And yes I know you will if not already are guessing what I am talking about, well some of the things your thinking are probably true but then again they may not be. Well I do intend to put it in this diary here pretty soon. I'm a little self-concious but I usually get over it pretty quick. But when I do you can't laugh at me, or critcize me, the one thing I hate is when people criticize me, or in other words try and give me advice that I don't want. I mean heck if I wanted it I would ask for it. No offense though, just the way I think, well its actually the way I think about all of this, but you know really if your a friend of mine, yeah you can tell me your thoughts, cause it will actually mean something to me rather, than the stuff than means nothing to me that comes from people that I have no clue who they are.
Well yeah its getting late now, and I didn't sleep very well last night, so I'm going to go to bed now, since I don't have to worry about getting up at a certain time, like I did today. So well, adios amigos.
-----------Erin
P.S.
The thing I said at the beginning, is basically alot of the stuff that happened in the past I am afraid that its going to repeat itself.
Modified Jun 29, 2001 1:58 AM EDT
