Thursday, August 02, 2001
Hmm... Well theres not really anything positive to write about.
Lets see Monday wasn't so bad, but once again I couldn't sleep I went to bed at like 4:00 am. I had soccer practice it wasn't bad I had fun, but it was incredibly hot, we started practice at 5:00 so it was still like 100º outside. But yeah it was cool, and I forgot my freaking running log, which now I'm like 7 days behind, which I'm pissed and worried about. I'm afraid that I'm going to get in trouble for it. But yeah since I didn't have it, I had to run 5 full field sprints, but uhh... yeah coach really meant 5 half field sprints so by the time she stopped me I had already ran 3 extra, but I was cool about it. I didn't have anything else to do. When I got back I was driving and we passed Letty about to turn and go to her house, so I waved (she didn't see me though), so I called her when I got in the door. And we had a VERY NICE LONG conversation it meant alot to me, cause we felt the exact same way about the person my brother Brian has become. A total JERK(ETC. words). So yeah we talked, and then her and Zach came and got me, and picked me up and we went back to their house, and I showed them all of my Japan pics, and she showed me her desk and chair that she had been re-doing, which looked great, and she showed me her furniture shes taking back to college with her. And she showed me pictures of her roommates and some of the other friends shes made down there. I had fun over there.
Lets see I didn't go to bed till 6:00 am that morning. So I didn't officialy get up till about 3:00 in the afternoon, but then all I did was watch tv, the rest of the afternoon I do believe. I finally had a real meal that night though. Well I couldn't sleep so I went out to the car to see if I could get the glass window thing in the back to open, but I tried that for about an hour and a half, then I finally came back in, cause I couldn't think of anything else to try. But yeah I came in and watched a movie, and then there was nothing else to do, and I finally thought about it, but I started to finish transferring my Japan video onto a tape. Which now I'm on my second tape, with still like another hour or so left to transfer. But yeah its kind of fun to watch it all again.
Well yeah boring boring boring. Really I'm quite depressed right now, and really was well early this morning, I finally fell asleep at like 7:00 am. I can't sleep cause I'm so depressed. And to be completely honest with you, I cut the side of my leg SEVERAL times. Now I wasn't thinking of suicide, partly I was bored, secondly I wanted to do it. And really it didn't hurt. Yeah I'm depressed and yeah I did intentionally hurt myself, but not to a dangerous extent. This is only the second time I have EVER done this. Really I don't really know for sure why I did it, there was just a feeling in me that really wanted to do it, I guess you could call it a craving. But don't freak out or anything I didn't like cut myself with something major. Last time it was with razor blades. This time, it was the ends of a cut piece of a hanger. I had cut one apart so I could use it to try and reach something in the car. But I had a little piece that was sharp and just did it. Really all it looks like is like a scraped my leg on pavement, like I had fallin or something. I don't know I'm not scared of it, I sort of have a guilty type feeling in me. But just to make it clear, I wasn't thinking of suicide at that time, and nor am now, so don't like worry or anything, even though I really know you probably will. But hey thats life right? I'm fine just bored out of my mind, and depressed, but hey thats what my life seems to consist of.
I had to get up today at about 10:00 am and go to the Optimist Club meeting, we were giving a presentation of our trip to Japan, cause they donated money to us for it. But yeah it was kind of fun, Dagan had made a slide show for it, and I must say he did a pretty good job on it. We still have one more presentation to do, and thats for our school board, but thats after school starts so we still have plenty of time, to made the slide show even better. But well yeah after that, Mrs. Jones dropped me off at the hospital, and mom eventually brought me home like 30 minutes later, well first I had to find her, and in the process I had to walk through the nursing home twice. I'm not really good with elderly people, and all kids will have to agree with me even though its mean, the smell, is well not to great, but I understand that its nothing they can help, but really its the food that they make in the cafeteria. Oh well. Then I came home and went back to sleep and got up an hour later, 4:00 so I could watch one of my new favorite shows, Digimon, I like it cause its a Japanese anime/cartoon but yes of course they speak english in it so that also makes it better, lol. But yeah after that at 5:00 I went and took a shower and cleaned up and everything and got ready to leave and went to church. It was a pretty good lesson. But I was sad to go or be there in a way. Ashlee's last day is sunday. Shes leaving NEXT WEEK, shes moving and I totally sad about it, shes moving to Rockport which is like 3 or 4 hours away. So that totally bums me out, shes really cool and I love her, shes one of my best friends. And I feel sorry for her cause shes leaving every single friend shes ever made, behind. I'm really going to miss her, I told her that once I'm 16 (I'm a month older than her), I will drive down there and see her, but if I get a job and get a hardship it will be a lot sooner than that. But yeah during prayer request someone said for the Collin's move. And she started to think about all her friends, and she almost started to cry, I could tell the only reason she didn't is cause she would have been really embarassed.
Well yeah Michelle called me monday night right as I was about to walk out the door, and said that she forgot that her grandparents were coming down (were there already), so she couldn't do anything tuesday, she also said that she might still call me though. But they are supposed to leave saturday, so maybe we could do something that night. Uhh... Sorry mom and I are going shopping, so well hey oh well. Doesn't matter anyways, cause she doesn't care. And she doesn't call of course. So hey whats the use of caring about it, and having to worry about it. Sorry I just don't really seem to care lately. Maybe its cause her computer has a virus and she can't read the entries which I want her to read, so she can answer things. But hey whatever is to happen will happen, but I think I'm on the brink of to stop trying to make things work out between me and other people. It just doesn't work, or atleast thats what seems to happen.
Hmm... well now I'm sitting here, typing, and I think I'm about done now. So I think I'm going to go. Bye.
----------Erin
Modified Aug 2, 2001 12:36 AM EDT
Lets see Monday wasn't so bad, but once again I couldn't sleep I went to bed at like 4:00 am. I had soccer practice it wasn't bad I had fun, but it was incredibly hot, we started practice at 5:00 so it was still like 100º outside. But yeah it was cool, and I forgot my freaking running log, which now I'm like 7 days behind, which I'm pissed and worried about. I'm afraid that I'm going to get in trouble for it. But yeah since I didn't have it, I had to run 5 full field sprints, but uhh... yeah coach really meant 5 half field sprints so by the time she stopped me I had already ran 3 extra, but I was cool about it. I didn't have anything else to do. When I got back I was driving and we passed Letty about to turn and go to her house, so I waved (she didn't see me though), so I called her when I got in the door. And we had a VERY NICE LONG conversation it meant alot to me, cause we felt the exact same way about the person my brother Brian has become. A total JERK(ETC. words). So yeah we talked, and then her and Zach came and got me, and picked me up and we went back to their house, and I showed them all of my Japan pics, and she showed me her desk and chair that she had been re-doing, which looked great, and she showed me her furniture shes taking back to college with her. And she showed me pictures of her roommates and some of the other friends shes made down there. I had fun over there.
Lets see I didn't go to bed till 6:00 am that morning. So I didn't officialy get up till about 3:00 in the afternoon, but then all I did was watch tv, the rest of the afternoon I do believe. I finally had a real meal that night though. Well I couldn't sleep so I went out to the car to see if I could get the glass window thing in the back to open, but I tried that for about an hour and a half, then I finally came back in, cause I couldn't think of anything else to try. But yeah I came in and watched a movie, and then there was nothing else to do, and I finally thought about it, but I started to finish transferring my Japan video onto a tape. Which now I'm on my second tape, with still like another hour or so left to transfer. But yeah its kind of fun to watch it all again.
Well yeah boring boring boring. Really I'm quite depressed right now, and really was well early this morning, I finally fell asleep at like 7:00 am. I can't sleep cause I'm so depressed. And to be completely honest with you, I cut the side of my leg SEVERAL times. Now I wasn't thinking of suicide, partly I was bored, secondly I wanted to do it. And really it didn't hurt. Yeah I'm depressed and yeah I did intentionally hurt myself, but not to a dangerous extent. This is only the second time I have EVER done this. Really I don't really know for sure why I did it, there was just a feeling in me that really wanted to do it, I guess you could call it a craving. But don't freak out or anything I didn't like cut myself with something major. Last time it was with razor blades. This time, it was the ends of a cut piece of a hanger. I had cut one apart so I could use it to try and reach something in the car. But I had a little piece that was sharp and just did it. Really all it looks like is like a scraped my leg on pavement, like I had fallin or something. I don't know I'm not scared of it, I sort of have a guilty type feeling in me. But just to make it clear, I wasn't thinking of suicide at that time, and nor am now, so don't like worry or anything, even though I really know you probably will. But hey thats life right? I'm fine just bored out of my mind, and depressed, but hey thats what my life seems to consist of.
I had to get up today at about 10:00 am and go to the Optimist Club meeting, we were giving a presentation of our trip to Japan, cause they donated money to us for it. But yeah it was kind of fun, Dagan had made a slide show for it, and I must say he did a pretty good job on it. We still have one more presentation to do, and thats for our school board, but thats after school starts so we still have plenty of time, to made the slide show even better. But well yeah after that, Mrs. Jones dropped me off at the hospital, and mom eventually brought me home like 30 minutes later, well first I had to find her, and in the process I had to walk through the nursing home twice. I'm not really good with elderly people, and all kids will have to agree with me even though its mean, the smell, is well not to great, but I understand that its nothing they can help, but really its the food that they make in the cafeteria. Oh well. Then I came home and went back to sleep and got up an hour later, 4:00 so I could watch one of my new favorite shows, Digimon, I like it cause its a Japanese anime/cartoon but yes of course they speak english in it so that also makes it better, lol. But yeah after that at 5:00 I went and took a shower and cleaned up and everything and got ready to leave and went to church. It was a pretty good lesson. But I was sad to go or be there in a way. Ashlee's last day is sunday. Shes leaving NEXT WEEK, shes moving and I totally sad about it, shes moving to Rockport which is like 3 or 4 hours away. So that totally bums me out, shes really cool and I love her, shes one of my best friends. And I feel sorry for her cause shes leaving every single friend shes ever made, behind. I'm really going to miss her, I told her that once I'm 16 (I'm a month older than her), I will drive down there and see her, but if I get a job and get a hardship it will be a lot sooner than that. But yeah during prayer request someone said for the Collin's move. And she started to think about all her friends, and she almost started to cry, I could tell the only reason she didn't is cause she would have been really embarassed.
Well yeah Michelle called me monday night right as I was about to walk out the door, and said that she forgot that her grandparents were coming down (were there already), so she couldn't do anything tuesday, she also said that she might still call me though. But they are supposed to leave saturday, so maybe we could do something that night. Uhh... Sorry mom and I are going shopping, so well hey oh well. Doesn't matter anyways, cause she doesn't care. And she doesn't call of course. So hey whats the use of caring about it, and having to worry about it. Sorry I just don't really seem to care lately. Maybe its cause her computer has a virus and she can't read the entries which I want her to read, so she can answer things. But hey whatever is to happen will happen, but I think I'm on the brink of to stop trying to make things work out between me and other people. It just doesn't work, or atleast thats what seems to happen.
Hmm... well now I'm sitting here, typing, and I think I'm about done now. So I think I'm going to go. Bye.
----------Erin
Modified Aug 2, 2001 12:36 AM EDT
